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Member Title:
Litre Club
Age:
78 years old
Birthday:
July 24, 1936
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Male Male

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jacktee   -----


Posts I've Made

  1. In Topic: Jacktee's Jokes

    19 May 2015 - 08:55 AM

    ANGER MANAGEMENT THAT REALLY WORKS
    When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it
    out on someone, don’t take it out on someone you know, take it out on
    someone you don’t know.
    I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I’d forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered, saying "Hello." I politely said, "This is Chris. May I please speak with Robyn Carter?"
    Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear "Get the right flaming number you idiot!" and the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn’t believe that anyone could be so rude. When I tracked down Robyn’s correct number to call her, I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits.

    After finishing my call to her, I decided to call the ’wrong’ number again.
    When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled "You’re an arsehole!" and
    hung up. I wrote his number down with the word ’arsehole’ next to it, and
    put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or
    had a really bad day, I’d call him up and yell, "You’re an arsehole!" It
    always cheered me up.

    When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic ’arsehole’ calling
    would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, "Hi, this is John Smith from Telstra. I’m calling to see if you’re familiar with our Caller ID Program?"

    He yelled "NO!" and slammed down the phone.
    I quickly called him back and said, "That’s because you’re an arsehole!"

    One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot. Some
    guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently
    waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I’d been waiting for that spot,
    but the idiot ignored me. I noticed a ’For Sale’ sign in his back window, so
    I wrote down his phone number.

    A couple of days later, right after calling the first arsehole (I had his
    number on speed dial) I thought that I’d better call the BMW arsehole, too.
    I said, "Is that the man with the black BMW for sale?" "Yes, it is", he said.
    "Can you tell me where I can see it?" I asked.

    "Yes, I live at 34 Mowbray Blvd, in Vaucluse. It’s a yellow house, and the
    car’s parked right out in front.""What’s your name?" I asked."Don Hansen," he said. "When’s a good time to catch you, Don?"
    "I’m home every evening after five."

    "Listen, Don, can I tell you something?""Yes?""Don, you’re an arsehole!"
    Then I hung up and added his number to my speed dial too. Now, when I had a bad day, I had two arseholes to call. Then Icame up with an idea. I called Arsehole #1.
    "Hello."
    "You’re an arsehole!" (But I didn’t hang up.)
    "Are you still there?" he asked.
    "Yeah," I said. "Stop calling me," he screamed.
    "Make me," I said.
    "Who are you?" he asked.
    "My name is Don Hansen."

    "Yeah? Where do you live?"
    "Arsehole, I live at 34 Mowbray Blvd, Vaucluse, a yellow house, with my
    black Beamer parked in front."
    He said, "I’m coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying
    your prayers."
    I said, "Yeah, like I’m really scared, arsehole," and hung up.

    Then I called Arsehole #2. "Hello?" he said.
    "Hello, arsehole," I said. He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are..."
    "You’ll what?" I said.
    "I’ll kick your arse," he exclaimed.

    I answered, "Well, arsehole, here’s your chance. I’m coming over right now."
    Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 34
    Mowbray Blvd, Vaucluse and that my gay lover was on his way to come and
    kill me. Then I called Channel 9 News about the gang war going down in
    Mowbray Blvd, Vaucluse.
    I quickly got into my car and headed over to Mowbray. I got there just in time to watch two arseholes beating the crapout of each other in front of six cop cars, an overhead police helicopterand a news crew.

    NOW I feel much better. Anger management really works
  2. In Topic: Jacktee's Jokes

    18 May 2015 - 10:10 AM

    British humour: absolutely politically incorrect! .........................................................................................
    It has been announced that the police are going to be allowed to use water cannons on rioters. They are putting some in Persil washing powder to stop the coloureds from running.

    --------------------------------------------------------

    Following the riots in Tottenham, it's important to remind ourselves that not all black people are stereotypical liars, thieves and arsonists. Many are drug dealers.
    -------------------------------------------------------------------------
    Riots in Birmingham last month caused over £1 million worth of improvements
    -------------------------------------------------------------------------

    -------------------------------------------------------------------------
    They've had to cancel the pantomime 'Jack & the Beanstalk' in Birmingham, Bristol, Oldham, Bradford, Burnley, Leicester, Manchester and London. Apparently the giant couldn't smell any Englishmen.
    -------------------------------------------------------------------------
    ============================================
    During last night's high winds an African family were killed by a falling tree.
    A spokesman for the Birmingham City council said "We didn't even know they were living up there".
    =============================================
    Jamaican minorities in the UK have complained that there are not enough television shows with minorities in mind, so Crimewatch is being shown 5 times a week now.
    =============================================
    I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pick pocketed.
    How could anyone stoop so low.
    =============================================
    I was walking down the road when I saw an Afghan bloke standing on a fifth floor balcony, shaking a carpet.
    I shouted up to him, "What's up Abdul, won't it start?"
    =============================================
  3. In Topic: Jacktee's Jokes

    15 May 2015 - 08:46 AM

    An old lady, a difficult independent, use to sit on a bench in a park to feed the pigeons.

    One day, she brought with her a whole bun of fresh bread just to feed her daily company. Little by little, pinch by pinch, she fed each pigeon with joy.

    Then suddenly a man in his early 40s, who was watching her from a distance, came near her and told her that she shouldn’t throw away good food on a bunch of pigeons that can find food anywhere when there are a lot of people starving in Africa.

