Southern Phrases

[grotbag]

"Well, butter my butt and call me a biscuit."

"It's been hotter'n a goat's butt in a pepper patch."

"He fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down."

"Have a cup of coffee, it's already been 'saucered and blowed.'"

"She's so stuck up, she'd drown in a rainstorm."

"It's so dry, the trees are bribing the dogs."

"My cow died last night so I don't need your bull."

"Don't pee down my back and tell me it's raining."

"He's as country as corn flakes."

"This is gooder 'n grits."

"Busier than a cat covering crap on a marble floor."

"If things get any better, I may have to hire someone to help me enjoy it."

[grotbag]

Sharren lost her husband almost four years ago and still hasn't gotten out
of her mourning stage. Her daughter is constantly calling her and urging
her to get back into the world. Finally, Karen says she'd go out, but
didn't know anyone.

Her daughter immediately replies: 'Mom, I have someone for you to meet.

Well, it was an immediate hit. They took to one another and after dating
for six weeks, he asks her to join him for a weekend in the Catskills.

Their first night there, she undresses as he does. There she stood nude
except for a pair of black lacy panties, he in his birthday suit.

Looking at her he asks: 'Why the black panties?

She replies: 'My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore,
but down there I am still in mourning.'

He knows he's not getting lucky that night...

The following night the same scenario. She's standing there with the

black panties on, and he is in his birthday suit .. except that he is
wearing a black condom.

She looks at him and asks: 'What's with this black condom?'

He replies: ..............................

.................................................. ................

.................................................. ......................................

'I want to offer my deepest condolences'




An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly.'
The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'
The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love?
You know... The one that's red and has thorns.'
'Do you mean a rose?'
'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'



Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.
'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'
'Sure.'
'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.
'No, I can remember it.'
'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so's not to forget it?'
He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.'
'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.
Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes,
The old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment.
'Where's my toast ?'

[aspe16]

"Busier than a cat covering crap on a marble floor."

Next time the boss asks if I am busy

[deano]

some corkers in there

and perfectly suited to stephen fry in his blackadder guise