The book of sexist recordsII (Men)

[BLACKPANTHER]

Longest toilet Visit

The record for the longest toilet visit (single defecation) is 72 hours, 18 minutes and 3 seconds, held by Les Schofield of Leicester (GB). Entering the bathroom at 11.14am on the 17th of July 1984, he successfully completed his bowel movement 34 seconds after sitting down. He remained seated, with his trousers around his ankles, reading an old copy of exchange & Mart eventually emerging shortly before lunch the following Wednesday. Mr Schofield did not regain feeling in his legs for 27 days, and the red elbow imprints were still visible to the naked eye 8 months later.

Testicular pressure

The greatest internal pressure sustained in a pair of testicles is one of 65 atmospheres, 955lb per square inch, or approximately 49,400mm of mercury at sea level, in the scrotum of the pop singer Sir Cliff Richard (GB), following a 52-year build up of seminal fluid. This is equivalent to six times the pressure currently bearing down on the hull of RMS titanic. It is estimated that were Mr Richard to ejaculate, the resulting jizzbolt would attain a peak altitude of 335m 1100ft, comfortably clearing the TV mast on top of the Eiffel Tower.

Most viscous stool

The stickiest motion ever produced was a stool passed by driving instructor Eric Butcher of Leicester (GB). After being stuck in traffic for 5 hours in the hot summer of 1976 with nothing to eat but a 4lb box of dairy fudge and a bottle of cream soda, Mr butcher went home to the toilet. The resultant excrement was so viscous that eight rolls of standard Andrex toilet paper, approximately 1600 sheets, were needed before he attained an even vaguely acceptable level of anal cleanliness.

Most potatoest coloured skin

Nicholas Wilson of Largs, Lanarkshire (GB) holds the record as Britain's most translucent teenager. After devoting 5 years to reach Level 30 of 'The Tomb Raider Chronicles' in his bedroom with the curtains drawn. Wilson's skin was assessed to have a pasteyness value of 8.7 on the Maris-Piper scale, approximately four times as pale as Shane McGowan.

Stiffest sock

A Marks and Spencer's wool/nylon mix argyle sock found under the bed of Nicholas Wilson (GB) exhibited a tensile strength of 6.3 gigapascals 9,110,000lb per square inch, and a Knopp hardness value of 8,412. Scientists at Edinburgh University estimate that Wilson's sock, slightly harder than a diamond has been masturbated into more than 11,000 times since its last wash.

Worst behaviour forgiven by a bunch of flowers

On June 29th 1989, William Soskin of Wigan (GB) came home from the pub to find his enraged wife, Barbara throwing his clothes into the street. Whilst going through his pockets she had found evidence that over the previous 30 years, Mr Soskin had bigamously married at least four other women in the neighbourhood, fathering upwards of fourteen children by them. He had also conducted affairs with his wife's sisters and mother, by whom he had fathered a further sixteen children. He was completely forgiven after presenting his wife with a bunch of sorry-looking flowers costing £1.99 from the local all-night petrol station.

Expletives

On 9th JUne 1996, Mr Harold Brayson (GB) struck his thumb with a stone mason's mallet whilst breaking concrete in his back yard in Tewksbury, Gloucestershire. He went on to swear for 14 mins 7 secs without stopping or once repeating a swear word. He later attempted to better this feat on BBC TV's Record Breakers programme by dropping a car battery on his foot. It ended in failure when he repeated the word 'bastard' after 12 mins 58 secs.

Denying Christ

The record for the most times an apostle has denied the Messiah before the cock crows is thrice, set by Simon who is called Peter (Judea). His mammoth feat of forswearance which has stood for almost two millennia, was set in the early hours of Good Friday 32AD, in and around the Garden of Gethsemane. Simon who is called Peter paced himself through the night, with his final denial coming just before the second crowing of the cock. When the record was confirmed by Pharisee Pethuel McWhirter from the temple of Golgotha, Simon who is called Peter celebrated by going outside the city walls and weeping bitterly.

Car customisation

Judged as a proportion of the overall value of the car, the accessories fitted to the MkII Ford Escort of Wayne Fletcher (GB) add up to the world's most expensive car customisation project at 105,761%. Between 8th march 1986 and 22nd September 1996, Fletcher had spent a grand total of £63,456.99 at the Stockport branch of Halfords in an attempt to attract girls to his vehicle. His fruitless purchases include a Paddy Hopkirk full Body Styling Kit (£3,500), 'Nightrider' style Disco Stop Lights (£199), Split Weber Carburetors x4 (£200), Scorpion Talking Alarm (£500), and a Chromium plated Mock Twin Exhaust Extension (£285). The car is currently valued at £50 to £60.

Longest wheel spin

The greatest length of time a car has screeched it's wheels to impress some girls was achieved on 9th July 1988 by Wayne Fletcher (GB) in his MkII Ford Escort. When traffic lights in Stockport, Cheshire turned green, Fletcher attempted to pull off at such speed that his front wheels spun for an amazing 42 secs before the car began to move. Both tyres fell to pieces and the clutch dropped off twenty yards down the road. The girls walked off.

Beating the clock

Whilst attending an ecumenical conference on 18th November 1998, Father Arthur Linehan of Letterkenny (Republic of Ireland) switched on the television in his room in the Travel Tavern, Liverpool. During the 10 Minutes of free pornography before his screen went fuzzy, Father Linehan succeeded in masturbating to ejaculation 12 (twelve) times.

[lady clara]

They never fail to make me roll about. (But where's my favourite one 'largest hockle'?) Well done BP.

[jonnywombat]

Originally Posted by BLACKPANTHER

Longest toilet Visit

Longest wheel spin

The greatest length of time a car has screeched it's wheels to impress some girls was achieved on 9th July 1988 by Wayne Fletcher (GB) in his MkII Ford Escort. When traffic lights in Stockport, Cheshire turned green, Fletcher attempted to pull off at such speed that his front wheels spun for an amazing 42 secs before the car began to move. Both tyres fell to pieces and the clutch dropped off twenty yards down the road. The girls walked off.

Not wishing to be pedantic or owt, but MK11 escorts were rear wheel drive

Although I believe the rest of this "fact" to be absolutely true

I miss read the stiffest sock one


Sammy

[deano]

Originally Posted by eyecandy

I miss read the stiffest sock one


Sammy

you miss wrote it too

How what did I do wrong ?


Sammy

[deano]

its one word, one 's' = misread, miss sammy

[BLACKPANTHER]

Originally Posted by deano

its one word, one 's' = misread, miss sammy

You've blown it now Deano. Every time you make a typo, everyone's gonna pounce on ya! Especially Sammy. Hmmmmmmmm

Originally Posted by deano

its one word, one 's' = misread, miss sammy

Sorry spellings not my best talent Mr Deano



Sammy

Originally Posted by BLACKPANTHER

You've blown it now Deano. Every time you make a typo, everyone's gonna pounce on ya! Especially Sammy. Hmmmmmmmm

What me no never
I'm not one to hold anything against anyone


Sammy