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Litre Club
Age:
80 years old
Birthday:
July 24, 1936
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jacktee   -----


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  1. In Topic: Jacktee's Jokes

    26 August 2016 - 08:07 AM

    The mother-in-law arrives home from shopping to find her son-in-law, Paddy in a steaming rage and hurriedly packing his suitcase.

    "What happened Paddy?" she asks anxiously.

    "What happened? I'll tell you what happened! I sent an email to my wife telling her I was coming home today from my fishing trip. I get home ... and guess what I found? Your daughter, my wife, Jean, naked with Joe Murphy in our marital bed! This is unforgivable! The end of our marriage. I'm done. I'm leaving forever!"

    "Ah now, calm down, calm down Paddy!" says his mother-in-law. "There is something very odd going on here. Jean would never do such a thing! There must be a simple explanation. I'll go speak to her immediately and find out what happened."
    Moments later, the mother-in-law comes back with a big smile.
    "Paddy, there, I told you it must be a simple explanation
    She never got your email!"
    -------------------------------------
    At the National Art Gallery in Dublin, a husband and wife were staring at the portrait that had them completely confused. The painting depicted 3 black men totally naked, sitting on a bench. Two of the figures had black penises, but the one in the middle had a pink penis.

    The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his personal assessment. He went on for over half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of African Americans in a predominately white, patriarchal society.

    'In fact', he pointed out, 'some serious critics believe that the pink penis also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary society'.

    After the curator left, an Irishman approached the couple and said, 'Would you like to know what the painting is really about?'

    'Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the gallery', asked the couple?
    'Because I am the artist, who painted the picture,' he replied. 'In fact, there are no African Americans depicted at all. They're just three Irish coal miners. The guy in the middle went home for lunch.'
    ---------------------------------------
    Bubba died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly. The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best friends, Darryl and Gary.
    The three men had always done everything together!!!!!
    Darryl arrived first and when the mortician pulled back the sheet Darryl said, “Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll him over.”
    The mortician rolled him over, and Darryl said, “Nope, ain’t Bubba.”
    The mortician thought this was rather strange. Then he brought Gary in to identify the body.
    Gary looked at the body and said, “Yup he’s pretty well burnt up. Roll him over.” The mortician rolled him over and Gary said, “No, it ain’t Bubba.”
    The mortician asked, “How can you tell?”
    Gary said, “Well, Bubba had two assholes.”
    “What? He had two assholes?” asked the mortician.
    Yup, I’ve never seen ‘em, but everyone knew he had two assholes. Every time we went to town, folks would say, “Here comes Bubba with them two assholes!”
    ----------------------------------------------
    A young boy came home from school and told his mother, "I had a big fight with my classmate. He called me a sissy." The mother asked, "What did you do?" The boy replied, "I hit him with my purse!"
    ------------------------------------------
    Teacher: "Answer this math problem: if your father earns $500 a week and gives half to your mother. What will he have?" Student: "A heart attack."
    --------------------------------------
    My husband is a liar and a cheat. He has cheated on me from the beginning and when I confront him, he denies everything.
    What's worse, everyone knows he cheats on me. It's so humiliating.
    Also, since he lost his job 14 years ago, he hasn't even looked for a new one.
    All he does all day is smoke cigars, play golf, cruise around and shoots clay pigeon with his buddies
    and has sex with hookers, while I work so hard to pay our bills.
    Since our daughter went away to college and then got married;
    he doesn't even pretend to like me, and hints that I may be a lesbian.

    What should I do?
    Signed:
    Confused

    Dear Confused:
    Grow up and dump him. You don't need him anymore!
    Good grief woman, you're running for President of the United States!
    --------------------------------------------
  2. In Topic: Jacktee's Jokes

    19 August 2016 - 09:12 AM

    For years two Maiden Aunts had a pair of ilve Monkey's in cages out in the back garden. sadly one day the animals caught flue and died. Distraught the two old ladies were recommended by a friend to take them to a Taxidermist and then they would still have the memory's. So off they went and after examining the corpses the man said "Yes would you like them Mounting ?. Quite Shocked the Old Maids said " Oh No no, simply holding hands "
    -------------------------------------------
    One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex standing in the foyer of the church staring up at a large plaque. It was covered with names and small American flags mounted on either side of it. The six-year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside the little boy, and said quietly, 'Good morning Alex.'

    'Good morning Pastor,' he replied, still focused on the plaque. 'Pastor, what is this? ' The pastor said, 'Well son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service.' Soberly, they just stood together, staring at the large plaque. Finally, little Alex's voice, barely audible and trembling with fear asked,

    "Which service, the 8:30 or the 10:30?

