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Member Title:
Litre Club
Age:
78 years old
Birthday:
July 24, 1936
Gender:
Male Male

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jacktee   -----


Posts I've Made

  1. In Topic: Jacktee's Jokes

    Yesterday, 10:36 AM

    When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure.



    Then Mrs. Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.



    When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.


    Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.


    Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drunk all the cider and hidden the liquor.



    In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.


    Just then the doorbell rang, and an irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.


    The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to put it?'


    And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.


    Not a lot of people know this.

    ----------------------------------------

    I love Christmas, running downstairs trying to be first, grabbing the gaily wrapped presents ripping them open, sometimes resulting in fights, then with our arms full of toys we would make up and go have a two hour lunch.
    I really do love working in the sorting office at the Post Office.
    ------------------------------
    I bought a lovely Christmas tree from Paddy’s Garden Centre. it would not fit in the car so I asked Paddy to cut the top off. He said "You go and have a cup of coffee Sir and i’ll see to it"
    half an hour later I went into the car park and...
    Well I have always really wanted a convertible car.
    -------------------------------
  2. In Topic: Jacktee's Jokes

    19 December 2014 - 11:10 AM

    A visitor from Holland was chatting with his American friend and was jokingly explaining about the red, white and blue in the Netherlands flag. “Our flag symbolizes our taxes,” the man said. “We get red when we talk about them, white when we get our tax bill, and blue after we pay them.” “That’s the same with us, the American said, “only we see stars, too.”
    ---------------------------------
    Everyone seems to be in such a hurry to scream
    ’RACISM’ these days.

    A customer asked,
    ’In what aisle could I find the Irish sausages?"
    The assistant asks,
    "Are you Irish?"

    The guy, clearly offended, says "Yes I am, but let me ask you something...
    If I asked for Italian sausages, would you ask me if I was Italian?
    Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?
    Or if I asked for Kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish?
    Or if I asked for a Taco, would you ask if I was Mexican?
    Or if I asked for a Polish sausage, would you ask if I was Polish?"

    The assistant says "NO, I probably wouldn’t"

    The guy says, "Well then, just because I asked for Irish sausage, why did you ask me if I’m Irish?"

    The assistant replied,
    "Because you’re in Homebase"!
    -------------------------------------------
    After her conviction of murder in the second degree, the District Attorney, during her sentencing hearing said, “Mrs. Grey – after you put the arsenic in the stew and served it to your husband, didn’t you feel even a little remorse for what you were doing?” “I did,” she said calmly. “And when was that?” quipped the D.A. “When he asked for seconds!” she replied.
    ----------------------------------
    A little girls note to the pilot.
    This little girl has a way with words for being only eight years old.
    The flight was Qantas 278 from Sydney to Wellington, NZ
    Dear Captain, my name is Nicola, am 8-years old this is my first flight but I’m not scared, I like to watch the sky go by.
    My mum says the crew is nice, I think your plane is good and thanks for a nice flight. but please don’t
    mess up the landing Luv Nicola.
    -----------------------------
    A government employee sat in his office, and out of boredom, decided to see what was inside his old filing cabinet. He poked through the contents and came across an old brass lamp. "This will look good on my mantel," he said, and took it home with him.

    While polishing the lamp, a genie appeared and, as usual, granted him three wishes.

    "I would like an ice-cold Coke right now." He gets his Coke and drinks it. Now that he can think more clearly, he states his second wish. "I wish to be on an island with beautiful women, who find me irresistible."