    The old lady said in crazed anger and without hesitation, "Well, I can’t throw that far!"
    --------------------------------------------

    Two boys were arguing when the teacher entered the room. The teacher says, "Why are you arguing?" One boy answers, "We found a ten dollar bill and decided to give it to whoever tells the biggest lie." "You should be ashamed of yourselves," said the teacher, "When I was your age I didn't even know what a lie was." The boys gave the ten dollars to the teacher.
    ------------------------------------
    Three dead men go to hell at the same time. There is a white man, a Chinese man, and a Mexican man. Satan tells them that they can only leave hell if he can't do what they ask. The white man asks for the fastest sports car in the world; he goes into hell. The Chinese man asks for the most advanced computer in the world; he goes into hell. The Mexican man gets a glass soda bottle, farts into it, closes the lid, pokes many holes in the lid, and asks Satan which hole the fart came from. After pointing to every hole on the lid, the Mexican turns around, points at his butt hole, and says, "Nope, this one."
    -------------------------------------
    A mentally challenged man walks up to this guy and asks, "Can you help me? I'm trying to spell the word 'orange.'" The guy responds, "What a retard, didn't your mom teach you?" The man answers, "No." "Ever?" says the guy. "No," responds the mentally challenged man. The guy responds, "Okay, which one are you trying to spell, the color or the fruit?"
    -----------------------------------------
    Paddy was stood at the Bar with the rest of the Boyo’s and the talk turned to Boxing. Paddy said "I did a bit of boxing when I was younger, in fact I sparred a couple o times with George Foreman" this drew some admiring looks and gasps from the crowd at the bar.
    Mick said "YOU sparred with George Foreman ?"
    Paddy said "Oh Yes in fact George the Foreman at the Asda Warehouse in Dublin broke my nose when we were sparring."
    ------------------------------------------
    I could not afford to take the kids to Sea World as promised so I took them to Billingsgate Fish Market and said " Now children you must be very quiet Shhhh they are all asleep"
    ................................................
    Mick was drinking in Paddy’s Bar when Paddy confided in him "I am not making any money here so I am thinking of turning it into a Brothel" Mick said "Look Paddy, if you cant make money selling Beer how will you make any money selling Soup?"
    .......................................................


    My new Thai girlfriend say that a small p.... shouldn’t be a problem in a loving relationship

    I still wish that she didn’t have one at all
    ------------------------------------------------------
    I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the biggest p,,,, she had ever laid her hands on. I said"You’re pulling my leg."
    --------------------------------------------
    I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the pavement! At least I presume she was poor - she only had £1.20 in her purse.
    --------------------------------------------------

    My girlfriend thinks that I’m a stalker. Well, she’s not exactly my girlfriend yet.
    ----------------------------------------------
    Went for my routine check up today and everything seemed to be going fine until he stuck his index finger up my backside! Do you think I should change dentists?
    ---------------------------------------------
    A wife says to her husband you’re always pushing me around and talking behind my back. He says what do you expect? You’re in a wheel chair.
    -----------------------------------------------
    I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said she would like to come back as a cow. I said, "You’re obviously not listening".
    -------------------------------------------------
  4. In Topic: Jacktee's Jokes

    13 May 2015 - 08:27 AM

    Wise Jewish Grandfather.

    Hymie is in his 90 year and seems to be fading fast. his two sons Benny and Frankie have a chat between themselves and decide to find where he keeps his money "We may as well have it rather than some stranger might come in and take it" says Benny.
    the following morning the old man seems worse so they search the house and the bedroom, Nothing.
    The following day the local Rabbi come to give Hymie his blessing and shakes is head as he leaves.
    The brothers now are desperate and decide to ask their Father " Father where is all your money" after they keep asking Hymie raises himself up on the pillow and point two fingers down. the brothers rip up the carpet, Nothing, so then the floorboards Nothing. the following day Hymie is so weak he can only take a little chicken soup. Frankie kneels by the bed and he speaks into his fathers ear "Father you told us the money was down, where exactly?" Hymie again points his two fingers in a downward direction.
    "He means Its in the kitchen" says Benny and they rush down stairs and rip out all the units and appliances, Nothing. "Maybe he means the ceiling and they rip off all the plaster from the kitchen ceiling, Nothing.
    Strangely enough Hymie start s to make a remarkable recovery and soon is back in the family business with the two sons back working in the factory.
    Still burning about the not being able to find his money they decide to ask their Father, so that evening over dinner Benny says "Father tell me something, when you were at deaths door and even Rabbi Burns had given up on you, when we asked where you kept your money you pointed a couple of fingers downwards, where exactly did you mean ?"

    Hymie looked at them both and said "I was pointing two fingers downwards because I was too weak to point then up at you, LIKE THIS"
  5. In Topic: Jacktee's Jokes

    12 May 2015 - 07:56 AM

    A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this:

    Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest.

    The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse- sized tazer.

    The effects of the tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....??

    WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button.
    Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the
    prongs.

    AWESOME!!!

    Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

    Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right?

    There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.

    I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and then thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

    So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and tazer in another.

    The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms
    and a major loss of bodily control; and a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of
    water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

    All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference (loaded with two itsy, bitsy
    AAA batteries); pretty cute really, and thinking to myself, 'No possible way!'

    What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best .....

    I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side so as to say, 'Don't do it stupid,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny lil ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I
    decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and ...

    HOLY MOTHER OF GOD .... . WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . . WHAT THE ....!!!

    I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs!

    The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

    Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a tazer, one note of caution: there is NO such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor! A three second burst would be considered conservative!

    A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape.

    My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still
    twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling.

    Apparently I had crapped in my shorts, but was too numb to know for sure, and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above
    my head, which I believe came from my hair. I'm still looking for my testicles and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!

    P.S... My wife can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift and now regularly threatens me with it!

    If you think education is difficult, try being stupid !!!

    ONLY A MAN WOULD ATTEMPT THIS!

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