    -----------------------------------

    So it was Jim’s first time leaving Europe, he was excited about visiting America and expanding his horizons. “Excuse me”, said a woman to him at the airport. “Do you happen to be traveling to America?” “As a matter of fact I am” responded Jim. “Do me a favor, my husband left to America 2 months ago and I haven’t seen or heard from him since. If you meet a fellow named John Dun, tell him to call his wife.” Jim happily complied and was on his way. He was barely in America for a hour when he saw a big building with the words Dun Watches, “Wow!” thought Jim “that was easy.” Jim walked into the building and asked the lady behind the desk “do you have a John here?” “Second door on the left,” was her reply. Jim saw a man walking out of the door drying his hands “are you Dun?” he asked. “Yes” came the mystified reply. “Call your wife,” said Jim, “she’s been waiting to hear from you.”

    ---------------------------------------------------

    One day a post office sorting worker found a letter addressed to God, he opened it and reads "Dear God, I hope you can help me, last Thursday I was mugged and my purse was stolen, it contained £50 that I had saved to buy a toy for my great grandsons birthday, I am crying as I write this letter. Please help if you can, yours faithfully Mary Jones, aged 83. The letter was shown to the staff in the sorting office, and they had a whip round and raised £46, this sum was sent to Mary. A week later another letter turned up addressed to God. the staff gathered round as the letter was opened, "Dear God thankyou very much, I bought my Great grandson his present, his face lit up and we had a wonderful day, Yours Faithfully Mary, P,S when I opened your letter I found it to be £4 short, I expect it was those thieving bastards at the post office.

    ================================

    An elderly couple was celebrating their sixtieth anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired. Holding hands, they walked back to their old school. It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they'd shared, where Andy had carved "I love you, Sally."
    On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armored car, practically landing at their feet. Sally quickly picked it up and, not sure what to do with it, they took it home. There, she counted the money - fifty thousand dollars!
    Andy said, "We've got to give it back."
    Sally said, "Finders keepers." She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic.

    The next day, two police officers were canvassing the neighborhood looking for the money, and knocked on their door. "Pardon me, did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armored car yesterday?"
    Sally said, "No".
    Andy said, "She's lying. She hid it up in the attic.
    Sally said, "Don't believe him, he's getting senile"
    The agents turned to Andy and began to question him. One said: "Tell us the story from the beginning."
    Andy said, "Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday ..."
    The first police officer turned to his partner and said, "We're outta here!"
    ----------------------------------------------------
    Earl and Bubba are quietly sitting in a boat fishing,
    chewing tobacco and drinking beer when suddenly
    Bubba says, "Think I'm gonna divorce the wife - she
    ain't spoke to me in over 2 months."
    Earl spits overboard, takes a long, slow sip of beer and says,
    "Better think it over...........women like that are hard to find."
    ------------------------------------------------------
  3. In Topic: Jacktee's Jokes

    15 August 2016 - 08:50 AM

    While walking down the street one day, a high ranking politician is tragically hit by a truck and dies. His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.
    "Welcome to Heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."
    "No problem, just let me in," says the politician .
    "Well, I'd like to but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in Hell and one day in Heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity."
    "Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in Heaven," says the politician.

    I'm sorry but we have our rules." And with that, St. Peter escorts the politician to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to Hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a club and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him, everyone is very happy and in evening dress.
    They run to greet him, hug him, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people. They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster and caviar. Also present is the Devil, who really is a very friendly guy and has a good time dancing and telling jokes.
    They are having such a good time that, before he realizes it, it is time to go. Everyone gives him a big hug and waves while the elevator rises. The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on Heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.
    "Now it's time to visit Heaven." So 24 hours pass with the politician head of state joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.
    "Well then, you've spent a day in Hell and another in Heaven. Now choose your eternity."
    He reflects for a minute, then the head of state answers: "Well, I would never have thought it, I mean Heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in Hell."
    So Saint Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to Hell. Now the doors of the elevator open and he is in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags. The Devil comes over to the politician and lays an arm on his neck.


    "I don't understand," stammers the politician. "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and club and we ate lobster and caviar and danced and had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable."
    The Devil looks at him, smiles and says, "Of course! Yesterday we were campaigning. Today you voted for us!"
  4. In Topic: Jacktee's Jokes

    12 August 2016 - 09:33 AM

    A father watched his daughter playing in the garden. He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and innocent his little girl was.

    Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground. He went over to her and noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.

    "Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" she asked.

    "They're mating," her father replied.

    "What do you call the spider on top, Daddy?" she asked.

    "That's a Daddy Longlegs," her father answered.

