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Member Title:
Litre Club
Age:
78 years old
Birthday:
July 24, 1936
Gender:
Male Male

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jacktee   -----


Posts I've Made

  1. In Topic: Jacktee's Jokes

    27 February 2015 - 10:31 AM

    TWO IRISHMEN & A SAUSAGE


    > Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money
    > between them; they could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro.
    >
    > Murphy said “Hang on, I have an idea.”
    >
    > He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage.
    >
    > Shamus said “Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money at all!”
    >
    > Murphy replied, “Don't worry - just follow me.”
    >
    > He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of
    > Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson Whiskey.
    >
    > Shamus said “Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will
    > be in? We haven't got any money!!”
    >
    > Murphy replied, with a smile. “Don't worry; I have a plan, Cheers!”
    >
    > They downed their Drinks. Murphy said, “OK, I'll stick the sausage
    > through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth.”
    >
    > The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out.
    >
    > They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free.
    >
    > At the tenth pub Shamus said “Murphy - I don't think I can do any more
    > of this. I'm drunk and me knees are killing me!”
    >
    > Murphy said, “How do you think I feel? I can't even remember which pub
    > I lost the sausage in.”
  2. In Topic: Jacktee's Jokes

    26 February 2015 - 09:32 AM

    It was raining hard and a big puddle had formed in front of the little Irish pub.
    An old man stood beside the puddle holding a stick with a string on the end and jiggled it up and down in the water.
    A curious gentleman asked what he was doing.
    'Fishing,' replied the old man.
    'Poor old fool' thought the gentleman, so he invited the old man to have a drink in the pub.
    Feeling he should start some conversation while they were sipping their whisky, the gentleman asked,
    ‘And how many have you caught today?'
    'You're the eighth.'
  3. In Topic: Jacktee's Jokes

    23 February 2015 - 10:50 AM

    A helicopter carrying passengers suddenly looses engine power and the aircraft begins to decent. The pilot safely performs an emergency landing in water, and tells the passengers to remain seated and to keep the doors closed, stating that in emergency situations, the aircraft is designed to stay afloat for 30 minutes, giving rescuers time to get to them. Just then a man gets out if his seat and runs over to open the door. The pilots screams at him, "Didn't you hear what I said, the aircraft is designed to stay afloat as long as the doors remain closed?!". "Of course I heard you", the man replied, "but it's also designed to fly, and look how good that one worked out!!"
    --------------------------------------
    A woman was waiting in the checkout line at a shopping center. Her arms were laden with a mop and broom and other cleaning supplies. By her actions and deep sighs, it was obvious she was in an extreme hurry, and was not happy about the slowness of the line. When the cashier called for a price check on a box of soap, the woman remarked indignantly, "Well, I'll be lucky to get out of here and home before Easter!" "Don't worry, ma'am," replied the clerk. "With that wind kicking up out there and that brand new broom, you'll be home in no time."
    --------------------------------------
    I decided to go to the local Mosque for the first time to see what it was all about.
    I sat down and the Imam came up to me, laid his hands on my hand and said,
    "By the will of Allah the All Mighty, and the Prophet Muhammad you will walk today."
    I told him I was not paralysed. He came back and laid his hands on me and repeated
    the same thing. Again I told him there is nothing wrong with me.
    After the prayers I stepped outside and, can you believe it, my car was gone !!!!!
    ------------------------------------
    There were two chip shops on opposite corners in Windsor street, Liverpool 8. One was owned by a Chinese family and the other was owned by a Greek family. Every Friday the Greek guy would knock on the door of the Chinese chippie and ask "What day is it?" and the Chinese guy would say "Fliday" causing the Greek to howl with laughter.

