Valencia 2005

Buenas tardes amigos!

How time flies past eh?

It only seems like a moment ago that I was walking into work down the Hagley Road in Birmingham, and yet here I am having completed 8 weeks of intensive Spanish in sunny Valencia.

Time has continued to pass (as it tends to do), and I am now able to confuse the locals in 4 tenses (present, gerundio, preterito perfecto and preterito indefinido). The difficult part is remembering not to use them all in the same sentence, as the local checkout girl seems a little confused when I say "I pay by credit card .....er.......am paying.......er......paid this morning.......paid at an indefinite point in the past...........oh b*llocks!
heres 20 Euros; keep the change!"

After several weeks of going to the university by bus I decided to start doing the journey on my (t)rusty FJ1200 instead, and it is an experience that has to be lived to be believed.

For all of you who have yet to experience the joys of motoring in a Spanish city, please see below for my comprehensive guide to the dos and don'ts of the Codiga de Carreteras Espaol (Spanish Highway Code).

1. The Traffic Light Grand Prix

As many of you will know, the trick in the UK is to judge the point that it is safe to shoot forward on amber without torpedoing the white van crossing in
front of you. Here in Spain it is a little different.

For a start, if it is quiet, pay absolutely no notice whatsoever to the traffic lights, regardless of what colour they happen to be showing. They are merely
there to show you that the junction is close by.

If its a little busier, the trick is to edge forward while the light is still firmly on red, and dump the clutch at full revs the moment you think the light may
possibly have changed to green (there's no amber here). Now obviously theres no way of knowing for sure, as the white line will now be 10 metres behind you and the Spanish seem to think that putting lights at both sides of the junction takes the fun out of it. In my experience it is then best to shut your eyes and hope for the best, as the people on the intersecting carriageway will have a comparable disregard for their own signals.

Speaking of signals, dont indicate. Ever.

There is a little known medical ailment here in Spain that causes your penis to shrink should you be girly enough to lilluminate up the little orange lights at the corner of your chosen vehicle, and the men here are obviously playing very safe indeed in that respect.

"But why not show a little restraint Phil, and show Johhny Foreigner how its supposed to be done by waiting for the light to change to green?"

Good question whoever you are. The answer is simple.

In common with most other latin countries, all vehicles here are fitted with a highly advanced warning system that is linked to traffic lights. This clever little piece of kit detects if your vehicle is stationary for more than 0.001 seconds at a junction showing a green light, and immediately applies the
horn. Should you be further back down the queue, the device will hear the horn in front and apply its own to help the hapless individual at the front of the queue to move forward.

As a result of a brief blink last wednesday, I missed the change to a green light, and the mexican wave of twin tone horns had reached Barcelona before I managed to release the clutch.

2. Parking

In my English-Spanish dictionary it says "see abandon".

Want to pop into that quaint little bar youve just spotted?, No problem, just stop and get out.

Yellow lines? They are there to show you how far you are up onto the pavement when the traffic jam gets too dull.

The only rule that seems to apply is that you must never, ever apply your handbrake when parking. That way, if the space in front of you is too small, you can just push the offending vehicle forward enough to squeeze in. Of course you may also have to push the cars further up the street too, but these diesels have great torque, so once youve nudged two cars together,
you can shunt a full line further up.

This leads to some very confused expressions when Manuel returns from his siesta only to find that his SEAT is now in a different postcode than earlier in
the day.

Parking for bikes is more simple. There are absolutely thousands of dedicated motorcycle bays. Theyre called pavements, and if there isnt a dropped kerb near your chosen spot, simply join the pavement a bit earlier.
Too many pedestrians? What do you think your horn is for you big poof?

3. Lane discipline

Que?

4. Speed limits

See Lane discipline

5. Lights

Headlights are optional and should only be used if there is a total eclipse, or you have a medical certificate stating that you are registered blind.

6. Bus lanes

"Oh!, can buses use them too?"

7. Roundabouts

Valencia is a fair sized city, and like many others, has some main arterial routes, with hundreds of very narrow minor roads off them. Where these routes intersect there are a number of very large roundabouts with 5 or six lanes at every point of ingress.

"That must make it difficult to pick the right lane far enough in advance Phil"

Yes, it does my imaginary friend. Or so youd think.

Again, our ingenious Spanish friends have come up with a solution.

In totally the wrong lane and your exit is 1 metreahead but 20 metres to your right?
Simply indicate (oh god!! wheres my willy gone??, quick, switch it off!!), and turn. If youre a caring, considerate, Institute of Advanced Motorists type, you may also wish to apply the horn at this point.

So far the FJ has escaped unscathed, and the scooter riding Spaniards that I encounter every morning on my route to school have learned that "El loco Ingles" has a very heavy bike and is not afraid to use it.

8. ...............

There are no more rules.


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This was part of a bigger email, most of which would not make sense here.

If you ever get a chance to go to Valencia, jump at it; it's a fabulous place.