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Litre Club
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78 years old
Birthday:
July 24, 1936
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jacktee   -----


Posts I've Made

  1. In Topic: Jacktee's Jokes

    26 September 2014 - 10:18 AM

    Two good old boys, Mick & Paddy, have been promoted from privates to Lance Corporals.

    Not long afterward, they’re out for a walk and Mick says, "Hey, Paddy, there’s the NCO Club; let’s you and me step in."

    "But we’re only privates," protests Paddy.

    "We’re Lance Corporals now," says Mick, pointing to his stripe and pulling him inside. "Now, Paddy, I’m a-gonna sit down and have me a drink."

    "But we’re privates," says Paddy.

    "You blind, boy?" asks Mick, pointing again at his stripe. "We’re Lance Corporals now!"

    So they have their drink, and pretty soon one of the Army lasses comes up to Mick.

    "You’re cute," she says, "and I’d like to date you, but I’ve got a bad case of gonorrhoea."

    Mick pulls his friend to the side and whispers, "Paddy, go look in the dictionary and see what Gonorrhoea means. If it’s okay, give me the okay sign."

    So Paddy goes to look it up, comes back, and gives Mick the big Thumbs Up.

    Three weeks later Mick is laid up in the infirmary with a terrible case of gonorrhoea.

    Mick says to Paddy, "Why did you give me the thumbs up?"

    "Well Mick, in the dictionary, it say gonorrhoea affects only the privates and we’re Lance Corporals now! "
    ---------------------------------
    Farmer Brown, from Minnesota, had a bull that he was quite proud of.

    One day he looked at the bull and noticed his eyes were crossed.

    That was disconcerting, because he knew he couldn’t get huge stud fees for

    a defective bull. He called the local vet who came right over. The vet assured him he could solve the problem.

    "Farmer Brown, you stand in front of the bull and watch his eyes.

    I will insert this straw into the bull’s rectum and blow. When the eyes uncross, yell stop."

    The vet did just that, and sure enough after a few minutes of blowing, the eyes uncrossed.

    Farmer Brown was thrilled. Several months pass and again he sees the eyes cross.

    He says to himself, "I better call the vet. No, wait a minute. Last time I called the vet, he charged me $250.00 for something that only took a few moments. I will do it myself."

    He went to the barn and called his trusty farm hand, Luke.

    "Luke, we have a problem here and this is what I want you to do.

    I will put this straw in the rear of my bull and blow. You watch his eyes, and when they uncross, tell me and I will stop blowing."

    Farmer Brown started blowing and blowing and nothing happened.

    Finally, he said, "You know, maybe I am not strong enough, Luke. Lets trade positions and you blow and I will watch."

    Luke went over to the bull, pulled out the straw, turned it around and reinserted it.

    "What the hell are you doing, Luke?" says Farmer Brown.

    "What do you think? I ain’t blowing on the same end that you did!"
    -----------------------------------------

    having a bad day

    A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen shaking frantically, almost in a dancing frenzy, with some kind of wire running from his waist towards the electric socket.

    Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current, she ran outside and grabbed a handy plank of wood and smacked him with it, breaking his arm in two places.

    Up to that moment, he had been happily listening to his iPod.
    -------------------------------------
    A new business was opening and one of the owner’s friends wanted to send him flowers for the occasion. They arrived at the new business site and the owner read the card,.... "Rest in Peace."

    The owner was angry and called the florist to complain.

    After he had told the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry he was, the florist replied, "Sir, I’m really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting angry, you should imagine this: somewhere, there is a funeral

    taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying,... ’Congratulations on your new location!’"
    --------------------------------


    A strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of John, one of the older workmen. After several minutes, John had enough.

    "Why don’t you put your money where your mouth is?" he said. "I will bet a week’s wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won’t be able to wheel back."

    "You’re on, old man," the braggart replied. "It’s a bet! Let’s see what you got."

