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- 16-December 09
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- 78 years old
- July 24, 1936
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Yesterday, 08:47 AMI just overheard my girlfriend telling her sister that she’s taking her retarded boyfriend to the pub tonight.
I can’t believe the bitch is cheating on me
Today is International Women’s Day.
It was actually supposed to be held yesterday but they took too long to get ready.
BEER BY SEVEN YEAR OLDS
A handful of 7 year old children in Australia were asked what they thought of beer.
There were some interesting responses, but the last one is especially touching.
’I think beer must be good. My dad says the more beer he drinks the prettier my mum gets.’
--Tim, 7 years old
’Beer makes my dad sleepy and we get to watch what we want on television when he is asleep, so beer is nice.’
--Melanie, 7 years old
’My Mum and Dad both like beer. My Mum gets funny when she drinks it and takes
her top off at parties, but Dad doesn’t think this is very funny.’
--Grady, 7 years old
’’My Mum and Dad talk funny when they drink beer and the more they drink the more they give kisses to each other, which is a good thing.’
--Toby, 7 years old
’My Dad gets funny on beer. He is funny. He also wets his pants sometimes, so he
shouldn’t have too much.
--Sarah, 7 years old
’My Dad loves beer. The more he drinks, the better he dances.
One time he danced right into the pool.’
--Lily, 7 years old
’I don’t like beer very much. Every time Dad drinks it, he burns the sausages on the barbecue and they taste disgusting.’
--Ethan, 7 years old
’I give Dad’s beer to the dog and he goes to sleep.’
--Shirley, 7 years old
’My Mum drinks beer and she says silly things and picks on my father.
Whenever she drinks beer she yells at Dad and tells him to go bury his bone down the street again, but that doesn’t make any sense.’
--Jack, 7 years
Husbands and Wives
Every Wife is a "Mistress" for her Husband.
"Miss" for one hour & "Stress" for the rest 23 hours!
There are 2 times when a Man doesn’t understand a Woman.
Before Marriage and After Marriage.
My wife and I divorced over religious differences.
She Thought she was God, and I didn’t.
Marriage is like a public toilet.
Those waiting outside are desperate to get in, and those inside are desperate to come out.
Why are hurricanes usually named after women?
Because when they arrive, they’re wet and wild, but when they go, they take your house and car..
After drinking, Men talk unnecessarily, Become emotional,drive badly, stop thinking, fight for nothing.
Women can do all these without drinking!
When I was born, I was given a choice - A big dick or a good memory. I don't remember, what I chose.
Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.
A wife is a sex object. Every time you ask for sex, she objects.
Impotence: Nature's way of saying 'No hard feelings...'
There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men - 'don't' and 'stop', unless they are used together.
Panties: Not the best thing on earth, but next to the best thing on earth.
Virginity is not dignity, its lack of opportunity.
Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.
Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy.
A couple just married were happy with the whole thing. He was happy with the hole, and she was happy with the thing.
Despite the old saying, "Don't take your troubles to bed' many men still sleep with their wives.
22 October 2014 - 10:45 AMTWIN IRISH SISTERS CELEBRATE
Twin sisters in a Newfoundland Nursing Home were turning one hundred years old.
The editor of the local newspaper told a photographer to get over there and take
pictures of the two 100 year old twins. One of the twins was hard of hearing and
the other could hear quite well.
Once the photographer arrived he asked the sisters to sit on the sofa.
The deaf sister said to her twin, "WHAT DID HE SAY?"
"WE GOTTA SIT OVER THERE ON THE SOFA!", said the other.
"Now get a little closer together," said the cameraman.
Again, "WHAT DID HE SAY?"
"HE SAYS SQUEEZE TOGETHER A LITTLE."
So they wiggled up close to each other.
"Just hold on for a bit longer, I've got to focus a little," said the photographer.
Yet again, "WHAT DID HE SAY?"
"HE SAYS HE'S GONNA FOCUS!"
With a big grin, the deaf twin shouted out, "OH LARD JESUS! BOTH OF US????"
21 October 2014 - 11:07 AMIf you had purchased £1,000 of shares in Delta Airlines one year ago, you would have £49.00 today.
If you had purchased £1,000 of shares in AIG insurance company one year ago, you would have £33.00 today..
If you had purchased £1,000 of shares in Lehman Brothers five years ago, you would have nothing today.
If you had purchased £1,000 of shares in Northern Rock three years ago, you would have nothing today
But, if you had purchased £1,000 worth of beer one year ago at Tesco's, drunk all the beer, then taken the aluminium cans to the scrap metal dealer, you would have received £214.00.
Based on the above, the best current investment plan is to drink heavily & recycle.
A recent study found that the average Briton walks about 900 miles a year.
Another study found that Britons drink, on average, 22 gallons of alcohol a year. That means that, on average, Britons get about 41 miles to the gallon!
Makes you proud to be British!
20 October 2014 - 09:06 AMOLD IS WHEN...Your sweetie says, "Let’s go upstairs and make love," and you answer, "Honey, I can’t do both!"
OLD IS WHEN...Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you’re barefoot.
OLD IS WHEN...A sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door.
OLD IS WHEN...Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.
OLD IS WHEN...You don’t care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don’t have to go along.
