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Litre Club
Age:
78 years old
Birthday:
July 24, 1936
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jacktee   -----


Posts I've Made

  1. In Topic: Jacktee's Jokes

    Yesterday, 08:17 AM

    A doctor got a phone call from one of his colleagues. “We need a fourth for poker,” the voice on the phone said. “I’ll be right over,” replied the doctor. As he was putting on his overcoat, his wife asked, “Is it serious?” “Oh yes, quite serious,” he said gravely. “They've had to call in three other doctors as well.”
    -----------------------------------
    The Redcaps are chasing a deserter and is almost out of breath and his pace is getting slower, a Nun stood at the bus stop says "Quick son hide under my skirts"
    shortly after the M.P.s stop and ask the Nun if she has seen anyone running. she tells them that a man in Khaki just jumped in to a Taxi. they run off and after a while the man comes out. he thanks her and says "I hope you don’t mind me saying so Sister but under there I could see a lovely pair of legs" Sister says "If you had looked a bit closer you would have seen a pair od Bol..x you see I am a deserter too.
    -----------------------------------
    Paddy was ever so proud of his job in the British Railways lost property office. one day in a panic a man rang up and said "I am a keeper from Whip snade Zoo and today we have lost an Octopus on the London train, as anyone handed or brought it in. ?" Paddy says "What colour was it"
    -----------------------------
    Mick and Paddy were fishing Lough Ennell near Mullingar when Mick pulled out a cigar.
    As he had no matches, he asked Paddy for a light.
    "Sure, I believe I have a lighter somewhere." said Paddy.
    He reached into his tackle box and pulled out a 10 inch long Bic Lighter.’My God, man!’ said Mick, taking the huge Bic lighter in his hands. ’Where’d you get this monster?’
    ’Well,’ replied Paddy, ’I got it from my Genie.’
    ’You have a fecking Genie?’ Mick asked.
    ’Man, I have. He’s right here in my tackle box,’ says Paddy.
    ’Could I see him, Paddy?’
    Paddy opens his tackle box and sure enough out pops the Genie Addressing the Genie, Mick says, ’Hey, Big Lad! I’m a good pal of your master.
    Will you grant me one wish?’
    ’Yes, I will,’ says the Genie.
    So Mick asks the Genie for a million bucks. The Genie disappears back into the tackle box leaving Mick sitting there waiting for his million bucks.Shortly, the sky darkens and is filled with the sound of a million ducks flying directly overhead.

    Over the roar of the one million ducks Mick yells at Paddy, ’Fecking Hell, Paddy. I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks!’
    ’Sorry, Mick, I forgot to tell you - he’s very hard of hearing.
    Did you really think I asked for a 10 inch Bic?’
    -------------------------------------
    A farmer and his wife had just waken up one morning to the crowing of their rooster. While still in bed, the farmer's wife says, "Pa, you know our neighbor Mr. Jones?"
    "Yes Ma, I reckon I do," replied the sleepy farmer.
    "Well, every morning before he leaves the house for work, he gives his wife a big ol' kiss. Why don't you ever do that?"
    The farmer sighed and said, "Well, I reckon I can, but I just don't know her very well."
    -----------------------------------
    Prince Charles is on an official visit to Iran and asks the President "Where’s the Shah ?. the President says There’s no Shah, we got rid of the Shah years ago" Prince Charles says " What a shame but in that case i’ll have a Baarth"
    ...........................................

    Prince Charles was opening a factory in Walsall and he arrived wearing a large furry hat. the Mayor welcomed him, showed him the factory and afterwards took him back to the Mansion house for a banquet. The Mayors curiosity finally got the better of him and he asked what was the idea of wearing such strange headgear. Charles said " Well I told the Queen that I was coming to Walsall and Mummy said "Walsall Wear the Fox hat"
    ------------------------------
    A newsboy was standing on the corner with a stack of papers, yelling, "Read all about it; Fifty people swindled!” Fifty people swindled! Curios, a man walked over, bought a paper, and said, "Hey kid, this is an old paper, where’s the story about the big swindle?” The newsboy ignored him and went on calling out, "read all about it; Fifty-one people swindled!”
    -------------------------------------
  2. In Topic: Jacktee's Jokes

    17 September 2014 - 09:06 AM

    Mr. and Mrs. Thorne had just reached the airport in the nick of time to catch the plane for their two-week's vacation in Majorca. "I wish we'd brought the piano with us," said Mr. Thorne. "What on earth for?" asked his wife.
    "I've left the tickets on it."
    ---------------------------------------
    Siamese twins walk into a bar in Canada and park themselves on a bar stool.

