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Litre Club
78 years old
July 24, 1936
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jacktee   -----

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  1. In Topic: Jacktee's Jokes

    Yesterday, 10:39 AM

    At Murphys funeral someone said that his wife found out that he was having an affair and that she killed him by throwing his best suit out of the bedroom window. The man said "Surely that wouldent kill him"
    the other man said "Murphy was wearing it at the time.

    Paddy went into the Public Library and asked for a book by Shakespeare. the librarian said certainly sir, which one and Paddy said "William of course"
    Some women put on a wig, false eye lashes, false fingernails, sixteen pounds of assorted creams, blusher ,creams,a living bra ,have facelifts, botox and plastic surgery. then complain they can not find a "Real man"

    I saw Paddy the ventriloquist sat on his own in the pub earlier.
    "Where’s Seamus?" I asked, "You never go anywhere without that doll."

    "Seamus has been kidnapped," Paddy blurted, fighting back tears. "I had a call earlier demanding a ransom, but I refused to pay it."
    "Good for you," I said. "Don’t give in to the ba----ds"
    "It’s not that," said Paddy. "I’ll gladly pay to get Seamus back.
    "What is it then? Are they asking too much?"
    "No," Paddy shook his head, "It wasn’t the real kidnappers. I demanded to speak to him first, and as soon as he started talking I knew there was something wrong. It didn’t sound anything like the little fella."
    2 Young lads were up in court on drug dealing charges.
    The judge said, "I´m a very fair man and seeing as you are so Young i will give you a Chance to prove yourselves before i sentence you. You have untill Tuesday next week to prove you are worthy not to go to jail."

    On Tuesday the first youth said to the Judge "Your Honour, i have stopped 10 druggies from using them anymore simply by drawing 2 circles and saying, this big circle is your brain before drugs and this small circle is your brain after drugs."

    The judge was very impressed and called the second youth up an asked what he had achieved.

    He said, "Your Honour, i too have saved 50 People from using drugs simply by drawing 2 circles and saying, this small circle is your arse before you go to jail and this big circle is.....
    A teacher asks her students to discuss what their dads do for a living.
    Little Mary says:
    "My Dad is a lawyer. He puts the bad guys in jail."
    Little Jack says:
    "My Dad is a doctor. He makes all the sick people better."
    All the kids in the class had their turn except Little Johnny.
    The teacher says:
    "Johnny, what does your Dad do?"
    Johnny says:
    "My Dad is dead."
    "I’m sorry to hear that, but what did he do before he died?"
    "He turned blue, and crapped on the carpet."
    The judge frowned at the tired robber and said, “then you admit breaking into the same store on three successive nights?” ”Yes, your honor.”
    “And why was that?” “Because my wife wanted a dress.”
    The judge check with his records, “But it says here you broke in three nights in a row!”
    “Yes sir. She made me exchange it two times.”
    An elderly couple are having dinner to celebrate their 75th wedding anniversary. The old man leans forward and says to his wife, "It has always bothered me that our tenth child never quite looked like the rest of our children. I want to assure you that these 75 years have been the most wonderful experience I could have ever hoped for and your answer will never take all that away. But... I must know, did he have a different father?"The wife drops her head, unable to look her husband in the eye, pauses for moment and then confesses. "Yes, he did.""Who was he?" he asks.The old woman drops her head, trying to muster the courage to tell the truth to her husband. She gulps down her wine and finally, she says, "You."
    The man was in front of the Ape cage at the zoo. He covered his eyes and the Ape did the same. He covered his ears - the Ape did the same. He covered his mouth, so did the Ape. He tweaked his nose at the ape and the Ape got mad and threw ape-crap all over the man. The man ran to the zookeeper and complained. The zookeeper asked him what he had done to piss-off the Ape. He told him all the things he did. When he got to the part about 'tweaking his nose' at the Ape, the zoo-keeper said "Well, no wonder! Tweaking your nose means F-YOU in Ape-talk!" So, the next day the man goes back to the zoo to get even with the Ape. He did all the same stuff at the Ape and the Ape copied him, but instead of tweaking his nose at the Ape, the man produced a big butcher knife from his back pocket, unzipped his fly, pulled out a sausage he had put there, whacked the end of the sausage off, and offered the butcher knife through the cage for the Ape to do the same. The Ape looked up at the man in horror, and without hesitation, vehemently tweaked his nose at the man.
  2. In Topic: Jacktee's Jokes

    29 August 2014 - 09:00 AM

    Now that the American’s have killed Bin Laden, Police in the UK have started rounding up our most dangerous Islamic terrorists...Bin Claiming,...Bin Stealing,...Bin Mugging,...Bin Dealing,...and Bin Raping. As yet though, there’s no sign of Bin Working!!..
    The other morning I was walking on the river bank eating a Mc.Donalds burger and I threw the remains into the water. I could have swore I saw a man with dark glasses and a white stick dive in but after a few minutes it was only a Labrador that climbed out.
    I really must get my eyes tested....

