Some jokes for September

[grotbag]

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children. 'You all have obsessions,' he observed. To the first mother, Mary, he said, 'You are obsessed with eating.You've even named your daughter Candy.' He turned to the second Mom, Ann: 'Your obsession is with money.Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny.' He turned to the third Mom, Joyce: 'Your obsession is alcohol. This too shows itself in your child's name, Brandy.' At this point, the fourth mother, Kathy, quietly got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, 'Come on, Dick, we're leaving. Your brothers Peter and Willy are waiting for us.''



Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each other outside the operating room---the first surgeries of the day.

The first kid leans over and asks, 'What are you in here for?'

The second kid says, 'I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous.'

The first kid says, 'You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and Ice Cream. It's a breeze.'

The second kid then asks, 'What are you here for?'

The first kid says, 'A circumcision.'

"Whoa!" the second kid replies. 'Good luck buddy. I had that done when I was born. Couldn't walk for a year. '



Guts or Balls...

There is a medical distinction. We've all heard about people having guts or balls, but do you really know the difference between them?

In an effort to keep you informed, the definitions are listed below:

GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: ''Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?''

BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the balls to say: ''You're next, fatty.''

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions. Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome, since both ultimately result in death.



A chicken farmer went to a local bar, sat next to a woman and ordered a glass of champagne. The woman perked up and said, 'How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!'

'What a coincidence' the farmer said. 'This is a special day for me. I am celebrating.' '

This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating,' said the woman.'

'What a coincidence!' said the farmer.

As they clinked glasses he added, 'What are you celebrating?'

'My husband and I have been trying to have a child and today my gynecologist told me that I am pregnant!'

'What a coincidence!' said the man.

'I'm a chicken farmer and for years all of my hens were infertile, but today they are all laying fertilized eggs.'

'That's great!' said the woman, 'How did your chickens become fertile?'

'I used a different cock,' he replied.

The woman smiled, clinked his glass and said, 'What a coincidence!'



An airline captain was breaking in a very pretty new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a stay-over in another city, so upon their arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.
The next morning as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened to her.

She answered the phone, sobbing, and said she couldn't get out of her room.

"You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?"

The stewardess replied, "There are only three doors in here," she cried, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says, 'Do Not Disturb'!"



Heather Mills was being driven around the countryside in her limo.
Suddenly a cow walked into the road and, unable to stop in time, the limo hit the cow.
Slightly shaken up, the driver went to see if the cow was all right.
Is it all right?' asked Heather.
The driver prodded the cow with his foot and shook his head. 'No ma'am, it's dead.'
'Well, you were driving, so you can go tell the farmer what happened!'
So the driver went off to the nearby farm. A couple of hours later he came back holding a bottle of wine, his clothes scruffy and messed up. 'Oh my god, what happened to you?' Heather exclaimed. 'Well ma'am,' explained the driver, 'the farmer gave me this bottle of wine, the farmer's wife gave a kiss and their daughter made love to me.' 'Just what the hell did you say to them?'
'I'm Heather Mills' driver and I've just killed the cow.'



For several years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman. One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, He paid her a large sum of money if she would
go to Italy to secretly have the child. If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18. She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born.
To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write 'Spaghetti' on the back. He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin.
One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife. 'Honey, she said, You received a very strange post card today.' 'Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later,' he said. The wife obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turned white , and fainted. On the card was written:
'Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Two with meatballs, one without. Send extra sauce!



I was walking past the mental hospital the other day, and all the patients were shouting, '13 ... 13 ... 13.'
The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a little gap in the planks, so I looked through to see what was going on ...
Some b@stard poked me in the eye with a stick!
Then they all started shouting '14 ... 14 ... 14'.

[davethemonkey]

cheers for that, cheered me up no end... having seen you get poked in the eye though you do realise in less than a minutes time they would be shouting 15 15 15 as i would still wanna peek!

[grotbag]

you nutter!

[Manky Cat]

LMAO, nice one grot's a cheerful end to an otherwise shitty day for me....

[druidsam]

good collection GB



...........................Sam

[sandra_d]

brightened up a real miserable day...........thanx Grot!

Sandra D