    Suddenly, he’s on an island with gorgeous women eyeing him lustfully. He tells the genie his third and last wish. "I wish I’d never have to work again." Instantly, he was back in his government office.
    ------------------------------------------
    Bob stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity. He waggled, looked up, looked down, waggled again, but didn't start his back swing. Finally his exasperated partner asked, "what the hell is taking so long?" "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse," Bob explained. "I want to make a perfect shot." "Good lord!" his companion exclaimed. "You don't have a snowball's chance in hell of hitting her from here."
    -------------------------------------------
    A couple was making their first doctors visit prior to the birth of their first child. After the exam, the doctor took a small stamp and stamped the wife’s stomach with indelible ink. The man and his wife were curious about what the stamp was for, so when they got home, the man took out his magnifying glass to try to see what is was. In very small letters, the stamp said, “When you can read this, come back and see me.”
    -----------------------------------
    An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 50 years. The wizard says, “Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you.” The old man says without hesitation, “I now pronounce you man and wife.”
    ----------------------------------------
    Cal was out driving in the country, seeing how his new car handled the curvy roads at high speeds. As he rounded a corner, one of his tires blew.
    When he got out of the car to change the tire, he noticed that he had stopped in front of the state mental asylum. There was also a man sitting on the brick wall in front of the facility.
    The driver went about his business, not paying any attention to the guy on the fence. He first took his tire iron and jack out of the car, and got the car jacked up. Then, he removed the hubcap. Next, he
    removed the six lug nuts, and placed them in the hubcap for safekeeping.
    About this time, the guy on the fence decided to start a conversation. This startled the driver, and he reeled around quickly, knocking over the hubcap, and the lug nuts fell into the sewer drain.
    The driver gets angry with the guy on the fence, shouting, "Now look what you made me do. Now I’m going to have to walk to town to buy some new lug nuts. Just go back inside and leave me be."
    The guy on the fence says, "Why don’t you just take one lug nut from each of your other three wheels, and use them on this one. That should hold it steady enough for you to drive the car to the auto parts
    store."
    The driver asks, "That’s a brilliant idea...then why are you here?"
    The guy on the fence replies, "I’m just crazy, not stupid."
    ----------------------------------------

    A guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and demanded all of the cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of Scotch that he wanted, behind the
    counter on the shelf. He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but the cashier refused and said, "Because I don’t believe you are over 21."The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it to him because he didn’t believe him. At this point, the robber took his driver’s license out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk. The clerk looked it over and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and he put the Scotch in the bag. The robber then ran from the store with his loot. The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address of the robber that he got off the license. They arrested the robber
    two hours later
    ------------------------------------
  3. In Topic: Jacktee's Jokes

    15 December 2014 - 11:27 AM

    -------------------------------------------

    A Jewish grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson who is
    coming to visit with his wife.

    "You come to the front door of the apartments.
    I am in apartment 301 .
    There is a big panel at the front door. With your elbow, push button 301.
    I will buzz you in.
    Come inside and the elevator is on the right.
    Get in, and with your elbow, push 3rd Floor.
    When you get out, I'm on the left.
    With your elbow, hit my doorbell. OK?"

    "Grandma, that sounds easy, but, why am I hitting all these buttons with my
    elbow? ………"

    "What . ... . ... .. You're coming empty handed?"

    ------------------------------------

    A funeral procession made its way down the road. Six close members of the family were carrying the coffin between them. On top of the coffin was a fishing line, a net and some bait. A passer-by remarked: "He must've been a very keen fisherman."
    "Oh, he still is," remarked one of the mourners. "He's off to the river as soon as we bury his wife!”
    ------------------------------------------
    STUDENT WHO OBTAINED 0% ON AN EXAM



    I would have given him 100%! Each answer is absolutely grammatically correct, and funny too. The teacher had no sense of humor.


    Q1.. In which battle did Napoleon die?

    * his last battle

    Q2.. Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?

    * at the bottom of the page

    Q3.. River Ravi flows in which state?

    * liquid

    Q4.. What is the main reason for divorce?

    * marriage

    Q5.. What is the main reason for failure?

    * exams

    Q6.. What can you never eat for breakfast?

    * Lunch & dinner

    Q7.. What looks like half an apple?

    * The other half

    Q8.. If you throw a red stone into the blue sea what it will become?

    * Wet

    Q9.. How can a man go eight days without sleeping ?

    * No problem, he sleeps at night.

    Q10. How can you lift an elephant with one hand?

    * You will never find an elephant that has one hand.



    Q11. If you had three apples and four oranges in one hand and four apples and three oranges in other hand, what would you have?

    * Very large hands

    Q12. If it took eight men ten hours to build a wall, how long would it take four men to build it?

    *No time at all, the wall is already built.

    Q13. How can u drop a raw egg onto a concrete floor without cracking it?
    *Any way you want, concrete floors are very hard to crack.
    -------------------------------------
  4. In Topic: Jacktee's Jokes