    One of them says to the bartender, "Don’t mind us, we’re joined at the hip. I’m John, and he’s Jim.
    Two Molson Canadian beers, draft please,"

    The bartender, feeling slightly awkward, tries to make polite conversation while pouring the beers.
    "Been on holiday yet lads?"

    "Off to England next month". says John. "We go to England every year, rent a car ans drive for miles. Don’t we , jim?" Jim agrees.

    "Ah, England!" says the bartender. 2wonderful country.. the history, the beer, the culture...."

    "Nah, we don’t like that British crap," says John. Hamburgers and Molson’s beer, that’s us, eh Jim and we can’t stand the English- they’re so arrogant and rude."

    "So why keep going to England?" asks the bartender.

    "Its the only chance Jim gets to drive.
    ---------------------------------
    Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid.
    If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.
    ----------------------------
    The cashier told me “Strip down, facing me.”
    .How was I to know she meant my debit card?
    -------------------------------------
    A teacher asked her third grade class to name things that ended with
    “tor” that ate things.
    The first little boy dale said, "Alligator."
    "Very good dale, that’s a big word."
    The second boy wayne said, "Predator."
    “ Yes, that’s another big word wayne. Very well done."
    When johnny was asked he said, "Vibrator."
    After nearly falling off her chair, she says, "That is a big word
    Johnny, but it doesn’t eat anything."
    “ Well my mother has one and she says it eats f--king batteries like
    there’s no tomorrow!"
    ------------------------------------
    Just started watching female beach volleyball on TV and there’s already a wrist injury....
    But I should be alright by tomorrow.
    --------------------------------
    Bills wife likes sticking her breasts in his face, then asking for something really expensive.
    She inevitably gets what she wants! Is this what’s known as a booby trap!
    -------------------------------

    Karen lost her husband almost four years ago and still hasn’t got out of her mourning stage. Her daughter is constantly calling her and urging her to get back into the world. Finally, Karen says she’ll go out but says she doesn’t know anyone. Her daughter immediately replies, "Mum! I have someone for you to meet."
    Well, they hit it off immediately and, after dating for six weeks, he asked her to join him for a weekend in the countryside.
    Their first night away, she undresses as he does. There she stands, nude except for a pair of black lacy panties, he in his birthday suit.
    Looking at her, he asks, "Why the black panties?"
    She replies, "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore but, down there, I am still in mourning."
    He knows he’s not getting lucky that night.
    The following night, the same scenario. She’s standing there with the black panties on, and he is in his birthday suit... except that he is wearing a black condom.
    She looks at him and asks, "Why are you wearing a black condom?"
    He replies, "I want to offer my deepest condolences."
    --------------------------------

    A little boy about 12 years old is walking down the street dragging a flattened frog on a string behind him. He came up to the doorstep of ’a house of ill repute’ and knocked on the door.
    When the Madam answered it, she saw the little boy and asked what he wanted.
    He said, ’I want to have sex with one of the women inside. I have the money to buy it, and I’m not leaving until I get it.
    The Madam figured, why not, so she told him to come in. Once in, she told him to pick any of the girls he liked. He asked, ’Do any of the girls have any diseases?’
    Of course the Madam said ’No’. The boy said, ’I heard all the men talking about having to get shots after making love with Amber - THAT’S the girl I want.’
    Since the little boy was so adamant and had the money to pay for it, the Madam told him to go to the first room on the right.
    He headed down the hall dragging the squashed frog behind him. Ten minutes later he came back, still dragging the frog, paid the Madam, and headed out the door.
    The Madam stopped him and asked, ’Why did you pick the only girl in the place with a disease, instead of one of the others?’
    He said, ’Well, if you must know, tonight when I get home, my parents are going out to a restaurant to eat, leaving me at home with a baby-sitter.
    After they leave, my baby-sitter will have sex with me because she just happens to be very fond of cute little boys. She will then get the disease that I just caught.
    When Mum and Dad get back, Dad will take the baby-sitter home. On the way, he’ll give her one in the car and he’ll catch the disease.
    Then when Dad gets home from the baby-sitter’s, he and Mum will go to bed and have sex, and Mum will catch it.
    In the morning when Dad goes to work, the Milkman will deliver the milk, have a quickie with Mum and catch the disease, and HE’S the bugger who ran over my FROG!’
    ---------------------------------------
  3. In Topic: Jacktee's Jokes

    15 September 2014 - 09:59 AM

    A Japanese couple is having an argument over ways of performing highly erotic sex:

    Husband: Sukitaki.
    Wife replies: Kowanini!
    Husband says: Toka a anji rodi roumi yakoo!
    Wife on her knees literally begging: Mimi nakoundinda tinkouji!
    Husband replies angrily: Na miaou kina tim kouji!
    I can't believe you just sat and tried to read this. As if you understand Japanese!
    Unbelievable! Some people will read anything as long as it is about sex.
    -----------------------------
    A voice on the office loudspeaker announced: "We will be testing the speaker system to make sure it will work properly in case of emergency."
    All our confidence in this safety precaution faded when the voice added: "If you are unable to hear this announcement, please contact us."
    ---------------------------------
    Murphy walks into Paddy’s office and asks "Can I use your Dictaphone please ?" Paddy says "No use your finger like everyone else"
    .........................................

