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- 76 years old
- July 24, 1936
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Today, 10:02 AMLong time ago, in the land of Persia there lived a powerful king and his beautiful queen. The queen was so gorgeous that the king's ministers were obsessed and craving to seduce her.
One day, the king got an invitation to visit the King of Ethiopia and left behind his queen and his kingdom. Before leaving, he asked his three ministers to take good care of his queen and all his affairs during his absence. All three pronounced their loyalty.
That night, when the queen was deep asleep the king placed a sharp blade inside her because he didn't trust his three ministers.
The following week, the king returned and summoned his three ministers to the palace. He ordered all three to strip. To the king's surprise, two of them were penisless and the third was fine. The two unfaithful ministers were immediately executed. The king praised the third minister for his loyalty and asked him what he wished.
"Aaaah, aaaaaaaaah," he replied.
Once there was a blonde who wanted to prove to people that she wasn't just a dumb blonde. So she asked her friend "how could I show people I'm not just a dumb blonde?"
Her friend says, "First learn all the provinces and their capitals."
So that week the blonde learned them. The next week she was at a party and a man asked a question. The blonde says, "I know the anwser!"
Then the man said "What would you know? You're just a dumb blonde?"
Then the blonde says, "I'll have you know I'm not just a dumb blonde, I know all the provinces and their capitals."
Then the man said, "Okay, Saskatchewan."
The blonde started to grin.
"What are you grinning about?" said the man.
The blonde said, "Easy. S."
Grand dad was always a stubborn bugger, even when two doctors told him he only had six months to live he was determined to prove them wrong. "I’ll show ’em " he told me He shot himself after two weeks.
The girl friend and I were in bed talking about sex and the riskiest place one had done it. I told her "I once had it in the Zoo" she said "That does not sound very risky" I told her "It is if you try and have it with an Ostrich" "Ooh" she said "Bet that hurt" So I told her "Yes it does but only until you get in step"
Chinese feller goes in the Bank and changes some money, the following day he is in there again and get less Stirling for his Yen. "Yesterday I come in and get more money, why is that" he asks. the Bank clerk says "Fluctuations" The Chinamen says "And Fluck you Blitish too"
We had a Band some years ago called "Missing Cat"
you might have seen our name on Posters.
20 May 2013 - 10:58 AMGetting old in FLORIDA:
Two elderly ladies are sitting on the front porch in Longboat Key, doing nothing.
One lady turns and asks, 'Do you still get horny?'
The other replies, 'Oh sure I do.'
The first old lady asks, 'What do you do about it?'
The second old lady replies, 'I suck a lifesaver.'
After a few moments, the first old lady asks,
'Who takes you to the beach?'
Three old ladies were sitting side by side in their retirement home in Anna Maria Island reminiscing.
The first lady recalled shopping at the green grocers and demonstrated with her hands, the length and thickness of a cucumber she could buy for a penny.
The second old lady nodded, adding that onions used to be
Much bigger and cheaper also, and demonstrated the size of two
Big onions she could buy for a penny a piece.
The third old lady remarked, 'I can't hear a word you're saying,
But I remember the man you're talking about.
A little old lady was sitting on a park bench in The Villages, a Florida Adult community.
A man walked over and sits down on the other end of the bench.
After a few moments, the woman asks, 'Are you a stranger here?'
He replies, 'I lived here years ago.'
'So, where were you all these years?'
'In prison,' he says.
'Why did they put you in prison?'
He looked at her, and very quietly said, 'I killed my wife.'
'Oh!' said the woman. 'So you're single...?!'
Two elderly people living in Lido Beach, he was a widower and she a widow,
Had known each other for a number of years.
One evening there was a community supper in the Clubhouse.
The two were at the same table, sat across from one another.
As the meal went on, he took a few admiring glances at her and finally
Gathered the courage to ask her, 'Will you marry me?'
After about six seconds of 'careful consideration,' she answered 'Yes. Yes, I will!'
The meal ended and, with a few more pleasant exchanges, they went to their respective homes.
Next morning, he was troubled. 'Did she say 'yes' or did she say 'no'?'
He couldn't remember. Try as he might, he just could not recall.
Not even a faint memory.
With trepidation, he went to the telephone and called her.
First, he explained that he didn't remember as well as he used to. Then he reviewed
The lovely evening past. As he gained a little more courage, he inquired,
'When I asked if you would marry me, did you say 'Yes' or did you say 'No'?'
