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- 16-December 09
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- 80 years old
- July 24, 1936
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Yesterday, 08:55 AMA minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans.
Saint Peter addresses this guy: "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?"
The guy replies: "I'm Joe Cohen, taxi driver, of Noo Yawk City."
St. Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the taxi driver, "Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven."
The taxi driver goes into Heaven with his robe and staff, and it's the minister's turn. He stands erect and booms out, "I am Joseph Snow, pastor of my church for the last forty-three years."
St. Peter consults his list. He says to the minister, "Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven."
"Just a minute," says the minister. "That man was a taxi driver, and he gets a silken robe and golden staff. How can this be?"
"Up here, we work by results," says Saint Peter. "While you preached, people slept; while he drove, people prayed."
22 July 2016 - 09:08 AMDuring a geography lesson in class teacher asked a little scouse lad " Can you tell me where the Polish border is ?" to which he answered Up in Bed with me Mam
A Pole was in The Opticians for an eye test and the Optician asked him could he read the third line from the bottom A x k s p h e o a p a The Pole answered "Can I read it. I Know him "
This girl went to the Clinic for a check up and the Doc told her she was pregnant. she said "But Doctor my boyfriend and I have only made Love with our eyes. The Doctor said "In that case your Boyfriend Must be Cockeyed."
Harry walked over to the Priest after services, “You know Father, I am really stuck in a quandary I would like to attend church next week but I just can’t miss the big game next Sunday, it’s just out of the question.” “Oh Harry Harry” said the Priest putting his arm around Harry, “don’t you know? that’s what recorders are for.” Harry’s face lit up “you mean I could record your sermon?”
Murphy playing golf in Ireland gets a hole in one on the thirteenth,
to which a leprechaun pops up and says lucky thirteenth you get one wish,
Murphy not fully believing says I wish my willy was a wee bit bigger.
Nothing happened till the sixteenth where he had strange feelings,
by the seventeenth it was protruding from his shorts, by the eighteenth it was touching the grass.
Murphy limped to the pro shop and told of his dilemma,
only one answer go back when quiet with two buckets of balls and try to repeat his hole in one
. Down to his next to last ball he succeeds, out pops the leprechaun,
lucky thirteenth you get one wish,
I wish me legs were a wee bit longer.
Twin sisters were out playing golf and one of them sliced her shot into the trees followed by a a loud tinkling sound and being curious they went into the wood. they came across a half naked man and just as they were about to run he said. "Hail my Queens I am your Elf of the bottle and I have been in there for the last 50 years. as you have released me I am now your slave and will do or supply you with anything you desire" One sister looked at the other and said "I would be happy with a new set of golf clubs" but the Elf said You shall own the whole Club and all its lands. after promising them diamonds and cars the sisters are very excited and as they give him a list he says " My Queens before I grant you all your wishes and go my way I have say that after 50 years I am desperate for sex, please oblige me and all your wishes will be granted" not wishing to lose their wealth to be they reluctantly oblige him, first one and then the other. afterwards they are surprised to see him suddenly get on a bike and begin to ride away. He shouts back" How old are you girls ?" to which they reply 33, He laughs " Thirty Three and you still believe in Elves"
15 July 2016 - 08:58 AMI'm fed up with the excuses women come up with to avoid having sex,
like: "I'm tired." "I'm washing my hair." "I've got a headache." "I am
A woman in labour is in pain and screaming profanity at her husband from
her hospital bed. He says, "Hey, don't blame me! I wanted to stick it in
your ass, but N-O-O-O-O, you said that might hurt!"
I spent $5,000 on a boob job for the wife. She was delighted. I spent
another $2,000 on a nose job for her. She was ecstatic. I spent $2,000
on liposuction for her and she couldn't thank me enough. But I spend 50
bucks on a blowjob for myself and she goes bloody nuts! Women, I can't
figure them out.
A mother in law said to her son's wife when their baby was born, "I
don't mean to be rude but he doesn't look anything like my son." The
daughter-in-law lifted her skirt and said, "I don't mean to be rude
either, but this is a pussy, not a photo-copier."
Dear Dr Phil: I was watching my next door neighbor's wife sunbathing
topless from my bedroom window. As I was jerking off, I turned to notice
my wife was just standing there, arms folded...watching me. Is she a
pervert or what?
A guy gets a call at work from the police telling him that his house had
been robbed. The offenders had also consumed all of his beer and had
raped his wife. A moment of silence passes, then the guy says, "I can't
believe they had sex with my wife after only five beers!"
Got this text from my brother recently. It read, "Can I stay at your
house for a while? The ol' lady kicked me out after she caught me
measuring my dick. For what it's worth, it reaches all the way to the
back of her sister's throat!"
My wife just came in and said, "I don't know if I'm coming or going." I
said to her, "Judging by the look on your face you're going, because
when you're coming you look like a bloody squirrel trying to whistle!"
