05-26-2008, 12:17 PM
| #1 (permalink) |
| Moderator  Join Date: Oct 2007 Location: Near Hornsea, East Yorkshire, UK
Posts: 5,599
|  The Lawyer One afternoon a wealthy lawyer was riding in his shiny limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate the situation. He asked one man, 'Why are you eating grass?' 'We don't have any money for food,' the poor man replied. We HAVE TO eat grass.' Shocked, the lawyer said, 'Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you!' 'But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree.' Bring them along,' the lawyer replied. Turning to the other poor man he said, 'You come with us, too.' The second man said, 'But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!' 'Bring them all!' the lawyer answered. They all jammed into the huge limo. Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, 'Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you.' Genuinely touched, the lawyer replied, 'Glad to do it. You'll really love my place; the grass is almost a foot high!' These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place. __________________________________________________ __ ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active? WITNESS: No, I just lie there. __________________________________________________ __ ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact? WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks. ______________________________________ ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory? WITNESS: I forget. ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot? _____________________________________ ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning? WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?' ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you? WITNESS: My name is Susan! ______________________________________ ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo? WITNESS: We both do. ATTORNEY: Voodoo? WITNESS: We do. ATTORNEY: You do? WITNESS: Yes, voodoo. ______________________________________ ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning? WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam? __________________________________ ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he? WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty. ________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken? WITNESS: Are you #*%^@ %) me? ______________________________________ ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time? WITNESS: Uh.... I was gett'in laid! ______________________________________ ATTORNEY: She had three children, right? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: How many were boys? WITNESS: None. ATTORNEY: Were there any girls? WITNESS: Are you #@%*&$ <mailto:%23@%25*&$> @ me? Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney? ______________________________________ ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated? WITNESS: By death. ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated? WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it? ______________________________________ ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual? WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard. ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female? WITNESS: Guess. _____________________________________ ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney? WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work. ______________________________________ ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people? WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to rephrase that? ____________ __________________________ ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to? WITNESS: Oral. ______________________________________ ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body? WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m. ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time? WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him! ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample? WITNESS: Huh....are you qualified to ask that question? And the best for last? ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor? WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless? WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law. From the state where drink driving is considered a sport, comes a true story from the Sunshine Coast, Queensland. Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a local neighbourhood tavern. Late in the evening the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the car park for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five vehicles, the man managed to find his car, which he g! t; fell into. He was there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a fine dry night), flicked the indicators on, then off, tooted the horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few cm, reversed a little and then remained stationary for a few more minutes as some more vehicles left. At last he pulled out of the car park and started to drive slowly down the road. The police officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and carried out a breathalyser test. To his amazement the breathalyser indicated no evidence of the man having consumed alcohol at all! Dumbfounded, the officer said; 'I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the Police station this breathalyser equipment must be broken.' 'I doubt it,' said the man, 'tonight I'm the designated decoy'. |
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05-26-2008, 05:35 PM
| #2 (permalink) |
| Moderator  Join Date: Jun 2007 Location: central scotland
Posts: 3,317
| Re: The Lawyer good collection GB   .......................Sam |
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05-26-2008, 07:31 PM
| #3 (permalink) | |
| Junior Member Join Date: May 2008 Location: Northampton
Posts: 17
| Re: The Lawyer Quote:
Hi folks Im getting really frustrated trying to start using this site. how do I post replys? its not obvious and I use computers loads if I cant work it out I pity any one who struggles with computers. hope this works Ive been on all afternoon trying this. | |
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05-26-2008, 07:35 PM
| #4 (permalink) | |
| Junior Member Join Date: May 2008 Location: Northampton
Posts: 17
| Re: The Lawyer Quote:
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05-26-2008, 07:40 PM
| #5 (permalink) | |
| Moderator Join Date: Jun 2007 Location: central scotland
Posts: 3,317
| Re: The Lawyer Quote:
on the left hand side under the last post is the add reply button . When you enter a category ie "bike chat" there is a " new thread" button on the left at the top..its customary to say hello in the new members section. see ya there.....................Sam | |
| The Bikerforum Relay is on !!! Click link below http://www.bikerforum.co.uk/forums/t...rum-relay.html trust me! im a druid | ||
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05-26-2008, 07:50 PM
| #6 (permalink) |
| Junior Member Join Date: May 2008 Location: Northampton
Posts: 17
| Re: The Lawyer Well Im gettin the hang of repling, I heard of a similar incident involving the british police. a police car pulled a suspicious car over and questioned the driver who was obviously highly intoxicated. Another car came by whle this was happening and hit a lamppost avoiding the police car and the police rushed over to help the occupants of the crashed car. only to hear the drunk drive off in their squad car. they found the address from the car registration, and called on the address, the drunk eventually came to the door in a dressing gown and claimed no knowlege of the incident until the officers opened his gararge door and what a suprise, neatly parked inside was their police car. |
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