    The Queen was in Glasgow and she bumped into Alex Salmond.
    HMtQ: How nice to see you Mr Salmond.
    AS: Nice to see you Ma’am. Now, what are we going to call Scotland when we win Independence? How about calling it a Kingdom, and then I’ll be a King?
    HMtQ: No, we don’t like that.
    AS: Empire, and I’ll be Emperor?
    HMtQ: No.
    AS: Alright, so how about calling it a Principality, and then I’ll be a Prince?
    HMtQ: No Mr Salmond, I suggest we call it a Country and you can just carry on as you are.
    -----------------------------------------------

    I caught my wife in bed with my best mate. She was beside herself.
    "It’s OK," I said. "I know I’ve been neglecting you. We can talk about this: there’s no reason it should ruin our relationship."
    "Oh, thank you!" she said. "I don’t know why I did it."
    "Shut up," I wasn’t talking to you."!!
    -----------------------------------
    Some people say the greatest feeling in the world is seeing your first born child for the first time.
    Those people have clearly never had two kit-kats come out of a vending machine when you only paid for one
    -------------------------------------------
    A guide was showing Niagara-Falls to a man from Texas and said; I’ll bet you don’t have anything like this in Texas.
    The Texan said; nope, but in Texas we have plumbers who can fix it.
    ---------------------------------------
    The Church Dinner.

    A group of friends from Cotton Wood Church wanted a get together on a regular bases to socialize and play games.
    The lady of the house was to prepare the meal. When it came time for Al and Jean to be the hosts, Jean wanted to outdo all the others.

    She decided to have mushroom-smothered steak, but mushrooms are expensive.
    he then told her, "No mushrooms. They are too high.
    He said, "Why don’t you go down in the pasture and pick some of those mushrooms? There are plenty in the creek bed."
    She said, "No, some wild mushrooms are poison."
    He said, "Well, I see varmints eating them and they’re OK"

    So Jean decided to give it a try.

    She picked a bunch, washed, sliced, and diced them for her smothered steak. Then she went out on the back porch and gave OL Spot, the yard dog, a double handful.
    OL Spot ate every bite.
    All morning long, Jean watched OL Spot and the wild mushrooms didn’t seem to affect him, so she decided to use them.

    The meal was a great success, and Jean even hired a helper lady from town to help her serve.
    After everyone had finished, they relaxed, socialized, and played 42 and dominoes.
    About then, the helper lady came in and whispered in Jean’s ear. She said, "Mrs Williams, OL spot is dead" Jean went into hysterics.

    After she finally calmed down, she called the doctor and told him what had happened, "The doctor said "That’s bad but I think we can take care of it I will call an ambulance and I will be there as quickly as possible.

    The doctor arrived and said, "We’ll give everyone enemas and we will pump out everones stomach.
    Everything will be fine. Just keep calm", soon they could hear the siren as the ambulance was coming down the road.

    The EMTs and the doctor had their suitcases, syringes, and stomach pump.
    One by one, they took each person into the bathroom, and gave them an enema, and pumped out their stomach.
    The scene was not pretty.

    After the last one was finished, the doctor came out and said, "I think everything will be fine now". and left.
    They were all looking pretty weak sitting around the living room and about this time the lady helper came in and whispered to Jean,

    "You know, the guy who ran over OL Spot never even stopped."
    ---------------------------
  4. In Topic: Jacktee's Jokes

    12 September 2014 - 08:27 AM

    Jock met this most beautiful girl and when she said he could come home for the night with her he immediately went out and haled a Taxi, he was really knocked out by her good looks and on the way home he could hardly keep his eyes on the Meter.
    ....................

    A man goes to the Pet shop and asks for an unusual pet. the shopkeeper sells him a Jewish talking dog.
    On the way home the dog talks about the weather, the economy and tells him jokes. he calls in the pub and says "I bet you £5. this dog can talk." they queue up with their fivers and after an hour the dog has said nothing, the man has to pay up. on the way home the dog is talking fine " Why did you not speak in the Pub, you have cost me £60."
    The dog shrugs its shoulders "Where’s your brains ? just think of the odds you will get tomorrow"
    ................................................