He was delighted to hear her say, 'Why, I said, 'Yes, yes I will' and I meant it with all my heart.
Then she continued, 'And I am so glad that you called, because I couldn't remember
Who had asked me.'
A man was telling his neighbor in Port Charlotte,
'I just bought a new hearing aid.
It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect.'
'Really,' answered the neighbor. 'What kind is it?'
A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor in Bonita Springs ,
And pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.
After catching his breath he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'
'No,' he replied, 'hemorrhoids
19 May 2013 - 09:02 AMA World War II Royal Air Force pilot is reminiscing before school children about his days in the air force.
"In 1942," he says, "the situation was really tough. The Germans had a very strong air force. I remember, " he continues, "one day I was protecting the bombers and suddenly, out of the clouds, these fokkers appeared.
(At this point, several of the children giggle.)
"I looked up, and right above me was one of them. I aimed at him and shot him down.
They were swarming. I immediately realized that there was another fokker behind me."
At this instant the girls in the auditorium start to giggle and boys start to laugh.
The teacher stands up and says, "I think I should point out that 'Fokker' was the name of the German-Dutch aircraft company."
"That's true," says the pilot, "but as it happens these fokkers were flying Messerschmitt Me109's."
17 May 2013 - 08:17 AM"HOW DID IT HAPPEN?" the doctor asked the middle-aged farmhand as he set the man's broken leg.
"Well, doc, 25 years ago ..."
"Never mind the past. Tell me how you broke your leg this morning."
"Like I was saying...25 years ago, when I first started working on the farm, that night, right after I'd gone to bed, the farmer's beautiful daughter came into my room. She asked me if there was anything I wanted.
I said, 'No, everything is fine.'
'Are you sure?' she asked.
'I'm sure,' I said.
'Isn't there anything I can do for you?' she wanted to know. 'I reckon not,' I replied."
"Excuse me," said the doctor, "What does this story have to do with your leg?"
"Well, this morning," the farmhand explained, "when it dawned on me what she meant, I fell off the roof!"
A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, he said: "Now, students, if I stood on my head the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I should turn red in the face."
"Yes, sir," the boys said.
"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?"
A little fellow shouted, "'It's because yer feet ain't empty."
On the Prom at Blackpool I saw a sign "Palm Reading. So I went in and Gypsy Petulengo, she took hold of my hand. She looked and said "You will live to be 80" I said "I am already 80" so she said "Well there you are then, that will be £20".
Paddy was busking with his trumpet and a women came over. "That sounds wonderful and I see you have no sheet music, do you always play by ear?."
Paddy replied "No, sometimes I play over there"
I helped this fit bird with her shopping after a her stiletto heel on her shoe broke. When I carried it into her flat she said "How ever can I repay you ?"
I just shuffled my feet so she said "How do you fancy some sex upstairs ?" I said Yes please"
She pointed up the steps and said " Off you go, Grannys in the room on the left and has not had any for years"
A blonde calls a pharmacy and asks if she needs an infant scale to weigh a baby. The clerk explains that many women figure out an infant's weight by weighing themselves while holding the baby on an adult scale, then the mother weighs herself alone and subtracts the second amount from the first.
"Oh, that won't work," replies the blonde. "I'm not the mother -- I'm the aunt."
Officers from operation Yewtree yesterday attempted to arrest the whole cast of "Rainbow" in a dawn raid on the studio. The brown bear escaped and police have admitted "This was a Bungled operation"
Its so cold down here in the West country that the East Europeans have got their hands in their own pockets today.
My Pal Scouse went for an Interview for a job today and I waited for him in the pub. He came back with a long face and I asked him how did it go ?. He said "Well the Interview was O.K. and things seemed to be going well for me, then all at once things went downhill and I really am gutted, They want me to start on Monday"
I have been out of graft for 6 months and nothing on the go so I decided to update my C.V. I put "Limited vocabulary and Heavy Asian accent"
Guess what !! I have been offered three jobs at Call centres.
The Housing shortage is so bad in Liverpool that the likely lads are putting Alloy wheels on cars to get back the bricks.
A quiet, polite man owns a disgusting, foul mouthed parrot.
One day, it gets to be too much, so the man locks the bird in a kitchen cabinet. When the man finally lets him out, the bird cuts loose with a stream of vulgarities, so the man puts the bird into the freezer.
After a few seconds of clawing and thrashing, it suddenly gets VERY quiet.
The man opens the freezer door. The bird calmly climbs onto the man's outstretched arm and says, "I'm very sorry. I promise I'll never curse again."
