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Member Title:
Litre Club
Age:
79 years old
Birthday:
July 24, 1936
Gender:
Male Male

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jacktee   -----


Posts I've Made

  1. In Topic: Jacktee's Jokes

    24 June 2016 - 09:12 AM

    Some ladies were sitting in a park every day. One man was observing them daily as they were talking and laughing loudly. One day he observed everybody was silent. There must be some serious issue or incident that happened.So he went to a Lady and asked, "Why everybody is silent today?" The lady replied, "All Are Present Today."
    -----------------------------------------
    I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape,
    so I got my doctor's permission to
    join a fitness club and start exercising.
    I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors.
    I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But,
    by the time I got my leotards on,
    the class was over.
    -------------------------------------------
    On their wedding night, the young bride Jodie approached her new husband Marvin and asked for $20.00 for their first lovemaking encounter.
    In His highly aroused state, Marvin readily agreed. This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for more than 30 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed.
    Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find Marvin in a very drunken state. During the next few minutes, he explained that Cal Trans was going through a process of corporate downsizing, and he had been let go.
    It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find another position that paid anywhere near what he'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.
    Calmly, Jodie handed him a bank book which showed more than thirty years of steady deposits and interest totaling nearly $1 million. Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the bank which were worth over $2 million, and informed him that they were one of the largest depositors in the bank.
    She explained that for the more than three decades she had 'charged' him for sex. These holdings had multiplied and these were the results of her savings and investments.
    Faced with evidence of cash and investments worth over $3 million, Marvin was so astounded he could barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out, 'If I'd had any idea what you were doing, I would have given you all my business!'
    That's when she shot him. You know, sometimes, men just don't know when to keep their mouths shut.
    -----------------------------------------
    An engineer and a physicist are in a hot-air balloon. After a few hours they lose track of where they are and descend to get directions. They yell to a jogger, "Hey, can you tell us where we're at?" After a few moments the jogger responds, "You're in a hot-air balloon." The engineer says, "You must be a mathematician." The jogger, shocked, responds, "yeah, how did you know I was a mathematician?" "Because, it took you far too long to come up with your answer, it was 100% correct, and it was completely useless."
    ----------------------------------
    Three men, a philosopher, a mathematician and an idiot, were out riding in the car when it crashed into a tree. Before anyone knows it, the three men found themselves standing before the pearly gates of Heaven, where St. Peter and the Devil were standing nearby. "Gentlemen," the Devil started, "Due to the fact that Heaven is now overcrowded, St. Peter has agreed to limit the number of people entering Heaven. If anyone of you can ask me a question which I don't know or cannot answer, then you're worthy enough to go to Heaven; if not, then you'll come with me to Hell." The philosopher then stepped up, "OK, give me the most comprehensive report on Socrates' Socrates' teachings." With a snap of his finger, a stack of paper appeared next to the Devil. The philosopher read it and concluded it was correct. "Then, go to Hell!" With another snap of his finger, the philosopher disappeared. The mathematician then asked,"Give me the most complicated formula ever theorized!" With a snap of his finger, another stack of paper appeared next to the Devil. The mathematician read it and reluctantly agreed it was correct. "Then, go to Hell!" With another snap of his finger, the mathematician disappeared too. The idiot then stepped forward and said, "Bring me a chair!" The Devil brought forward a chair. "Drill 7 holes on the seat." The Devil did just that. The idiot then sat on the chair and let out a very loud fart. Standing up, he asked, "Which hole did my fart come out from?" The Devil inspected the seat and said,"The third hole from the right." "Wrong," said the idiot, "it's from my butt hole." And the idiot went to heaven.
    -------------------------------------------
  2. In Topic: Jacktee's Jokes

    20 June 2016 - 10:51 AM

    A guy and his wife were preparing to go to a masquerade party. Unfortunately the night of the party the wife came down with a terrible migraine.

    She told him that she didn't want to ruin his fun, so he should go ahead and go without her. She was going to take one of her headache pills and go to bed.

    A few hours later she woke up and her headache was gone. Her husband had left also. She thought, "He doesn't know what costume I am wearing. I'm going to go and check up on him."

    So she arrived at the party in her costume. She knew his. Sure enough he was dancing and flirting with all the women there. So she thought, "I'll fix him."

    She got his attention and started flirting with him. Sure enough it wasn't long before he propositioned her to go outside with him. She thought, "What the heck, he's my husband." So they went out to the parking lot and had mad, passionate sex in the car.

    She made her excuses and left early. Then went straight to bed and waited for him. When he arrived home, she coyly asked how his night had gone, fixing all the time to rip him royally.

    "Oh, you know I never really have fun at those things when you are not there, so Charlie and a couple other guys played cards in the back all night...but the guy I loaned my costume to had a helluva time."
    ----------------------------------
  3. In Topic: Jacktee's Jokes

    13 June 2016 - 11:05 AM

    After a heavy rainstorm filled all the potholes in the streets
    and alleys, a young mother watched her 2 little boys playing
    in the puddles through a window. The oldest one, a 5 year
    old, grabbed his sibling by the back of his head and shoved
    his face into the water hole. As the boy recovered and stood
    laughing and dripping, the mother runs to the yard in a panic.