    The stewardess said to the Co. pilot "Could you have a word with one of the passengers back there" I just asked him if he would like some Head phones and he immediately unbuttoned his trousers" The Co.Pilot asked her to show him the passenger and when she did so he said" Oh that’s one of our regulars on the Airline, its Mr. Phones"
    A man’s house is on fire. He runs out of the house with his son and tells him to wait outside. Then he runs back in and gets his daughter and brings her outside. Then his wife. Then the dog. Then he goes back in a couple of times without bringing out anybody.

    So a fireman asks him, "Why are you going back in there?"

    The man replies, "I’m turning over my mother-in-law."
    A woman has to go to Italy for a conference, so her husband drives her to the airport.

    "Thank you, honey," she says.

    "What would you like me to bring back for you?"

    He laughs and says, "An Italian girl!"

    When the conference is over, he meets her at the airport and asks, "So, honey, how was the trip?"

    "Very good," she replies."And what happened to my present?"

    "Which present?" she says.

    "The one I asked for—an Italian girl!"

    "Oh, that," she says.
    "Well, I did what I could. Now we have to wait nine months to see if it’s a girl."

    A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen shaking frantically, almost in a dancing frenzy, with some kind of wire running from his waist towards the electric socket.

    Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current, she ran outside and grabbed a handy plank of wood and smacked him with it, breaking his arm in two places.

    Up to that moment, he had been happily listening to his iPod
    The drunken defendant appears yet again before the tired judge, who says, "You have been constantly appearing before me for the past twenty years." Replied the drunk: "Can I help it if you can't get promoted?"
    Paddy was at the counter in B. and Q. and told the assistant "Ill have this tin of paint please" when the girl asked if he wanted a bag Paddy replied "No Love just leave it in the tin"

    Abe Goldberg had a nice little Hardware business until B. and Q. opened next door, he was even more upset when Wickes opened another hardware shop on the other side next door.
    He told his wife Rose "We are ruined" but Rose told him "Don’t worry" and the following day she got her brother Abe who was a signwriter to put up over the shop door a large sign which read "Main Entrance"

    (For Thomas ) The Doctor gave him six months to live and when the man asked "Could it possibly be any longer ?" the Quack said "You could fast track and marry a Liverpool girl" the man said "Would doing that make me live longer ?" the Doctor answered "No, but it will just seem longer
  3. In Topic: Jacktee's Jokes

    27 August 2014 - 09:08 AM

    Three old couples were having tea one fine day. There were all chatting and whatnot when one of the men, trying to get a chuckle, said to his wife, "Pass the honey, honey!” Getting the chuckle he expected, he carried on. A moment later, the second man said, "Pass the sugar, sugar!" This got a bit of a bigger laugh, so the third man, although not quite as clever or quick-witted as the other two, decided to join in the fun. He waited for the perfect opportunity, cleared his throat and then confidently said, "Pass the tea, bag!"
    A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary on the beaches in Montego Bay, Jamaica. Their domestic tranquillity had long been the talk of the town. People would say, "What a peaceful & loving couple" The local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage.
    The Husband replied: "Well, it dates back to our honeymoon in America," explained the man. "We visited the Grand Canyon, in Arizona, and took a trip down to the bottom of the canyon, by horse. We hadn’t gone too far when my wife’s horse stumbled and she almost fell off. My wife looked down at the horse and quietly said, "That’s once."
    "We proceeded a little further and her horse stumbled again. Again my wife quietly said, "That’s twice." We hadn’t gone a half-mile when the horse stumbled for the third time my wife quietly removed a revolver from her purse and shot the horse dead.
    I SHOUTED at her, "What’s wrong with you, Woman! Why did you shoot the poor animal like that? Are you bloody crazy!?" She looked at ME, and quietly said, "That’s once."
    And from that moment..... we have lived happily every after.
    A guy was sunbathing naked in a secluded part of a beach when he was suddenly awakened by a little girls inquiring what that "thing" was between his legs with all that hair around it? And what where those things on each side? He told her it was a bird in its nest with two eggs. He then told her to move along and go back to her parents. He awakened sometime later in excruciating pain and when he looked down his pubic hair was ablaze and his nuts were killing him. He quickly put out the fire and grabbed his nuts. On the side the little girl was standing and he asked her what did she do? She told him that she came back and she was petting his bird when suddenly it spit at her so she cracked its eggs and set its nest on fire.

