Jokes for June

[grotbag]

Two Irishmen were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up.

A blonde walks by and asked them what they were doing.
Paddy replied, 'We're supposed to be finding the fook'n height of this flagpole, but we don't have a fook'n ladder.'

The blonde took out an adjustable spanner from her bag, loosened a few bolts and laid the flagpole down.

She got a tape measure out of her pocket, took a few measurements, and announced that it was 18 feet 6 inches.

Then, she walked off.

Mick said to Paddy, 'Isn't that just like a blonde! We
need the fook'n height and she gives us the fook'n length.'

[druidsam]

pa t and mick were discussing their fear of heights and pat said to mick" sure the highest i've ever been was thirty feet and that was down a manhole"



.................................Sam

[grotbag]

Blind Man

While redecorating a church, three nuns become extremely hot and sweaty in their habits, so Mother Superior says, "Let's take our clothes off, and work naked."
The other two nuns disapprove, and ask, "What if someone sees us?"
But the Mother Superior says, "Don't worry, no one will see us, we'll just lock the door."
So the other nuns agree, strip down and return to work.
Suddenly, they hear a knock at the door, and grab their clothes in a panic.
Mother Superior runs to the door and calls through, "Who is it?"
"Blind man," a man's voice comes back.

So she opens the door, and lets in the blind man, who turns to the nuns and says, "Great tits, ladies, now where do you want these blinds?"

[grotbag]

Older Employees
-------------------------

Dear employee:

As a result of the reduction of money budgeted for all department areas, we are forced to cut down on our number of personnel. Under this plan, older employees will be asked to take early retirement, thus permitting the retention of younger people who represent our future.

Therefore, a program to phase out older personnel by the end of the next fiscal year, via retirement, will be placed into effect immediately. This program will be known as S.L.A.P. (Severance of Late-Aged Personnel).

Employees who are SLAPPED will be given the opportunity to look for jobs outside the company. SLAPPED employees can request a review of their employment records before actual retirement takes place.

This review phase of the program will be called S.C.R.E.W. (Survey of Capabilities of Retired Elderly Workers).

All employees who have been SLAPPED and SCREWED may file an appeal with upper management. This appeal is called S.H.A.F.T. (Study by Higher Authority Following Termination).

Under the terms of the new policy, an employee may be SLAPPED once, SCREWED twice, but may be SHAFTED as many times as the company deems appropriate. If an employee follows the above procedure, he/she will be entitled to get HE.R.P.E.S. (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel's Early Severance) or CLAP (Combined Lump sum Assistance Payment).

As H.E.R.P.E.S. and C.L.A.P. are considered benefit plans, any employee who has received H.E.R.P.E.S . ALTERNATIVELY, C.L.A.P. will no longer be SLAPPED or SCREWED by the company.

Management wishes to assure the younger employees who remain on board that the company will continue its policy of training employees through our: Special High Intensity Training ( S.H.I.T.).

We take pride in the amount of S.H.I.T . our employees receive. We have given our employees more S.H.I.T. than any company in this area. If any employee feels they do not receive enough S.H.I.T. on the job, see your immediate supervisor. Your supervisor is specially trained to make sure you receive all the S.H.IT . you can stand.

And, once again, thanks for all your years of loyal service with us!

The Management

[grotbag]

Indian Chief 'Two Eagles' was asked by a white government official, 'You have observed the white man for 90 years. You've seen his wars and his technological advances. You've seen his progress, and the damage he's done.'

The Chief nodded in agreement.

The official continued, 'Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?'

The Chief stared at the government official for over a minute and then calmly replied. 'When white man find land, Indians running it, no taxes, no debt, plenty buffalo, plenty beaver, clean water.

Women did all the work, Medicine man free. Indian man spend all day hunting and fishing; all night having sex.'

Then the chief leaned back and smiled. 'Only white man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that'.






Guide to Dating
-------------------------

Find out what those dating terms really mean

ATTRACTION..... the act of associating horniness with a particular
person.

LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT ..... what occurs when two extremely horny, but not
entirely choosy people meet.

DATING..... the process of spending enormous amounts of money, time and
energy to get better acquainted with a person whom you don't especially
like in the present and will learn to like a lot less in the future.

BIRTH CONTROL..... avoiding pregnancy through such tactics as
swallowing special pills, inserting a diaphragm, using a condom, and
dating repulsive men.

EASY..... a term used to describe a woman who has the sexual morals of
a man.

EYE CONTACT..... a method utilized by one person to indicate that they
are interested in another. Despite being advised to do so, many men have
difficulty looking a woman directly in the eyes, not necessarily due to
shyness, but usually due to the fact that a woman's eyes are not located
in her chest.

FRIEND..... a person in your acquaintance who has some flaw which makes
sleeping with him/her totally unappealing.

INDIFFERENCE..... a woman's feeling towards a man, which is interpreted
by the man to be "playing hard to get".

INTERESTING..... a word a man uses to describe a woman who lets him do
all the talking.

IRRITATING HABIT..... what the endearing little qualities that
initially attract two people to each other turn into after a few months
together.

LAW OF RELATIVITY..... how attractive a given person appears to be is
directly proportionate to how unattractive your date is.

NYMPHOMANIAC..... a man's term for a woman who wants to have sex more
often than he does.

SOBER..... condition in which it is almost impossible to fall in love.







Bob, a handsome dude, walked into a Sports Bar around 9:58 PM. He sat down next to a blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV. The 10:00 PM news was coming on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump. The blonde said, 'Do you think he'll jump?' Bob says, 'You know, I bet he'll jump.' The blonde says, 'Well, I bet he won't.' Bob placed a
$20.00 bill on the bar and said. 'You're on.' Just as the blonde placed her $20.00 on the bar, the guy on the ledge did a swan dive off the building, falling to his death. The blonde was very upset, but willingly handed her $20.00 to Bob, saying, 'Fair is fair. Here's your money.' Bob replied, 'I can't take your money. I saw this on the 5:00 PM news and I knew he would jump.' The blonde replied, 'I saw it too, but I didn't think he'd do it again.' Bob took the money.....