    Morris reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said, "All right. Get in
    --------------------------------------
    A woman decided to have her portrait painted. She told the artist, "Paint me with diamond rings, a diamond necklace, emerald bracelets, a ruby broach, and gold Rolex."
    "But you are not wearing any of those things," he replied.
    "I know," she said. "It's in case I should die before my husband. I'm sure he will remarry right away, and I want his new wife to go crazy looking for the jewelry."
    -------------------------------------
  2. In Topic: Jacktee's Jokes

    22 September 2014 - 09:45 AM

    One morning, the husband returns the boat to their lakeside cottage after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out herself.
    She motors out a short distance, anchors, puts her feet up, and begins to read a book. The peace and solitude are magnificent
    Along comes a Fish & Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, ’Good morning, Ma’am. What are you doing?’
    ’Reading a book,’ she replies, (thinking, ’Isn’t that quite obvious?’
    ’You’re in a Restricted Fishing Area,’ he informs her.
    ’I’m sorry, officer, but I’m not fishing. I am reading!’
    ’Yes, but I see you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I’ll have to take you in and write you up a ticket.’
    ’If you do that, I’ll have to charge you with sexual assault,’ says the woman.
    ’But I haven’t even touched you,’ says the Game Warden.
    ’That’s true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment.’
    ’Have a nice day ma’am,’ and he left.
    ----------------------------------------
    A long time married couple decided to try and spice up their love life, so they bought some super-duper colored condoms from ebay.
    When they arrived they had the choice of colours,,, well that’s different said the husband look they have gold and silver as well.
    The old man said lets try and enjoy ourselves , , tonight I will used Gold!
    No said the wife, use the silver there may be a chance you will come second !!
    --------------------------------------
    An Essex girl was in a road crash and when the paramedics were lifting her from the car one noticed blood on her jeans. "Where are you bleeding from Love ?" asked the Medic. "Bleeding Romford Mate" she replied.

    ....................

    Teacher heard little Johnny swearing in the playground "Its a Fuc.ng Bastard" The Teacher says "You should not use language like that and at your age I guess you don’t know what these words mean"
    The kid answers "Yes I do, it means the car won’t start"
    ........................

    Never understand a women...... She will go and have boiling hot wax poured on her upper thigh and the hairs torn out by the roots and never flinch or make a sound yet she is terrified by a tiny spider.
    -----------------------------------------
    A kindergarten teacher handed out a coloring page to her class. On it was a picture of a duck holding an umbrella. The teacher told her class to color the duck in yellow and the umbrella green, however, Bobby, the class rebel, colored the duck in a bright fire truck red. After seeing this, the teacher asked him: "Bobby, how many times have you see a red duck?" Young Bobby replied with "The same number of times I've seen a duck holding an umbrella."
    -------------------------------------
    The Queen is inspecting 3 armed forces personnel, 1 from each of her fighting forces.
    She asks each one what they would do if they woke up and found a camel spider in their tent on operations?

    The squaddie says, “I’d reach over, grab my bayonet and stab it to death!”

    The matelot says, “I’d reach over, grab my boot and batter it to death !”

    The airman says, “I’d reach over, pick up my phone, call reception and ask……..

    “Who the f*ck has put a tent up in my hotel room?”
    ------------------------------
    Paddy is cleaning his rifle and accidentally shoots his wife. He dials 999.
    Paddy says, "It’s my wife, I’ve accidentally shot her. I’ve killed her."
    Operator, "Please calm down sir. Can you first make sure she really is dead?"

    CLICK,BANG.

    Paddy, "OK, done that, what next?
    ----------------------------------------------------

    One day a rich famous man went to buy a sport car from a dealership. The price of the car was $80000 and the man had only $79998 to pay.
    The sales associate insisted that the price is firm and it has to be $80000.
    The man came out of the store and looked around and saw a poor man begging for help. He went toward him and introduced himself and asked if he is kind enough to lend him $2. The poor man asked the reason. He replied that he is willing to buy a car. The poor man thought for a moment and gave the man $4 and said: Please buy one for me too.
    ----------------------------------------
    . The following is a customer complaint to the Irish Railway Company.

    Gentlemen,
    I have been riding your trains daily for the last two years, and the service on your line seems to be getting worse every day. I am tired of standing in the aisle all the time on a 14-mile trip. I think the transportation system is worse than that enjoyed by people 2,000 years ago.

    Yours truly,
    Patrick Finnegan

    Dear Mr. Finnegan,
    We received your letter with reference to the shortcomings of our service and believe you are somewhat confused in your history. The only mode of transportation 2,000 years ago was by foot.
    Sincerely,
    Irish Railway Company

    Gentlemen,
    I am in receipt of your letter, and I think you are the ones who are confused in your history. If you will refer to the Bible and the Book of David, 9th Chapter, you will find that Balaam rode to town on his A*s.

    That... gentlemen, is something I have not been able to do on your train in the last two years!