    Poor old Bob sent his photograph off to a Lonely Hearts Club.
    They sent it back saying they weren't that lonely
    “I’d like to order a bar pizza,” the idiot says.
    “Shall I ask them to cut it into six or twelve slices,” the barmaid asks.
    “Six, please. I could never eat twelve pieces.”
    A guy was getting ready to tee off on the first hole when a second golfer approached and asked if he could join him. The first said that he usually played alone, but agreed to the twosome.

    They were even after the first few holes. The second guy said, "We’re about evenly matched, how about playing for five bucks a hole?" The first guy said that he wasn’t much for betting, but agreed to the terms.

    The second guy won the remaining sixteen holes with ease.

    As they were walking off number eighteen, the second guy was busy counting his $80.00. He confessed that he was the pro at a neighboring course and liked to pick on suckers. The first fellow revealed that he was the Parish Priest.

    The pro was flustered and apologetic, offering to return the money. The Priest said, "You won fair and square and I was foolish to bet with you. You keep your winnings."

    The pro said, "Is there anything I can do to make it up to you?"

    The Priest said, "Well, you could come to Mass on Sunday and make a donation...... And, if you want to bring your mother and father along, I’ll marry them."
    Our teacher asked what was my favorite animal was, and I said, "Fried chicken."

    She said I wasn’t funny, but she couldn’t have been right, because everyone else laughed.

    My parents told me to always tell the truth. I did.Fried chicken is my favorite animal.

    I told my dad what had happened, and he said my
    teacher was propably a member of PETA. He said they love animals very much. I do, too.
    Especially chicken, pork and beef.

    Anyway, my teacher sent me to the prinipal’s office.
    I told him what happened, and he laughed, too. Then he told me not to do it again.

    The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was. I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, so I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken.

    She sent me back to the pricipal’s office.
    He laughed, and told me not to do it again.

    I don’t understand.
    My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn’t like it when I am.

    Today, my teacher asked me to tell her what famous person I admired most.

    "Colonel Sanders."

    Guess where I am now....

    A family are driving behind a garbage truck when a dildo flies out and thumps against the windscreen. Embarrassed, and to spare her young son"s innocence, the mother turns around and says, "Don"t worry; that was an insect."To which, her son replies, "I"m surprised it could get off the ground with a c-ck like that."

    I phoned my boss’s mobile. "I’m on the train heading to the south coast now."
    "What?.." He answered, sounding a bit annoyed. "It’s five ’o’ clock in the f--king morning! What are you doing on a train?"
    "You tell me," I replied. "You’re the one who told me to be in Brighton early this morning."

    A female journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Wailing Wall in Jerusalem to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time.
    So she went to check it out. She went to the Wailing Wall and there he was, walking slowly up to the holy site.
    She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, using a cane and moving very slowly, she approached him for an interview.
    "Pardon me, sir, what’s your name?"
    "Morris Feinberg," he replied.

    "Sir, how long have you been coming to the Wailing Wall and praying?"

    "For about 60 years."

    "60 years! That’s amazing! What do you pray for?"

    "I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims."

    "I pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop."

    "I pray for all our children to grow up safely as responsible adults and to love their fellow man."

    "I pray that politicians tell us the truth and put the interests of the people ahead of their own interests.
    "How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?

    "Like I’m talking to a bloody wall"
  4. In Topic: Jacktee's Jokes

    25 August 2014 - 10:01 AM

    Dog V Wives.

    Sixteen Logical Reasons Why Some Men Have Dogs
    and Not Wives.

    (1) The later you are the more excited your dog
    is to see you.

    (2) Dogs don’t notice if you call them by another dog’s name.

    (3) Dog’s like it if you leave lots of things on the floor.

    (4) Dog’s parants never visit.

    (5) Dog’s agree that you have to raise your voice
    to get your point across.

    (6) You never have to wait for a dog, their ready to
    go instantly twenty hours a day.

    (7) Dogs find it amusing when your pissed.

    (8) Dog’s like to go hunting and fishing.

    (9) Dog’s won’t wake you at night to ask, If I died
    would you get another dog.

    (10) If a dog has babies, you can put an add in the paper and sell them.

    (11) When you drop a silent one, Dogs don’t run
    around frantically with a room spray.

    (12) Dogs never tell you to stop scratching youre
    balls, instead they sit pondering why you don’t lick them.

    (13) Dogs will let you put a studded colar on without calling you a pervert.

    (14) If a dog smells another dog on you, it won’t kick you in the crotch it just finds it interesting.

    And last, but not least,
    If a dog runs off and leaves you, it won’t take half your stuff.
    To veryfy these statements Lock your wife and your dog in the garage for an hour, then open the
    door and observe who’s happy to see you!
  5. In Topic: Happy Cake day Fozzie Jr

    23 August 2014 - 08:45 AM

    Happy birthday, have a good one Chris



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