    12 December 2014 - 11:52 AM

    An obnoxious drunk stumbles into the front door of a bar and orders a drink, the bartender says, "No way buddy you're too drunk." A few minutes later the drunk comes in through the bathrooms, again he slurs, "give me a drink", bartender says "No man I told you last time you're too drunk" Five minutes later the guy comes in through the back door and orders a drink, again the bartender says, "You're too drunk" The drunk scratches his head and says "Damn I must be... the last two places said the same thing."
    ---------------------------------------
    Two buddies are fishing, but they haven’t caught anything all day. Then, another fisherman walks by with a huge load of fish. They ask him "excuse me, but where did you get all those fish?" The other fisherman replies,” If you just go down the stream until the water isn't salty, there are a ton of hungry fish." They thank him and go on their way. 15 minutes later, one fisherman says to the other "fill the bucket up with water and see if the water is salty." He dips the bucket in the stream and drinks some. "Nope. Still salty." 30 minutes later, he asks him to check again. "Nope, still salty." One our later they check again. "Nope. Still salty." "This isn't good," the fisherman finally says. "We have been walking for almost two hours and the water is still salty!" "I know," says the other. "And the bucket is almost empty!"
    -----------------------------------
    There was a hysterical call at the fire department, and it went like this: Help me, please help me; there is a cat meowing and yowling with frequency and urgency. It is going to hurt me, it’s going to kill me; can you please help me, and send the fire squad right away? Take it easy, cats don’t hurt us, just relax wait until he leaves.
    You don’t understand it is going to bite me, it is going to kill me; it is going to be fatal!
    Cats aren’t like snakes or spiders that are poisonous, by the way who is calling?
    I’m Josephine’s parrot you jerk! Help me please, please help
    -----------------------------------
    After a visit to the whore house,
    a man notices green lumps on his willy,
    so he goes to the doctor.
    “That’s serious” says the doctor.
    “You know how wrestlers get cauliflower ears?”
    “Yes” says the man seriously.
    “Well” says the doctor “You’ve got brothel sprouts.”
    ----------------------------------------
    Their three kids, all successful, agreed to a Sunday dinner in theire honor

    "Happy Aniversary Mom and dad" gushed Son No 1.
    "Sorry I’m running late. I had an emergency at the
    hospital with a patient, and I didn’t have time to het you a gift."

    "Not to worry" said the father. "Important thing is we’re all together today."

    Son No 2 arrived. "You and Mom look great, Dad.
    I just flew in from L A between depositions and
    didn’t have time to shop for you".

    "It’s nothing" said the father. "We’re glad you were able to come."

    Just then the daughter arrived.
    "Hello and happy anniversary! sorry, but my boss is
    sending me out of town and was busy packing so I did not have time to get you anything."

    After they had finished dessert, the father said,
    "Ther is something your mother and I have wanted to tell you for some time. You see, we were really poor, but we managed to send each of you college.
    Through the years your mother and I knew we loved each other very much, but we just never found the time to get Married."

    The three children gasped and said,
    "WHAT? You mean we’re bastards"?

    "YEP" said the father, "Cheap ones too...."
    -----------------------------------


    Ahkmed the Arab came to England

    > from the Middle East , and he was only here a few months

    when he became very ill.

    He went to doctor after doctor but none of them could help him.

    Finally, he went to an Arabic doctor who said,

    ’Take dees bucket, go into de odder room, poop in de bucket, pee on de poop,

    and den put your head down over de bucket and breathe in de fumes for ten minutes.’

    Ahkmed took the bucket, went into the other room, pooped in the bucket, peed on the poop,

    bent over and breathed in the fumes for ten minutes.

    Coming back to the doctor he said, ’It worked. I feel terrific! What was wrong with me?’

    The doctor said, ’You were homesick.’
    ------------------------------------------------------------
    A little old lady came home from shopping and found a robber in her kitchen. Scared and not knowing what to do, she raised her hand and quoted the Scripture "Acts 2:38." The robber froze in his tracks, so she called the police. When the policeman came, he saw this robber standing perfectly still and wondered what the lady had done. He asked her, and she replied, "I just quoted some Scripture." The policeman turned to the robber and said, "Why did that Scripture make you act this way?" The robber replied, "Scripture, what Scripture? I thought she said she had an axe and two 38s."
    ----------------------------------
    A man wakes up one morning in Colorado to find a bear on his roof.

    So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there’s an advert for ’Bear Removers’

    He calls the number and the bear remover says he’ll be over in 30 minutes.

    The bear remover arrives in his van. He’s got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull.

    "What are you going to do? the homeowner asks.

    "I’m going to put this ladder up against the roof and then I’m going to go up there and knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat.
    When the bear falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go.

    The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van

    He hands the shotgun to the homeowner.
    "What’s the shotgun for? asks the homeowner.