    Yours truly,
    Patrick Finnegan.
    ----------------------------------
  3. In Topic: Jacktee's Jokes

    19 September 2014 - 08:17 AM

    A doctor got a phone call from one of his colleagues. “We need a fourth for poker,” the voice on the phone said. “I’ll be right over,” replied the doctor. As he was putting on his overcoat, his wife asked, “Is it serious?” “Oh yes, quite serious,” he said gravely. “They've had to call in three other doctors as well.”
    -----------------------------------
    The Redcaps are chasing a deserter and is almost out of breath and his pace is getting slower, a Nun stood at the bus stop says "Quick son hide under my skirts"
    shortly after the M.P.s stop and ask the Nun if she has seen anyone running. she tells them that a man in Khaki just jumped in to a Taxi. they run off and after a while the man comes out. he thanks her and says "I hope you don’t mind me saying so Sister but under there I could see a lovely pair of legs" Sister says "If you had looked a bit closer you would have seen a pair od Bol..x you see I am a deserter too.
    -----------------------------------
    Paddy was ever so proud of his job in the British Railways lost property office. one day in a panic a man rang up and said "I am a keeper from Whip snade Zoo and today we have lost an Octopus on the London train, as anyone handed or brought it in. ?" Paddy says "What colour was it"
    -----------------------------
    Mick and Paddy were fishing Lough Ennell near Mullingar when Mick pulled out a cigar.
    As he had no matches, he asked Paddy for a light.
    "Sure, I believe I have a lighter somewhere." said Paddy.
    He reached into his tackle box and pulled out a 10 inch long Bic Lighter.’My God, man!’ said Mick, taking the huge Bic lighter in his hands. ’Where’d you get this monster?’
    ’Well,’ replied Paddy, ’I got it from my Genie.’
    ’You have a fecking Genie?’ Mick asked.
    ’Man, I have. He’s right here in my tackle box,’ says Paddy.
    ’Could I see him, Paddy?’
    Paddy opens his tackle box and sure enough out pops the Genie Addressing the Genie, Mick says, ’Hey, Big Lad! I’m a good pal of your master.
    Will you grant me one wish?’
    ’Yes, I will,’ says the Genie.
    So Mick asks the Genie for a million bucks. The Genie disappears back into the tackle box leaving Mick sitting there waiting for his million bucks.Shortly, the sky darkens and is filled with the sound of a million ducks flying directly overhead.

    Over the roar of the one million ducks Mick yells at Paddy, ’Fecking Hell, Paddy. I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks!’
    ’Sorry, Mick, I forgot to tell you - he’s very hard of hearing.
    Did you really think I asked for a 10 inch Bic?’
    -------------------------------------
    A farmer and his wife had just waken up one morning to the crowing of their rooster. While still in bed, the farmer's wife says, "Pa, you know our neighbor Mr. Jones?"
    "Yes Ma, I reckon I do," replied the sleepy farmer.
    "Well, every morning before he leaves the house for work, he gives his wife a big ol' kiss. Why don't you ever do that?"
    The farmer sighed and said, "Well, I reckon I can, but I just don't know her very well."
    -----------------------------------
    Prince Charles is on an official visit to Iran and asks the President "Where’s the Shah ?. the President says There’s no Shah, we got rid of the Shah years ago" Prince Charles says " What a shame but in that case i’ll have a Baarth"
    ...........................................

    Prince Charles was opening a factory in Walsall and he arrived wearing a large furry hat. the Mayor welcomed him, showed him the factory and afterwards took him back to the Mansion house for a banquet. The Mayors curiosity finally got the better of him and he asked what was the idea of wearing such strange headgear. Charles said " Well I told the Queen that I was coming to Walsall and Mummy said "Walsall Wear the Fox hat"
    ------------------------------
    A newsboy was standing on the corner with a stack of papers, yelling, "Read all about it; Fifty people swindled!” Fifty people swindled! Curios, a man walked over, bought a paper, and said, "Hey kid, this is an old paper, where’s the story about the big swindle?” The newsboy ignored him and went on calling out, "read all about it; Fifty-one people swindled!”
    -------------------------------------
  4. In Topic: Jacktee's Jokes

    17 September 2014 - 09:06 AM

    Mr. and Mrs. Thorne had just reached the airport in the nick of time to catch the plane for their two-week's vacation in Majorca. "I wish we'd brought the piano with us," said Mr. Thorne. "What on earth for?" asked his wife.
    "I've left the tickets on it."
    ---------------------------------------
    Siamese twins walk into a bar in Canada and park themselves on a bar stool.