The man is astonished. Then the parrot says, "By the way, what did the chicken do?"
15 May 2013 - 08:27 AMMy gay mate who is dyslexic, cant wait for February 14th. he thinks its Vaseline day.
People should lay off Lance Armstrong I think what he achieved was amazing... When I was on drugs I couldn't even find my bike!
After seeing the Swansea ball boy keep possession of the ball for more than 10 seconds Aston Villa have made a bid of £20 million for him.
My slow witted mate got sacked from his job at B&Q for knocking out an African woman. I think he needed more training when instructed to 'go and find a Black and Decker'!!
Just watched the Lance Armstrong interview. He lied to us so much and for so long I'm starting to doubt he landed on the moon at all.
The Government has passed a new bill in parliament. Now gay men looking for a partner are entitled to more money. Its called the 'Knobseekers allowance'!
Bradford city have announced that cup final ticket prices will start at 60 Rupees each and are limited to 40 per household.
After the horsemeat scare an old Irish Lady called Tesco's customer services and complained her Risotto has gorilla in it. The matter was quickly resolved when the assistant explained the photo on the box was Ainsley Harriot.
I called in sick today and told the manager 'the doctor says I have anal blindness. 'What is that he asked' I said I cant see my ass coming into work today.
Im starting to take this drink driving thing seriously now . Left the car in the pub car park last night & took the bus home. Quite proud of myself really I've never driven a bus before.
My mate Paddy rang me and said he's just got this bargain coat from House of Frazer. Originally it was £400 but he got it for just £25. He said it was supposed to be slightly imperfect but he's had a look all over and the only thing he can find is one sleeve slightly longer than the other two!
Paddy is sitting on a train across from a busty blonde wearing a tiny
mini skirt. Despite his efforts, he is unable to stop staring at the top
of her thighs.
To his delight, he realises she has gone without underwear.
The blonde realises he is staring and inquires, "Are you
looking at my vagina?"
"Yes, I'm sorry," Paddy replies and promises to avert his eyes.
"It's quite all right," replies the woman, "It's very talented, watch this, I'll
make it blow a kiss to you." Sure enough the vagina blows him a kiss.
Paddy, who is completely absorbed, inquires what else the wonder
vagina can do. "I can also make it wink," says the woman. Paddy stares
in amazement as the vagina winks at him.
"Come and sit next to me," suggests the woman, patting the seat.
Paddy moves over and she smiles and asks, "Would you like to stick a
couple of fingers in?"
Stunned, Paddy replies, "You're kidding—you mean it can whistle, too?”
1. The sport of choice for the urban poor is BASKETBALL.
2. The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is BOWLING.
3. The sport of choice for front-line workers is FOOTBALL.
4. The sport of choice for supervisors is BASEBALL.
5. The sport of choice for middle management is TENNIS.
6. The sport of choice for corporate executives and officers is GOLF.
THE AMAZING CONCLUSION:
The higher you go in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls become.
There must be a boat load of people in Westminster playing MARBLES.
Don't eat turkey sandwiches, no matter what
A little boy and a little girl attended the same school and became
friends. Every day they would sit together to eat their lunch. They
discovered that they both brought turkey sandwiches every day! This
went on all through the fourth and fifth grades, until one day he
noticed that her sandwich wasn't a turkey sandwich.
He said, Hey, how come you're not eating turkey, don't you like it
She said I love it but I have to stop eating it.
'Why he asked.
She pointed to her lap and said 'Cause I'm starting to grow little
feathers down there!'
'Let me see' he said.
'Okay' and she showed him. He looked and said, That's right. You
are Better not eat any more turkey
He kept eating his turkey sandwiches until one day he brought a peanut
butter sandwich instead. He said to the little girl,
I have to stop eating turkey sandwiches, I'm starting to get feathers
down there too!' She asked if she could look, so he showed her!
She said, 'Oh, my God, it's too late for you!
You've already got the NECK and Giblets
WORLD SURVEY BY PHONE
Last month a world-wide telephone survey was conducted by the UN.
The only question asked was:
"Could you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food
shortage in the rest of the world?"
The survey was a massive failure because of the following:
1. In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant.
2. In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant.
3. In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.
4. In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant.
5. In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant.
6. In South America they didn't know what "please" meant.
7. In the USA they didn't know what was "the rest of the world".
8. In the UK they hung up as soon as they heard the Indian accent.