    In the heart of Israel archeologists unearth a skeleton over 2000 years old. after forensic testing they announced that that the skeleton was of an Arab and that he had been murdered, his skull was fractured in four places. they said that in his hand was a piece of Parchment and when it was translated it read "500 Dinares David to beat Goliath"
    .............................................
    A man was walking down the street when he notices a little boy trying to ring the doorbell but it's just out of his reach. he watches his efforts for some time and walks over to press the bell. After he pressed it he leveled down to the boy and asked' "Now what?" to which the boy turned and shouted, "NOW WE RUN!!"
    ----------------------------------
    Paddy and Murphy were in the Bar and watching the T.V. news. "Today Three Cliff walkers fell to their death on a mountain in Norway" Paddy said to Murphy "You know Dat s amazing, three fellers killed on the same day all with the same name"

    ....................................................
    In a "Sky at Night" lesson in school the teacher asks can anyone tell me the name of a Star with a long tail ? Paddy junior says " Pluto Miss" the teacher says No Pluto is a small Planet Paddy, try again. "O.K. Miss what about Mickey Mouse ?"
    ....................................................

    Didn’t you suspect burglars had been in the house when you saw all the drawers pulled out and the contents scattered all over the floor?” asked the policeman.
    “No, I just thought my husband had been looking for a clean shirt,” said the wife
    -----------------------------
    A man hasn't been feeling well, so he goes to his doctor for a complete checkup. Afterward, the doctor comes out with the results.
    "I'm afraid I have some very bad news," the doctor says. "You're dying, and you don't have much time left."
    "Oh, that's terrible!" says the man. "Give it to me straight, Doc. How long have I got?"
    "Ten," the doctor says sadly.
    "Ten?" the man asks. "Ten what? Months? Weeks? What?!"
    "Nine..."
    -----------------------------------

    As my blind date walked up to my table in the restaurant last night, I looked her up and down and said, "Wow, I feel like a very lucky man."
    "Oh really?" she smiled.
    I said, "Yes, my boss just text me and said I’ve got to go back to work."
    --------------------------------

    I’ve just been to the local takeaway, and they tipped my Balti straight from the pan into the carrier bag.
    I complained to the Manager, but he said they’re not allowed to put Indians in containers anymore.
    ---------------------------------------
  5. In Topic: Jacktee's Jokes

    10 September 2014 - 08:28 AM

    Guy Posters.

    Ladies, if a man says he will fix it, He will.
    There is no need to remind him every six months.

    I heard a guy complaining about how expensive his wedding is.
    He is going to find out how much his divorse is going to cost.

    My mother-in-law is coming.
    I had to clear out my closet, so she could have a
    place to hang upside down to sleep.

    I once won an argument with a woman.....
    In this dream I had.

    I’m writing a book about reverse psychology....
    Please Don’t buy it.

    I tried to exercise, but I was allergic to it.
    My skin flushed, and my heart raced, I got sweaty
    and short of breath.
    Very dangerous.

    I want one of those jobs where people ask,
    "Do you actually get paid for doing this."

    It is funny when my girlfriend gives me the
    ’The silent treatment’
    She thinks it is a punishment.

    If there was a way to read a woman’s mind, I am
    not sure I would want to.
    I hate shoes, shopping, gossip, and I know already
    know I am annoying.

    Judging by the frying pan that just flew by my head.
    I did something wrong.
    I can’t wait to find out what it was.
    ---------------------------
    The human body has 7 trillion nerves. My husband manages to get on every bloody one of them!



    Teacher says, "OK class, I'd like you all to tell me what you need at home.
    Susie says, "We need a computer".
    Wendy says. "We need a car".
    Johnny says, "We don't need anything Miss".
    Teacher says, "Come on Johnny, everyone needs something?"
    "No Miss, my sister came home with her new Pakistani boyfriend and my Dad said 'That's all we bloody need!"

    Essex girl in bed with her boyfriend says, "How dare you call me a slapper. Get out of my bed right now and take your mates with you!

    Just seen a Dyslexic Yorkshire man wearing a cat flap!

    I said to the wife, "Get me a newspaper".
    "Don't be silly", she said. "You can borrow my iPad".
    That spider never knew what bloody hit it!

    The 200 Polish fans arrested after yesterday's game have been found guilty of violent disorder and been deported back to England !

    A big row has broken out in the Irish Olympic Synchronised Diving Team after Paddy accused Mick of copying him!

    English Stiff Upper Lip: On a train from London to Manchester , an Australian was berating the Englishman sitting across from him in the
    compartment.
    "You English are too stuffy. You set yourselves apart too much. You think your stiff upper lip makes you above the rest of us. Look at me... I'm ME!
    I have Italian blood, Greek blood, a little Irish blood, and some Aborigine blood. What do you say to that?
    The Englishman replied, "Awfully sporting of your mother, old chap!"
    ----------------------------

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