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Member Title:
Litre Club
Age:
80 years old
Birthday:
July 24, 1936
Gender:
Male Male

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jacktee   -----


Posts I've Made

  1. In Topic: Jacktee's Jokes

    Yesterday, 09:55 AM

    A slave call girl from Sardinia named 'Gedophamee' (pronounced Get-off-a-me) was attending a great but as yet unnamed athletic festival 2500 years ago in Greece.
    In those days, believe it or not, the athletes performed naked.
    To prevent unwanted arousal while competing, the men imbibed freely on drink containing saltpetre before and throughout the variety of events.
    At the opening ceremonial parade, Gedophamee observed the first wave of naked magnificent males marching toward her and exclaimed:
    'OH!! Limp pricks!'
    Over the next two and a half millennia that morphed into 'Olympics'.
    --------------------------------------
    The Teacher asked young Patrick Murphy: "What do you do at Christmas time?"
    Patrick addressed the class: "Well Miss Jones, me and my twelve brothers and sisters go to
    midnight mass and we sing hymns; then we come home very late and we put mince pies by
    the back door and hang up our stockings. Then all excited, we go to bed and wait for Father
    Christmas to come with all our toys."

    "Very nice Patrick," she said. "Now Jimmy Brown, what do you do at Christmas?"

    "Well, Miss Jones, me and my sister also go to church with Mum and Dad and

    we sing carols and we get home ever so late. We put cookies and milk by the

    chimney and we hang up our stockings. We hardly sleep, waiting for

    Santa Claus to bring our presents."

    Realising there was a Jewish boy in the class and not wanting to leave him out

    of the discussion, she asked, "Now, Isaac Cohen, what do you do at Christmas?"

    Isaac said, "Well, it's the same thing every year .. . Dad comes home from the office,

    we all pile into the Rolls Royce; then we drive to Dad's toy factory. When we get inside,

    we look at all the empty shelves . . . and begin to sing: 'What A Friend We Have in Jesus'.

    Then we all go to the Bahamas."
    ----------------------------------

    Bloke at a horse race whispers to Paddy next to him,
    "Do you want the winner of the next race?
    Paddy replies "No thanks, I've only got a small garden."
    -------------------------------------
    Paddy and Mick found 3 hand grenades and decided to take them to the police station.
    Miick, " What if one explodes before we get there?
    Paddy, "We,ll lie and say we only found two".
    ----------------------------------------
    A coach load of paddys on a mystery tour decided to run a sweepstake to]
    guess where they were going....
    The drive won £52!
    ------------------------------------------------
    Paddy's racing snail is not winning races anymore. So he decided to take it's]
    shell off to reduce it's weight and make him more aerodynamic,
    It didn't work, if anything it made him more sluggish.
    ----------------------------------------------
    Paddy finds a sandwich with two wires sticking out of it. He phones the police and
    says "Bejesas I've found a sandwich dat looks like a bomb."
    The operator asks, "Is it tickin?"
    Paddy says "No I tink it's beef.
    ----------------------------------------
  2. In Topic: Jacktee's Jokes

    25 November 2016 - 10:52 AM

    A priests asks the convicted murderer at the electric chair, "Do you have any last requests?” "Yes," replies the murderer. "Can you please hold my hand?"
    --------------------------------------
    Two Texans were out on the range talking about their favorite sex positions.

    One said, "I think I enjoy the rodeo position the best."

    "I don't think I have ever heard of that one," said the other cowboy. "What is it?"

    "Well, it's where you get your wife down on all fours and you mount her from behind. Then you reach around and cup each one of her breasts in your hands and whisper in her ear, 'Boy, these feel just like your sister's.' Then you try and stay on for 8 seconds."
    -----------------------------------
    Dog For Sale . Free to good home. Excellent guard dog.

    Owner cannot afford to feed Jethro anymore, as there are no more drug pushers,
    thieves, murderers, or molesters left in the neighborhood for him to eat. Most of
    them knew Jethro only by his Chinese street name, Ho Lee Schitt.
    ----------------------------------------------
    Five blokes in an Audi Quattro arrived at the ferry checkpoint.

    Blonde Tracey, in her brand new uniform, stops them and tells them: "I can't let you on the ferry. It is illegal to have 5 people in a Quattro. Quattro means four. One of you will have to get out and stay behind."

    "Quattro is just the name of the car," the driver replies disbelievingly. "Look at the papers: this car is designed to carry five persons."

    "You cannot pull that one on me. This is Tracey you're talking to here," she replies with a smile. "Quattro means four. You have five people in your car and you are therefore breaking the law. So I can't let you onto the ferry. It's more than my job's worth to let you all on."

    The driver is now very cross and replies angrily, "I've had enough of you. Call your supervisor over. I want to speak to someone with more intelligence....!"

    "Sorry," responds Tracey, "but Sharon is busy with those two blokes in the Fiat Uno."
    ------------------------------------------------
    Being British means driving your German car to an Irish pub to have a Belgian beer, then grabbing an Indian curry or a Turkish kebab on the way home where you recline on Swedish furniture and watch American shows on a Japanese TV.
    -----------------------------------------------
  3. In Topic: Jacktee's Jokes

    23 November 2016 - 11:01 AM

    A friend of mine has two tickets for the Formula l final race of the season, the Abu Dhabi Grand Prix, at the YAS Marina circuit on the weekend of 25th - 27th November.
    They are box premier seats and business class flights, hospitality & hotel accommodation. He didn’t realise when he bought them that this is the same day as his wedding.