    "So, the other one is Mommy Longlegs?" the girl asked.

    "No," her father replied. "Both of them are Daddy Longlegs.

    "The little girl thought for a moment, then she stomped them flat and said, "Well, it might be okay in California and New York, but we're not having any of that •••• in Texas".
    ----------------------------------------
    A group of prosperous businessmen were dining at the Sam’s Hotel in Las Vegas. “Seems to me you are getting a little slimmer,” remarked one. “I should be!” replied the other. “I went on one of those high protein diets. Nothing but expensive steaks and chops. And would you believe it?-in just two weeks I lost thirty dollars!”
    ---------------------------------------
    I was walking past the mental hospital the other day and all the patients were shouting, "13...13...13..."

    The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a little gap in the planks, so I looked through to see what was going on.

    Some idiot poked me in the eye with a stick, then they all started shouting, "14...14...14..."
    -----------------------------------
    A wealthy art collector gets a call from his attorney.

    "Saul, I have some good news and I have some bad
    news."

    The art collector replied, "I've had an awful day,
    let's hear the good news first."

    The lawyer said, "Well, I met with your wife today,
    and she informed me that she invested $5,000 in
    two pictures that she thinks will bring a minimum
    of $15-20 million. I think she could be right."

    Saul replied enthusiastically, "Well done! My wife is a
    brilliant businesswoman! You've just made my day.
    Now I know I can handle the bad news. What is it?"
    The lawyer replied, "The pictures are of you and your
    secretary."

    ---------------------------------

    Joe was a steward for Fly High airlines. He watched as an older lady boarded the plane holding a dog in a cage. “Excuse me,” said Joe “dogs are not allowed on board, you have to check it in with the baggage.” The lady wasn’t happy, but Joe was an experienced steward and succeeded in convincing the lady without much of a scene. Upon arrival, Joe took a peek in the cage, and to his great surprise, saw that the dog was dead! Frantic that they may get sued, Joe quickly sent one of his underlings out to town to buy a dog that looked exactly the same. Just in the nick of time the underling arrived with the dog They quickly switched dogs and breathed a sigh of relief. “This isn’t my dog!” said the lady as soon as she saw it. “I’m sure it is” insisted Joe “I was very careful about where I put it.” “It’s not my dog” argued the lady, “you see, I was bringing my dog to my home town to have him buried, and this dog is alive!”

    -----------------------------------------------


  5. In Topic: Jacktee's Jokes

    10 August 2016 - 09:23 AM

    I came out of the chip shop with a meat and potato pie, large chips, mushy peas & a jumbo sausage. A poor homeless man sitting there said “I've not eaten for two days.” I told him “I wish I had your will power..”

    I took my Biology exam last Friday. I was asked to name two things commonly found in cells. Apparently " illegal immigrants" and "Romanian Gypos" were not the correct answers.

    A fat girl served me in McDonald's at lunch time today. She said “sorry about the wait.” I said “don't worry dear, you might lose it eventually.”



    Snow in the forecast! The TV weather girl said she was expecting 8 inches tonight. I thought to myself, fat chance with a face like that!

    Japanese scientists have created a camera with such an immensely fast shutter speed that it is now possible to take a photograph of a woman with her mouth shut.

    I hate all this terrorist business. I used to love the days when you > could look at an unattended bag on a train or bus and think to yourself ....... I'm going to have that.

    Man in a hot air balloon is lost over Ireland . He looks down and sees a farmer in the fields and shouts down to him “Where am I ?” The Irish farmer looks back up and shouts back. "You can't fool me, you're in that basket up there."

    A woman has a medical at the Doctors; “you are grossly overweight” he says. ”I want a 2nd opinion”, she exclaimed ” OK- you're bloody ugly as well

    A government survey has shown that 91% of illegal immigrants come to Britain so that they can see their own doctor

    Two Thai girls asked me if I'd like to go bed with them, they said it would be just like winning the lottery! I agreed, and they were right.. We all stripped off and to my horror, we had six matching balls!

    An immigrant has died whilst training to be a skydiver. The British National Party's School of Diving said they had no idea why his snorkel and flippers did not open.

    Such an unfair world:- When a man talks dirty to a woman its considered sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man its £2.50 a minute (charges may vary).

    Just booked a table for Valentine's Day for me and the wife. Bound to end in tears though; she's crap at snooker.

    Got a new Jack Russell pup today, he's mainly black and brown with just a small white area. I've called him Bradford.

    If you get an email telling you that you can catch swine 'flu from tins of ham then delete it. It's spam.

    They say that sex is the best form of exercise. Correct me if I'm wrong but I don't think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is going to shift this beer belly.

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