    One of them says to the bartender, "Don’t mind us, we’re joined at the hip. I’m John, and he’s Jim.
    Two Molson Canadian beers, draft please,"

    The bartender, feeling slightly awkward, tries to make polite conversation while pouring the beers.
    "Been on holiday yet lads?"

    "Off to England next month". says John. "We go to England every year, rent a car ans drive for miles. Don’t we , jim?" Jim agrees.

    "Ah, England!" says the bartender. 2wonderful country.. the history, the beer, the culture...."

    "Nah, we don’t like that British crap," says John. Hamburgers and Molson’s beer, that’s us, eh Jim and we can’t stand the English- they’re so arrogant and rude."

    "So why keep going to England?" asks the bartender.

    "Its the only chance Jim gets to drive.
    ---------------------------------
    Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid.
    If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.
    ----------------------------
    The cashier told me “Strip down, facing me.”
    .How was I to know she meant my debit card?
    -------------------------------------
    A teacher asked her third grade class to name things that ended with
    “tor” that ate things.
    The first little boy dale said, "Alligator."
    "Very good dale, that’s a big word."
    The second boy wayne said, "Predator."
    “ Yes, that’s another big word wayne. Very well done."
    When johnny was asked he said, "Vibrator."
    After nearly falling off her chair, she says, "That is a big word
    Johnny, but it doesn’t eat anything."
    “ Well my mother has one and she says it eats f--king batteries like
    there’s no tomorrow!"
    ------------------------------------
    Just started watching female beach volleyball on TV and there’s already a wrist injury....
    But I should be alright by tomorrow.
    --------------------------------
    Bills wife likes sticking her breasts in his face, then asking for something really expensive.
    She inevitably gets what she wants! Is this what’s known as a booby trap!
    -------------------------------

    Karen lost her husband almost four years ago and still hasn’t got out of her mourning stage. Her daughter is constantly calling her and urging her to get back into the world. Finally, Karen says she’ll go out but says she doesn’t know anyone. Her daughter immediately replies, "Mum! I have someone for you to meet."
    Well, they hit it off immediately and, after dating for six weeks, he asked her to join him for a weekend in the countryside.
    Their first night away, she undresses as he does. There she stands, nude except for a pair of black lacy panties, he in his birthday suit.
    Looking at her, he asks, "Why the black panties?"
    She replies, "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore but, down there, I am still in mourning."
    He knows he’s not getting lucky that night.
    The following night, the same scenario. She’s standing there with the black panties on, and he is in his birthday suit... except that he is wearing a black condom.
    She looks at him and asks, "Why are you wearing a black condom?"
    He replies, "I want to offer my deepest condolences."
    --------------------------------

    A little boy about 12 years old is walking down the street dragging a flattened frog on a string behind him. He came up to the doorstep of ’a house of ill repute’ and knocked on the door.
    When the Madam answered it, she saw the little boy and asked what he wanted.
    He said, ’I want to have sex with one of the women inside. I have the money to buy it, and I’m not leaving until I get it.
    The Madam figured, why not, so she told him to come in. Once in, she told him to pick any of the girls he liked. He asked, ’Do any of the girls have any diseases?’
    Of course the Madam said ’No’. The boy said, ’I heard all the men talking about having to get shots after making love with Amber - THAT’S the girl I want.’
    Since the little boy was so adamant and had the money to pay for it, the Madam told him to go to the first room on the right.
    He headed down the hall dragging the squashed frog behind him. Ten minutes later he came back, still dragging the frog, paid the Madam, and headed out the door.
    The Madam stopped him and asked, ’Why did you pick the only girl in the place with a disease, instead of one of the others?’
    He said, ’Well, if you must know, tonight when I get home, my parents are going out to a restaurant to eat, leaving me at home with a baby-sitter.
    After they leave, my baby-sitter will have sex with me because she just happens to be very fond of cute little boys. She will then get the disease that I just caught.
    When Mum and Dad get back, Dad will take the baby-sitter home. On the way, he’ll give her one in the car and he’ll catch the disease.
    Then when Dad gets home from the baby-sitter’s, he and Mum will go to bed and have sex, and Mum will catch it.
    In the morning when Dad goes to work, the Milkman will deliver the milk, have a quickie with Mum and catch the disease, and HE’S the bugger who ran over my FROG!’
    ---------------------------------------
  5. In Topic: Jacktee's Jokes

