| Have a laff!
A woman was at work when she received a phone call that her small daughter
was very sick with a fever. She left her work and stopped by the pharmacy
to get some medication. She got back to her car and found that she had
locked her keys in the car.
She didn't know what to do, so she called home and told the babysitter what
had happened. The babysitter told her that the fever was getting worse. She
said, "You might find a coat hanger and use that to open the door." The
woman looked around and found an old rusty coat hanger that had been left
on the ground possibly by someone else who had locked their keys in their
car. She looked at the hanger and said, "I don't know how to use this."
Shebowed her head and asked God to send her help. Within five minutes a
beat-up old motorcycle pulled up, with a dirty, greasy, bearded man who was
wearing an old biker skull rag on his head.The woman thought, "This is what
you sent to help me?" She was desperate,shewas also very thankful. The man
got off of his cycle and asked if he could help. She said, "Yes, my
daughter is very sick. I stopped to get her some medication, and I locked
my keys in my car. I must get home to her. Please, can you use this hanger
to unlock my car?" He said, "Sure." He walked over to the car, and in less
than a minute the car was opened. She hugged the man and through her tears
she said, "Thank you so much! You are a very nice man."
The man replied, "Lady, I am not a nice man. I just got out of prison
today. I was in prison for car theft and have only been out for about an
hour." The woman hugged the man again and with sobbing tears cried out
loud, "Oh,Thank you God! You even sent me a Professional!"
Very Helpful Advice
-------------------------
Tape a chocolate bar to the outside of your microwave. If the chocolate
melts you will know that the microwaves are escaping and it is time to
have the oven serviced.
A mouse trap, placed on top on of your alarm clock will prevent you
from rolling over and going back to sleep.
Old telephone books make ideal personal address books. Simply cross out
the names and addresses of people you don't know.
Before attempting to remove stubborn stains from a garment always
circle the stain in permanent ink pen so that when you remove the
garment from the washing machine you can easily locate the area of the
stain and check that it has gone.
Lose weight quickly by eating raw pork and rancid tuna. I found that
the subsequent food poisoning enabled me to lose 12 pounds in only 2
days.
Avoid parking tickets by leaving your windshield wipers turned to fast
wipe whenever you leave your car parked illegally.
High blood pressure sufferers: Simply cut yourself and bleed for a
while, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.
Olympic athletes. Conceal the fact that you have taken performance
enhancing drugs by simply running a little slower and letting someone
else win.
Heavy smokers: Don't throw away those filters from the end of your
cigarettes. Save them up and within a few years you'll have enough to
insulate your ceiling.
Create instant designer stubble by sucking a magnet and dipping your
chin in a bowl of iron fillings.
X File fans: Create the effect of being abducted by aliens by drinking
two bottles of vodka. You'll invariably wake up in a strange place the
following morning, having had your memory mysteriously 'erased'.
A sheet of sandpaper makes a cheap and effective substitute for costly
maps when visiting the Sahara desert.
Two blind pilots were both wearing dark glasses. One is using a guide dog and the other is tapping his way along the aisle with a cane.
Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes and the engines start up. The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this is just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming.
The plane moves faster and faster down the runway and the people sitting in the window seats realize they're headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport. As it begins to look as though the plane will plow into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin. At that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air. The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly and soon all retreat into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands.
In the cockpit, one of the blind pilots turns to the other and says, 'Ya know, Bob, one of these days, they're gonna scream too late and we're all gonna die.'
A man calls his lawyer and asks... "With all the lawsuits going on, I want to get in on some of that action. I hear people are suing cigarette companies because they got cancer and others are suing McDonalds because they got fat."
"And which one of those categories do you fit under?"
"Neither," says the man. "I just want to know if I can sue Budweiser for all the ugly women I've slept with."
I've learned that you cannot make someone love you.
All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in.
Classified Ad from local newspaper:
06' Suzuki GSXR 1000, $9,000
This bike is perfect! It has only 1,000 miles and has had its 500 mile dealer service.
It's been adult ridden, all wheels have always been on the ground. I use it as a cruiser/commuter. I'm selling it because it was purchased without proper consent of a loving wife. Apparently "Do whatever you want." doesn't mean what I thought. Call Steve. 555-1212. |