    "If the bear knocke me off the roof, shoot the dog.
    -----------------------------------
  5. In Topic: Jacktee's Jokes

    10 December 2014 - 09:06 AM

    A policeman finds someone crawling on all fours in the middle of the street. The cop approaches him and asks him, "What on earth do you think you’re doing?" The man on the floor replies, “I’ve lost it." The policeman asks him curiously, "lost what?" The man on the floor answers, "well (hiccup) my balance sir."
    --------------------------------------
    A grizzled old man was eating in a truck stop when three very large, leathered bikers walked in. The first walked up to the old man, pushed his cigarette into the old man's pie and then took a seat at the counter. The second walked up to the old man, spat into the old man's milk and then he too took a seat at the counter. The third walked up to the old man, turned over the old man's plate, and then he took a seat at the counter. Without a word of protest, the old man quietly left the diner. Shortly thereafter, one of the bikers said to the waitress, "Humph, not much of a man, was he?" The waitress replied, "Not much of a truck driver either, he just backed his big-rig over three motorcycles."
    ------------------------------------
    She said to the boutique manager: "Do you mind if I try on that red dress in the window?" He said: "Sure - can't be bad for business!"
    -------------------------


    A World War II pilot is reminiscing before school children about his flying days during the war.

    "In 1942," he says, "the situation was really tough. The Germans had a very strong air force. I remember, " he continues, "one day I was protecting the bombers and suddenly, out of the clouds, these fokkers appeared.

    (At this point, several of the children giggle.)

    I looked up, and right above me was one of them. I aimed at him and shot him down. They were swarming. I immediately realized that there was another fokker behind me."

    At this instant the girls in the auditorium start to giggle and boys start to laugh. The teacher stands up and says, "I think I should point out that ’Fokker’ was the name of the German-Dutch aircraft company"

    "That’s true," says the pilot, "but these fokkers were flying Messerschmitt’s."
    ----------------------------------------
    The Bennett family had just moved into the neighborhood and was anxious to make a good impression. But the neighbors seemed busy and not interested. One day Matthew, their youngest boy, ran into the house and announced, ''Ma, a lady down the street just asked me my name!'' Mother replied, ''Great! And then what happened?'' Matthew said, ''Oh, she gave it to the policeman.''
    ----------------------------------
    This morning, from a cave somewhere in Pakistan,
    Taliban Minister of Migration,
    Mohammed Omar, warned the United States and Canada that if military action against Iraq and
    Afghanisan continues, Taliban authorities will cut
    off America’s and Canada’s supply of convenience store managers.

    And if this action does not yield sufficient results, cab drivers will be next, followed by, Visa, Bell and Rogers customer sevice reps.

    It’s getting ugly folks.
    ---------------------------------

    PC Knowledge!

    This ought to make you feel better about
    your Computer skills!
    I went onto problem page and came up with these,
    I have also left off the names of those who had problems, also the Tec suports name.

    Tec support.
    What kind of computer do you have?
    Customer. A white one...
    Tec support. Click on the ’my computer’ icon on tthe left of the screen.
    Customer. Your left or mine?

    Customer.
    Hi, good afternoon, this is M*****, I can’t find print. every time I try, it says ’can’t find printer’. I’ve even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still days he can’t find it....
    Tech support. What’s on your monitor now, ma’am?
    Customer. A teddy bear my boyfriend gave me at the 7-11.

    Customer. My keyboard is not working anymore.
    Tec support. Are you sure it’s plugged into the computer?
    Customer. No i can’t get behind the computer.
    Tec support. Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.
    Customer. yes.
    Tech support. Did the keybosrd come with you?
    Customer. Yes.
    Tech suport. That means the keyboard is not plugged in.

    Customer. I can’t get on the Internet.
    Tech support. Are you sure you have used the right password?
    Customer, Yes I’m sure, I saw my colleage do it.
    Tech support. Can you tell me what the password was?
    Customer, Five dots.

    Tech support. What anti-virus program do you use?
    Customer. Netscape.
    Tec support. Thats not an anti-virus program.
    Customer. Oh, sorry...Internat Explorer.

    Customer. I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screen saver on my computor, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears.

    Customer. called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer.
    Tec Support. Are you running it under windows?
    Customer. no my desk is next to the door, but the that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his printer is working fine.

    Tech support.
    OK B**, let’s press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter ’P’ to bring up the Program Manager.

    Customer. Idon’t have a P’
    Tech Supoport On your keyboard, B**
    Customer. What do you mean?
    Tech Support. ’P’....on your keyboard, B**.
    Customer. I’M NOT GOING TO DO THAT.!

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