jokes for july

[grotbag]

Two cowboys are out on the range talking about their favorite sex
positions. One says, "I think I enjoy the rodeo position the best." "I
don't think I have ever heard of that one," says the other cowboy.
"What is it?" "Well, it's where you get your girlfriend down on all
fours, and you mount her from behind, and you reach around and cup
each one of her breasts in your hands, and then you whisper in her
ear, "Boy, these feel just like your sister's" and then you try to
hold on for 8 seconds."



Sven and Olie chartered a plane with a pilot to drop them off in the wilds of Alaska for a week of elk hunting, just the same as they did the year before. When the pilot returned with the plane Sven exclaimed joyfully to the pilot, “We had a great hunting trip! We bagged four elk!”

The pilot regretfully explained, “Unfortunately, our plane can only fly with the weight of two elk. You'll have to leave the other two behind.”

Sven and Olie were both infuriated and insistent. “We won't allow you to fly this plane out without all four elk,” Olie demanded.

The eager to please pilot relented and the plane took off with the three of them and their four elk. About fifteen minutes into the flight the engine started to sputter, and within seconds they were hurtling to the ground. Wearily arising from the wreckage, Sven looked at Olie and wheezed, “Do you have any idea where we are?”

Olie, quite pleased with himself, replied, “Yes! We're about a mile from where we crashed last year.”



The local Vicar explains that he must move on to a larger congregation that will pay him more. There is a hush within the congregation. No one wants him to leave.
Mike Smith, who owns several car dealerships in the area, stands up and proclaims: 'If the Vicar stays, I will provide him with a new BMW every year and his wife with a Honda mini-van to transport their children!'

The congregation sighs in appreciation and applauds.

Sam Brown, a successful entrepreneur and publican, stands and says, 'If the Vicar will stay on here I'll personally double his salary and establish a foundation to guarantee private secondary school education of his children!'

More sighs and loud applause.

Agnes Jones, age 88, stands and announces with a smile, 'If the Vicar stays, I will give him sex.'

There is total silence.

The Preacher, blushing, asks her:

'Mrs.Jones, whatever possessed you to say that?'

Agnes's 90-year old husband, Joe, is now trying to hide, holding his forehead with the palm of his hand and shaking his head from side to side, while his wife replies: 'Well, I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said, 'Fook him !'



An old Italian lived alone in New Jersey . He wanted to plant his
annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, as the ground was hard.
His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man
wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won't be able to plant
my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a
garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over. I know you
would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.
Love, Papa

A few days later he received a letter from his son.


Dear Pop,
Don't dig up that garden. That's where the bodies are buried.
Love, Vinnie

At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug
up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old
man and left.

That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Pop,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under
the circumstances.
Love you, Vinnie



An 80-year-old man goes for a physical. All of his tests come back with normal results. The doctor says, 'George, everything looks great.How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?'

George replies, 'God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he's fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof! The light goes on. When I'm done, poof! the light goes off.'

'Wow, that's incredible,' the doctor says. A little later in the day, the doctor calls George's wife.

'Ethel,' he says, 'George is doing fine! But I had to call you because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and poof! the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he's done, poof! the light goes off?'

'Oh my God!' Ethel exclaims. 'He's pissing in the fridge again!!!!!!!

[druidsam]

good collection GB



.......................Sam

[aspe16]

FBI Dug up the garden.........

[Dave321]

I enjoyed those

Cheers