    15 September 2014 - 09:59 AM

    A Japanese couple is having an argument over ways of performing highly erotic sex:

    Husband: Sukitaki.
    Wife replies: Kowanini!
    Husband says: Toka a anji rodi roumi yakoo!
    Wife on her knees literally begging: Mimi nakoundinda tinkouji!
    Husband replies angrily: Na miaou kina tim kouji!
    I can't believe you just sat and tried to read this. As if you understand Japanese!
    Unbelievable! Some people will read anything as long as it is about sex.
    -----------------------------
    A voice on the office loudspeaker announced: "We will be testing the speaker system to make sure it will work properly in case of emergency."
    All our confidence in this safety precaution faded when the voice added: "If you are unable to hear this announcement, please contact us."
    ---------------------------------
    Murphy walks into Paddy’s office and asks "Can I use your Dictaphone please ?" Paddy says "No use your finger like everyone else"
    .........................................

    The Queen was in Glasgow and she bumped into Alex Salmond.
    HMtQ: How nice to see you Mr Salmond.
    AS: Nice to see you Ma’am. Now, what are we going to call Scotland when we win Independence? How about calling it a Kingdom, and then I’ll be a King?
    HMtQ: No, we don’t like that.
    AS: Empire, and I’ll be Emperor?
    HMtQ: No.
    AS: Alright, so how about calling it a Principality, and then I’ll be a Prince?
    HMtQ: No Mr Salmond, I suggest we call it a Country and you can just carry on as you are.
    -----------------------------------------------

    I caught my wife in bed with my best mate. She was beside herself.
    "It’s OK," I said. "I know I’ve been neglecting you. We can talk about this: there’s no reason it should ruin our relationship."
    "Oh, thank you!" she said. "I don’t know why I did it."
    "Shut up," I wasn’t talking to you."!!
    -----------------------------------
    Some people say the greatest feeling in the world is seeing your first born child for the first time.
    Those people have clearly never had two kit-kats come out of a vending machine when you only paid for one
    -------------------------------------------
    A guide was showing Niagara-Falls to a man from Texas and said; I’ll bet you don’t have anything like this in Texas.
    The Texan said; nope, but in Texas we have plumbers who can fix it.
    ---------------------------------------
    The Church Dinner.

    A group of friends from Cotton Wood Church wanted a get together on a regular bases to socialize and play games.
    The lady of the house was to prepare the meal. When it came time for Al and Jean to be the hosts, Jean wanted to outdo all the others.

    She decided to have mushroom-smothered steak, but mushrooms are expensive.
    he then told her, "No mushrooms. They are too high.
    He said, "Why don’t you go down in the pasture and pick some of those mushrooms? There are plenty in the creek bed."
    She said, "No, some wild mushrooms are poison."
    He said, "Well, I see varmints eating them and they’re OK"

    So Jean decided to give it a try.

    She picked a bunch, washed, sliced, and diced them for her smothered steak. Then she went out on the back porch and gave OL Spot, the yard dog, a double handful.
    OL Spot ate every bite.
    All morning long, Jean watched OL Spot and the wild mushrooms didn’t seem to affect him, so she decided to use them.

    The meal was a great success, and Jean even hired a helper lady from town to help her serve.
    After everyone had finished, they relaxed, socialized, and played 42 and dominoes.
    About then, the helper lady came in and whispered in Jean’s ear. She said, "Mrs Williams, OL spot is dead" Jean went into hysterics.

    After she finally calmed down, she called the doctor and told him what had happened, "The doctor said "That’s bad but I think we can take care of it I will call an ambulance and I will be there as quickly as possible.

    The doctor arrived and said, "We’ll give everyone enemas and we will pump out everones stomach.
    Everything will be fine. Just keep calm", soon they could hear the siren as the ambulance was coming down the road.

    The EMTs and the doctor had their suitcases, syringes, and stomach pump.
    One by one, they took each person into the bathroom, and gave them an enema, and pumped out their stomach.
    The scene was not pretty.

    After the last one was finished, the doctor came out and said, "I think everything will be fine now". and left.
    They were all looking pretty weak sitting around the living room and about this time the lady helper came in and whispered to Jean,

    "You know, the guy who ran over OL Spot never even stopped."
    ---------------------------

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