    If you’re interested and want to go instead of him it’s at St Johns Church, Worcester at 2.15 pm on the 26th. Her name is June. She’ll be the one in the white dress. It may help if you take a couple of hankies along.

    Have a nice day,
  4. In Topic: Jacktee's Jokes

    18 November 2016 - 10:54 AM

    CAR TROUBLE

    A blonde pushes
    her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died.
    After he works on
    it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.
    She
    says, “What's the story?”
    He
    replies, “Just crap in the carburetor.”
    She
    asks, “How often do I have to do that?”


    SPEEDING TICKET

    A police officer
    stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her
    driver’s license.
    She replied in a
    huff, “I wish you guys would get your act together!
    Just yesterday they
    took my license away and now today you expect me to show it to
    you?”


    AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE

    A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's
    office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched
    it.
    “Impossible!”
    says the doctor. “Show me.”
    The redhead took
    her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, she pushed her
    elbow and screamed even
    more. She pushed her knee and screamed;
    likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed.
    Everywhere she
    touched made her scream.
    The
    doctor said, “You're not really a redhead, are you?”
    “Well,
    no,” she said, “I'm actually a blonde.”
    “I
    thought so,” the doctor said, “Your finger is broken.”


    KNITTING
    A
    highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway.
    Glancing at the car, he was astounded
    to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting!
    Realizing that
    She was oblivious to
    his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window,
    turned on his bullhorn and yelled, “PULL OVER!”
    “NO!”
    the blonde yelled back, “IT'S A SCARF!”


    BLONDE ON TIME
    A girl
    was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked
    her what their names
    were.
    The
    blonde responded by saying that one was named “Rolex” and one was
    named “Timex”.
    Her
    friend said, “Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?”

    “Helllooooo...! ,” answered the blonde. “They're watchdogs.”


    FINALLY, THE BLONDE
    JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!
    In
    The swim-meet, after
    the blond came in last competing in the breast-stroke, she
    complained to the judges
    that
    all the other girls were using their arms.

    .............................

  5. In Topic: Jacktee's Jokes

    11 November 2016 - 10:12 AM

    A hairdresser saw a job advertised at Debenhams store at a very unusually high salary so applied for an interview. the first thing he was asked have you any criminal records peodophile ect.? he thought this was strange and having said No,, then asked why. the interviewer replied. Well this is a job that has always been previously done by a female but now with the law of equal opportunity we have to give this position to a man. She goes on to say that he would be required to shave young ladies private parts as more and more 18 to 25 year old's are requiring this for photo sessions ( By this time sweat is running down his back and his mouth is dry) She then says You must have a steady hand as you then have to gently brush away the small unwanted hairs. She then says You seem to have the right credentials so can you make yourself available for a final interview at our Debenham's Branch in Newcastle at 8 a.m. Monday morning ?. He manages to croak Yes of course, but he says "Newcastle I thought the job was here in Birmingham ?." She replies "Oh yes it is but that is where the end of the interview queue will be."
    ------------------------------------------
    A Farmer coming home from Market carrying a live duck passes a Cinema showing "Sound Of Music," he thinks I always wanted to see this but on entering the Commissionaire says "You can't bring that duck in here" so he goes around the corner, waits 10 minutes, stuffs the duck down his trousers waits 'till there's a crowd going in and joins them. sat there in the stalls when the duck begins to get hot and bothered, it manages to stick its head out of the Farmers trousers and is then able to breathe. There is a women and her daughter sat next to him and after a while the daughter nudged her Mother, " Mam, mam, What Love?" this Feller next to me has got his "Thingy out" Take no notice Love, You get a lot of men doing that in the Cinema, You will find out they are harmless....... "Yes Mam I have seen one before but this one is eating my Crisps"
    ---------------------------------------------
    A guy asks his neighbor in an apartment building: “Mr Trepper, you live directly above me and you have the same 2-room apartment as I do. How many rolls of wallpaper did you buy when you moved in? “We got 18 rolls,” answers the neighbor. Two months later the guy meets his neighbor again and says, “It’s really funny – I put the wallpaper on everywhere and I still had 10 rolls left over.” Neighbor smiles, “Yeah, so did we.“
    ---------------------------------------------
    A balding, white haired man from Naples, Florida, walked into a jewellery store this past Friday evening with a beautiful much younger gal at his side. He told the jeweller he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweller looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring. The man said, 'No, I'd like to see something more special.'

    At that statement, the jeweller went to his special stock and brought another ring over. 'Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000 the jeweller said. The lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.

    The old man seeing this said, 'We'll take it.'

    The jeweller asked how payment would be made and the man stated, 'By check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon.'

    On Monday morning, the jeweller angrily phoned the old man and said, 'There's no money in that account.'

    'I know,' said the old man, 'but let me tell you about my great weekend!'
    -------------------------------------------------
    Is over heard by his teacher telling a classmate about his buddy getting hit by a bus.
    He says," Jimmy ran out right in front of the bus and the bus smashed his ass."
    Ms Jones says, "you mean rectum,Johnny!"
    Johnny says, " wrecked him??? Damn near killed him"
    --------------------------------
    A grade school teacher in Kentucky asked her students to use the word "fascinate" in a sentence.

    Molly put up her hand and said, "My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating."
    The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted you to use the word "fascinate, not fascinating".

    Sally raised her hand. She said, "My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated."
    The teacher said, "Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word "fascinate."

    Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word "fascinate", so she called on him.

    Johnny said, "My Aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight."
    -----------------------------------

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