    After a few years the Chinese man was getting fed up with being laughed at and took elocution lessons so that he could pronounce words better. Came the day when the Greek guy knocked at the Chinese chippie and asked "What day is it?" The Chinese man came out of his shop, inflated his chest and proudly said "Today it is FRRRIDAY. What did you think it was you Gleek Plick?"
    -----------------------------------

    Joe had asked Bob to help him out with the deck after work, so Bob just went straight over to Joe's place. When they got to the door, Joe went straight to his wife, gave her a hug and told her how beautiful she was and how much he had missed her at work. When it was time for supper, he complimented his wife on her cooking, kissed her and told her how much he loved her. Once they were working on the deck, Bob told Joe that he was surprised that he fussed so much over his wife. Joe said that he'd started this about six months ago, it had revived their marriage, and things couldn't be better. Bob thought he'd give it a go. When he got home, he gave his wife a massive hug, kissed her and told her that he loved her. His wife burst into tears. Bob was confused and asked why she was crying. She said, "This is the worst day of my life. First, little Billy fell off his bike and twisted his ankle. Then, the washing machine broke and flooded the basement. And now, you come home drunk!"
    -------------------------------------

    A bakery owner hires a young female shop assistant who likes to
    wear very short skirts and thong panties.

    One day a young man enters the store.

    Noticing her short skirt and the location of the
    raisin bread, he has a brilliant idea. "I’d like some raisin bread
    please!", the mansays.

    The shop assistant climbs up the ladder to reach the
    raisin bread located on the very top shelf.

    The man standing almost directly beneath her is
    provided with an excellent view, just as he thought.

    When she descends the ladder, he decides that he would
    really like two loaves.

    After she retrieves the second loaf of bread and
    descends the ladder, one of the other male customers notices what’s going on and
    requests his own loaf of raisin bread.

    Atop the ladder one more time, she looks down and notices an
    elderly man standing amongst the crowd.

    Thinking that she can save herself another trip, she yells
    at the elderly man, "Is it raisin for you too?"

    "No," stammers the old man, "but it’s quivering a little."
    -----------------------------------

    Medical distinction between Guts and Balls.

    There is a madical distinction between Guts & Balls.

    We’ve all heard about people having Guts or Balls,
    But do you really know the difference between them?

    In an effort to keep you informed, here are the definitions.

    GUTS- is arriving home late after a night out with the lads. Being met by your wife with a broom, and
    having the guts to ask.
    "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?

    BALLS- is coming home late after a night out with the lads, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the Balls to stay.

    I hope this clears of any conusion on the Definitions.

    Medically speaking there is NO difference in the outcome,
    BOTH result in death.
    -----------------------------------------
  4. In Topic: Jacktee's Jokes

    20 February 2015 - 10:17 AM

    Coffee break

    This is getting too close to the bone for some of us!

    A group of seniors were sitting around talking about all their ailments at the Garden Centre

    "My arms have got so weak I can hardly lift this cup of coffee," said one

    "Yes, I know," said another. "My cataracts are so bad; I can't even see my coffee."

    "I couldn't even mark an "X" at election time because my hands are so crippled," volunteered a third.

    "What? Speak up! What? I can't hear you” said one elderly lady.

    "I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck," said one, to which several nodded weakly in agreement.

    "My blood pressure pills make me so dizzy!" exclaimed another.

    "I forget where I am, and where I'm going," said another.

    "I guess that's the price we pay for getting old” winced an old man as he slowly shook his head.

    The others nodded in agreement.

    "Well, count your blessings," said a woman cheerfully. "Thank goodness we can all still drive!"
  5. In Topic: Jacktee's Jokes

    18 February 2015 - 10:06 AM

    An old blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake...

    He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.

    After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"

    The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.
    In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it's only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:
    The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
    The bouncer is a blonde girl with a 'Billy-Club'.
    I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blond woman with a black belt in Karate.
    The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.
    The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
    Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy...Do you still want to tell that blonde joke?"
    The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, 'No...not if I'm going to have to explain it five times..."