I saw a fortune teller the other day. She told me I would come into some
money. Last night I had sex with a girl named Penny. Is that spooky or what?
The missus asked me, "When you're on a "guys only" trip, do you think
about me?" Apparently, "Only to stop myself from coming too quickly!"
13 July 2016 - 12:05 PMHappy birthday tripo, have a good one
11 July 2016 - 12:07 PMTROJAN CONDOM COMPANY
6969 Slippery Root Drive
Drop Trouser, Sydney 2120.
We regret to inform you that we have rejected your application to model and
represent our product, TROJAN CONDOMS.
Although your general physical appearance is not displeasing, our Board of
Directors feel that your wearing of our product in advertisements does not
portray a positive romantic image for our product. A loose, baggy and
wrinkled condom is not considered romantic.
We did admire your efforts to try and firm it up by using poly-grip, but even
then it slipped off before we could get the photographs taken. We would like
to note however that yours is the first we have seen that looked like a
We appreciate your interest and would like to thank you for your time. We
will retain your application for possible future consideration. If by
chance we decide there is a market for mini-condoms we will call you.
We send greetings and sympathy for your lady.
Burly Dick, President
TROJAN CONDOM COMPANY, INC.
P.S. Remember our slogans:
Cover your stump before you hump!
Don't be silly, protect your willie!
Never deck her with an unwrapped packer!
Before you attack her, wrap your whacker!
If you're not going to sack it, go home and whack it!
A Tiskit, a taskit, a condom or a casket!
"The Hole In The Bed" by Mr. Completely
"Safety On The Rifle Range" by Miss Fyre
"Holes In The Toilet" by I. P. Stones
"Yellow River" by I. P. Freeley
"Rusty Bedsprings" by I. P. Nightly
"In The Bushes" by I. P. Dailey
"The Bear Got Me" by Claude Bawls
"Under The Grandstand" by I. Seymour Butz
"Spots On The Wall" by Pickett & Flickett
"I Dare You" by Hugo Furst
"Tragedy On The Cliff" by Eileen Dover
"Running Milk" by I. Suckatit
"Open Komono" by C. Moore Hayers
"Tracks In The Sand" by Peter Dragon
"Shorter Miniskirts" by Seymour Hiney
"Race To The Outhouse" by Willie Maykit
Illustrated by Betty Doant, foreward by Betty Woant
"Stained Ceilings" by I.B. Yakinov, foreward by Jack Knauf
"The Joy Of Self-Abuse" by Dick Pullar, foreward by Jack Goff
"Sex In The Vatican" by Ho Lee Fuk
"French Athletes" by Jacques Strappe
"Lying To Your Lover" by Faye King
"Why I Like Chevys" by Iona Ford
"Genital Grooming" by Harry Dix
"Women In Jazz" by Bertha D. Blooz
"Father Gets Even" by Amanda B. Reckinwith
"Tax-free Withdrawals" by Robin Banks
"Gay Fashion" by Leo Tard
"Unbelievable" by Frank Lee Stund
"Venereal Disease Symptoms" by Dick Boyles
"That Loveable Lush" by Al Koholik
"Beer: The Secrets To Success" by Phil R. Upp
"How To Leave Early" by Ken I. Gonow
"How To Make More Room In A Bed" by Sly Dover
"Chinese Vulgarities" by Phuck Yoo
"Programming With Oriental Computers" by C. P. Yoo
"Down The Flag Pole" by Dick Burns
"Highrise Ups and Downs" by L. E. Vader
"Chinese Golfing Techniques" by Ho Lin Wun
"Experimenting With Drugs" by Ike N. Fly
"How To Make Yourself Blind" by Harry Pawms, foreward by B. Churmeet
"Child Psychology" by I. B. Goode
"The Ruined Sheets" by C. Menstains
"Life On Other Planets" by Edie Foanhoam
"Urinary Tract Infections" by I. Pease Eldom
"Blood On The Hurdles" by 1. Hung Lo
"Winter Driving Tips" by I. C. Rhodes
"Home Canning" by Sal Minella
"Is It In Yet?" by Izzy Honor
"Finishing Your Own Furniture" by Lynne C. Doyle
"Circumcision" by Dick Hertz
"The Pregnant Nun" by Pastor Period
"So You've Testified Against The Mafia, Now What?" by Yurin Trubble
"How To Hang Drapes" by Kurt N. Rod
"Artificial People" by Frank N. Stein
"Here I Come!" by R. U. Reddy
"Productive Complaining" by Belle E. Akin
"Don't Do It" by Yul B. Sawry
"How Not To Handle Stress" by Sue E. Syde
"Little Women" by Barbie Dahl
"Throwing Money Away" by Phil T. Rich
"Play It Safe" by Justin Case