    "Why on earth did you do that to your little brother?" she
    asks as she shook the older boy in anger.
    "We were just playing church mummy,' he said. " And I was
    just baptizing him . . . in the name of the father, the son and
    in. . . the hole he goes."
    -----------------------------------------
    Overheard at the bar : I told my wife,I was leaving her!
    Was she hurt?
    Yes.....
    She broke her ankle doing a CARTWHEEL
    ---------------------------
    There's a blond and a brunette in a car. The brunette is driving while the blonde is in the passenger seat. They're going down a steep hill when the brunette realizes that the brakes don't work. The brunette tells the blonde that the brakes don't work and they will drive off the side of the cliff because they failed to stop. The blonde then replies, "Don't worry! There's a stop sign ahead."
    ----------------------------------------
    An elderly lady on a cruise ship was holding her hat tight so that it would not be blown away in the wind.
    A gentleman approached her and said,
    "Pardon me, madam....your dress is blowing up in this high wind?"

    "Yes, I know. I need both my hands to hold onto this hat."
    "But madam, you must know that you are not wearing any panties and your privates are exposed!" said the gentleman in earnest.

    The woman looked down, then back up at the man and replied,
    "Sir, anything you see down there is 75 years old. I just bought this hat yesterday!"
    -------------------------------------------
    Sobeys, Gimli, Manitoba, Supermarket
    It has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh.

    Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.

    When you pass the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and there is the scent of freshly mowed hay.

    In the meat department there is the aroma of charcoal grilled steaks with onions.

    When you approach the egg case,you hear hens clucking and cackling, and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.

    The bread department features the tantalizing smell of fresh baked bread and cookies.

    I don't buy toilet paper there anymore.
    ----------------------------------------
  4. In Topic: Jacktee's Jokes

    08 June 2016 - 10:14 AM

    (Note for those unfamiliar with the British road network: 'A' roads are main, or arterial, roads and they are all identified by 'A' and a number.) An elderly man is driving his wife on a road trip around the south east of England. Shortly after getting on to the A2, a police car signals them to pull over, and the old man obliges. The police officer walks up to the driver's side and the old man winds down the window. The policeman asks him, "Is there something wrong with your car, sir?" "No. I don't think so." "Then why were you driving so slowly?" "Slowly?" "Do you have any idea what speed you were doing?" "Yes. Exactly 2 mph." "The speed limit along here is 70 mph. You can't drive that slowly. It's very dangerous." "Oh. I thought the speed limit was 2 mph, as it's the A2." "It is the A2, but the speed limit along here is 70 mph. I will let you off for now, but you need to speed up to around that speed." The old man agrees to do so. As the police officer is about to return to his car, he looks over at the old lady in the passenger seat and sees that she has been staring dead ahead for the whole time and is covered in sweat, shaking. He asks what's wrong with her. "Oh her? She's been like that since the A259."
    --------------------------------------------
    A man stumbles into his house early in the morning after a night of partying and heavy drinking, just as the sun is coming up. His wife is waiting for him at the kitchen table, glaring at him. "Is there a reason you're coming home at 6 in the morning with alcohol on your breath, lipstick on your collar?" She shouts at him. "Yes there is," he replies. "I would like some breakfast"
    ----------------------------------------------
    Funny how women boast of their ability to multi task yet can't have headache and sex at the same time.
    .........................................................................................................
    Two Asians recently arrived in the U.K. were asked by another Asian how were they settling in to their new home / land. " Oh quite well really, our Polish is coming on really well.""
    ..............................................................
    Driving down the motorway and a car full of teenagers are keeping level with them.
    The wife says to her Husband "I think those kids are foreigners" and when he asks why she thinks that, she replies "Welll they are holding up an homemade card with the word Stit rouR sU wohS"
    -------------------------------
    Paddy sat in the Bar with Mick who was holding a packet of Condoms, when Paddy asked why he had bought them Mick "To avoid having an accident" Paddy said They are no good for that as my brother thought that and was wearing one in Dublin and was knocked down by a Bus.
    ...................................................................................................
    Mick picked up the morning paper and said "Look at that headline Three Cliff walkers killed in landslide," Paddy said "Wow what's the chances of them all having the same name"
    --------------------------------------
  5. In Topic: Jacktee's Jokes

    06 June 2016 - 07:46 AM

    A guy and his wife were preparing to go to a masquerade party. Unfortunately the night of the party the wife came down with a terrible migraine.

    She told him that she didn't want to ruin his fun, so he should go ahead and go without her. She was going to take one of her headache pills and go to bed.

    A few hours later she woke up and her headache was gone. Her husband had left also. She thought, "He doesn't know what costume I am wearing. I'm going to go and check up on him."

    So she arrived at the party in her costume. She knew his. Sure enough he was dancing and flirting with all the women there. So she thought, "I'll fix him."

    She got his attention and started flirting with him. Sure enough it wasn't long before he propositioned her to go outside with him. She thought, "What the heck, he's my husband." So they went out to the parking lot and had mad, passionate sex in the car.

    She made her excuses and left early. Then went straight to bed and waited for him. When he arrived home, she coyly asked how his night had gone, fixing all the time to rip him royally.

    "Oh, you know I never really have fun at those things when you are not there, so Charlie and a couple other guys played cards in the back all night...but the guy I loaned my costume to had a helluva time."
    ----------------------------------

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