    ------------------------------


    The wife’s back on the warpath again. She was up for making a sex movie last night, and all I did was suggest we should hold auditions for her part..
    ----------------------------------
    I’ve accidentlally swallowed some Scrabble tiles,
    My next crap could spell disaster.
    ------------------------------------
    I woke up this morning at 8, and could sence something was wromg..
    I got down stairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing! I panicked. I didn’t know what to do. Then I remembered McDonald’s serves breakfasts until 11.30
    ----------------------------------
    The other night, my wife asked me how many women I’d slept with.
    I told her. "Only you. All the others kept me awake all night."
    -------------------------------
    My missus packed my bags, as I walked out the front door, she screamed, "I wish you a slow painful death, you bastard!"
    "OH" i replied, "So now you want me to stay!"
    ---------------------------
    I’ve just installed strobe lights in the bedroom,
    It makes the wife look as if she’s moving during sex.
    --------------------------------- After 100 years lying on the sea bed, Irish drivers were amazed to find that the Titanic’s swimmming pool was still full.
    ------------------------------------
    Paddy is doing some roofing working for Murphy, he nears the top of the ladder and starts shaking and going dizzy. He calls down to Murphy and says,
    "I think I will ave to go home, I’ve come all over giddy and feel sick."
    Murphy asks "Av yer got vertigo?"
    Paddy replies, "No, I only live round the corner."
    ------------------------------------
    Two guys were sitting in a double hole outhouse doing their business, when #1 gets through and pulling up his pants, a quarter falls out of his pocket and falls into the depths of the hole. As they both peer down the hole, #1 pulls out his wallet and throws a 20 dollar into the hole. "What did you do that for?" inquires #2. #1 replies "You don't think I'm going to climb down there for a lousy quarter, do you"
    ---------------------------------
    He grasped me firmly but gently just above my elbow and guided me into a room, his room. Then he quietly shut the door and we were alone.

    He approached me soundlessly, from behind, and apoke in a low, reassuring voice close to my ear, "Just relax."

    Without warning, he reached down and I felt his strong, calloused hands start at my ankles, gently probing, and moving upward along my calves slowly but steadily. My breath caught in my throat. I knew I should be afraid, but somehow I didn’t care. His touch was so experienced, so sure.

    When his hand moved up onto my thighs, I gave a slight shudder, and partly closed my eyes. My pulse was pounding. I felt his knowing fingers caress my abdomen, my ribcage. then, as he cupped my firm, full breasts in his hands, I inhaled sharply. Probing, searching, knowing what he wanted, he brought his hands to my shoulders, slid them down my tingling spine and into my panties.

    Although I knew nothing about this man, I felt oddly trusting and expectant. This is a man, I thought. A man used to taking charge. A man not used to taking ’no’ for an answer. A man who would tell me what he wanted. A man who would look into my soul and say.....
    "OK. ma’am, you can board your flight now."

    ---------------------------------------
    Winking Problem.

    A man, with a winking problem, is applying for a position as a sales representative for a large firm. The interviewer looks over his papers and says, "This is phenomenal; you’ve graduated from the best schools, your recommendations are wonderful, and your experience is unparalleled. Normally, we would hire you without a second thought. However, a sales representative has a highly visible position and we’re afraid that your constant winking will scare off potential customers".

    "Hang on," the man says. "All I need to do is take two aspirins, they stop me winking".

    "Really" says the interviewer? "Great. Show me!"

    So the applicant reaches into his jacket pocket and begins pulling out all sorts of condoms: red condoms, blue condoms, ribbed condoms, flavoured condoms; finally, at the bottom, he finds a packet of aspirin. He tears it open, swallows the pills, and stops winking.

    "Well," said the interviewer, "that’s all well and good, but this is a respectable company and we will not have our employees womanizing all over the country”.

    "Womanizing? What do you mean? I’m a happily married man!"

    "Well then, how do you explain all these condoms?"

    "Oh, that," he sighed. "Have you ever walked into a pharmacy, winking, and asked for a packet of aspirin?”
    -------------------------------------

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