OLD IS WHEN...You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of the police.
OLD IS WHEN..."Getting a little action" means I don’t need to take any fiber today.
OLD IS WHEN..."Getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking lot.
OLD IS WHEN...An "all nighter" means not getting up to pee!
A trucker drives his fully loaded lorry to the top of a steep hill on Salisbury Plain and starts down the other side when he notices a Soldier and a Wrac having sex in the center of the road.
He blows his horn several times, but they don’t budge.
He slams on his brakes, and stops just inches from them.
Getting out of the cab, madder than hell, the trucker walks to the couple, still in the road, and yells, "What the hell’s the matter with you two? Didn’t you hear me blowing the horn? You could’ve been killed!
The Soldier on the highway looks up and says, "Look, I was coming, she was coming, and you were coming. You were the only one with brakes."
The other day my neighbour, who is blonde, came running up to me in the driveway just jumping for joy! I didn’t know why she was jumping for joy. I thought, what the heck, and I starting jumping up and down along with her.
She said, “Julie, I have some really great news!"
I said, "Great. Tell me why you’re so happy."
She stopped jumping and, breathing heavily from all the jumping up and down, told me that she was pregnant!
I knew that she had been trying for a while so I toldher, "That’s great! I couldn’t be happier for you!"
Then she said, "There’s more."
I asked, "What do you mean ’more’?"
She said, "Well, we are not having just one baby. We are going to
have twins Amazed at how she could know so soon after getting
pregnant, I asked her how she knew. She said...
“That was the easy part. I went to Wal-Mart and they actually had a home pregnancy kit in a twin-pack. Both tests came out positive!”
A policeman brought four boys before a judge.
"They were causing an awful lot of commotion at the zoo, your Honor," he said.
"Boys," said the judge sternly, "I never like to hear reports of juvenile delinquency.
Now I want each of you to tell me your name and what you were doing wrong."
"My name is George," said the first boy, "and I threw peanuts into the elephant pen."
"My name is Pete," said the second boy, "and I threw peanuts into the elephant pen."
"My name is Mike," said the third boy, "and I threw peanuts into the elephant pen."
"My name is Peanuts," said the fourth boy.
Bob came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber.
He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, "You died in your sleep, Bob."
Bob was stunned. "I’m dead? No, I can’t be! I’ve got too much to live for. Send me back! Please!"
St. Peter said, "I’m sorry, but there’s only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken."
Bob was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home....The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking,
and pecking the ground.
A rooster strolled past. "So, you’re the new hen, huh? How’s your first day here?"
"Not bad," replied Bob the hen, "but I have this strange feeling inside. Like I’m gonna explode!"
"You’re ovulating," explained the rooster. "Don’t tell me you’ve never laid an egg before?"
"Never," said Bob.
"Well, just relax and let it happen," says the rooster. "It’s no big deal."
Bob did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg!
Bob was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon laid another egg -- his joy was overwhelming.
As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard his wife yelling.....
"BOB, wake up for goodness sake,"You’ve just s-it the bed..!"
CNN reported today that Walt Disney’s new film called "Jet Black," the American-African version of "Snow White,” has been canceled.
All of the 7 dwarfs: Dealer, Stealer, Mugger, Forger, Drive-By, Home boy, and Shank have refused to sing "Hi Ho" because they say it offends black prostitutes and their sisters.
They also say they damn sure have no intention of singing, "It’s off to work we go."
A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards.
The little boy asked why he wore his collar backwards.
The man, who was a Priest, said,...’I am a Father..’
The little boy replied, ’My Daddy doesn’t wear his collar like that.’
The priest looked up from his book and answered, ’’I am the Father of many.’
The boy said, ’’My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he doesn’t wear his collar that way!’
The priest, getting impatient, said. ’I am the Father of hundreds’, and went back to reading his book.
The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and said, "Maybe you should wear a condom, and put your pants on backwards instead of your collar."
18 October 2014 - 08:19 AMFarmer John once lived on a quiet rural highway, but as time went by the traffic slowly built up and eventually got so heavy and so fast that his free range chickens were being run over, at a rate of three to six a week.
Farmer John decided to call the local police station and complain,
"You've got to do something about all these people driving so fast and killing all my chickens" he said to the local police officer.
"What do you want me to do?" asked the policeman.
"I don't care, just do something about those crazy drivers!"
So the next day the policeman had the Council erect a sign that said:
Three days later Farmer John called the policeman and said,
"You've still got to do something about these drivers. The ‘school crossing' sign seems to make them go even faster!"
So again, they put up a new sign:
SLOW: CHILDREN AT PLAY
That really sped them up. So Farmer John called and said,
"Your signs are no good. Can I put up my own sign?"
In order to get Farmer John off his back said "Sure. Put up your own sign."
The phone calls to the Police Station stopped, but curiosity got the better of the Officer, so he called Farmer John, "How’s the problem with the speeding drivers.
Did you put up your sign?"
"Oh, I sure did and not one chicken has been killed.
The policeman was really curious and thought he'd better go out and take a look at the sign.
He also thought the sign might be something the Police could use elsewhere, to slow drivers down.. So he drove out to Farmer John's house.
His jaw dropped the moment he saw the sign.
Slow down and watch out for chicks!