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Litre Club
78 years old
July 24, 1936
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jacktee   -----

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  1. In Topic: Jacktee's Jokes

    Yesterday, 09:32 AM

    report no 436 rotary lawn mower

    Power driven rotary lawn mowers are great boon to shiftless suburbanites whose lawns are full of
    dandelions buckthorn and other weeds too tall for the reel type or conventional grass cutters.
    The rotary mower, however, is not an un-mixed blessing. Unseen rocks and sticks to say nothing
    of unburied bones, will raise hell with the blades. So will nails bits of wire and other metal debris.
    But these problems pale into insignificance when compared with the unhappy result of running
    a rotary mower over newly deposited dog shit. Until you have had your shoes shined with pulverised dog shit you cannot appreciate the extent of this problem.
    Cat shit, to be sure smells worse but cats as everyone knows, are more careful to cover up their waste than as your second storey windows dogs. Moreover cats do not shit as much as dogs, unless you have very small dogs and/or very large cats.
    There are a number of approaches to the problem of animal excreta the rotary lawn mower, but,
    unfortunately, no real solution .First, of course, you can try to keep dogs and cats away from your lawn. The only effective method of doing this is to buy a dog bigger and ornier than any other dog in the neighbourhood and train him (a) to chase other dogs off your grass and (B) to shit in your neighbours yards, there are obvious drawbacks to this method of combating the problem.
    Of course there is always the chance that one of your neighbours will hire a cow and train it to deposit cow flops on your lawn, it has been estimated that a rotary mower operating at 3,450 rpm
    can hurl a normal deposit of cow shit as high as your second storey windows and over an area of 500 square feet.
    Building a fence is a possible solution but expensive it is in addition no good unless you can train your wife and children to keep the gates shut. and too, some dogs will jump fences even when full of shit.
    There are various commercial preparations sold mostly to evil minded old women which are supposed to discourage dogs from (a) screwing lady dogs on your front step or peeing on your shrubs.these chemicals are worthless since it is second nature for dogs to screw and pee just as it is
    for most humans even if these preparations did work of course they would not solve the basic problem created by the rotary lawn mower this leaves three other possible solutions

    1. Let the damned weeds grow
    2. Move into an apartment and use the mower as a window fan
    3. Wear brown shoes when mowing and associate only with people who do not mind the smell of
    dog shit or who are too polite to mention it to you
  2. In Topic: Jacktee's Jokes

    25 March 2015 - 09:22 AM

    Now for some British humour -ADULT !!XXX
    I once knew a dental nurse who loved giving blow jobs and smoking weed.
    She was known as Oral High Jean.

    Just had a parcel from Holland , when I opened it, it was a rubber fanny.
    That's nice I thought, 'Two lips from Amsterdam !’

    My dad worked on the roadwork's for twenty years before he got fired for stealing !
    At first I didn't believe it.... But when I got home all the signs were there.

    A recent survey reported that three quarters of men don't know how to turn on the dish washer.
    I find that licking her nipples and a light gentle fingering usually does the trick

    My girlfriend says that a small penis won't affect our
    Whether she's right or not, I'd prefer it if she didn't have one at all!

    A woman is walking down the street and sees a sign in the pet shop window reading, "PUSSY-LICKING FROG £25" ...
    Curious the woman proceeds inside and says to the shop keeper, "I'd like to see the pussy-licking frog, please."
    To which the shopkeeper replies, "Bonjour !"

    I was on a train this morning, in the loo, when a voice called out "Can I see your ticket please ?"
    "Not right now." I replied, "I'm having a shit."
    "I don't believe you." Said the voice. "Slide it under the door."
    "No probs," I said. "The yellow bits are sweetcorn !"

    My son asked me today "What's the difference between a crow and a blackbird ?"
    I told him, "Crows have somewhat heavier beaks, fan-shaped tails and live on insects.
    A blackbird has big rubbery lips, a fat arse and lives on benefits."

    Everyone's a comedian nowadays.
    Even the paramedic who was unable to resuscitate Whitney couldn't avoid a gag !
    When he radioed dispatch he said "It's Houston, we have a problem !"
  3. In Topic: Jacktee's Jokes

    24 March 2015 - 09:03 AM

    Recently, while I was working in the flower beds in my front garden, my neighbours stopped to chat as they returned home from walking their dog.

    During our friendly conversation I asked their little girl what she wanted to be when she grew up. She said she wanted to be Prime Minister someday.

    Both of her parents, Labour Party members, were standing there, so I asked her, "If you were Prime Minister what would be the first thing you would do?"

    She replied... "I'd give food and houses to all the homeless people."

    Her parents beamed with pride!

    "Wow.....what a worthy goal!" I said. "But you don't have to wait until you're Prime Minister to do that!" I told her.

    "What do you mean?" she asked.

    So I told her, "You can come over to my house and mow the lawn, pull out the weeds, and trim my hedge, and I'll pay you £50. Then you can go over to the shop, where the homeless people hang out, and you can give them the £50 to use for food "

    She thought that over for a few seconds, then she looked me straight in the eye and asked, "Why doesn't the homeless come over and do the work, and you can just pay them the £50?"

    I said, "Welcome to the Conservative Party."

    Her parents aren't speaking to me anymore.
  4. In Topic: Jacktee's Jokes

    23 March 2015 - 10:11 AM

    One Liners.

    Murphy says to Paddy, "What ya talkin into an envelope for?"
    "I’m sending a voicemail ya fool.

    Paddy says "Mick, I’m thinking of buying a Labrador".
    "Blow that" says Mick, "Have you seen how many of their owners go blind".

    19 Paddies go to the cinema, the ticket lady asks,"Why so many of you?"
    Mick replies, "The film said 18 or over".

    I start a new job in Seoul nrxt week.
    I thought it was a good Korea move.

    My neighbour knocked on my door at 2.30 am this morning, can you believe that 2.30 am?
    Luckily for him I was up playing my Bagpipes.

    I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature.
    She said she would come back as a cow.
    I said "You’re obviously not listening."

    The wife has been missing a week now. Police said prepare for the worst. So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothrs back.

    Two Muslins have crashed a speedboat into the Thames barrier in london.
    Police think it might be the start of Ram-a-dam.

    Sat opposite an Imdian lady on the train to day, she shut her eyes and stopped breathing. I thought she was dead, until I saw the red spot on her forehead and realised she was on standby.

    The wife was counting all the 5ps and 10ps out on the kitchen table when she suddenly got very angry and started shouting and crying for no trason.I thought to myself, "She’s going through the change."

    When I was in the pub I heard a couple of plonkers saying that they wouldn’t feel safe on an aircraft if they knew the pilot was a woman.
    What a pair of sexists. I mean, it’s not as if she’d have to reverse the bloody thing.!

    Local Police hunting the ’kitting needle nutter’ who has stabbed six people could be following some kind of pattern.

    An Asian fellow has moved in next door. He has travelled the world, swum with sharks, wrestled bears and climbed the highrst mountain.
    It came as no surprise to learn his name was,
    Bindaie Dundat.
  5. In Topic: Jacktee's Jokes

    22 March 2015 - 09:37 AM

    : Homographs and Heteronyms
    English, what a language!
    Homographs are words of like spelling but with more than one meaning.
    A homograph that is also pronounced differently is a heteronym.
    You think English is easy?
    I think a retired English teacher was bored...
    Read all the way to the end. This took a lot of work to put together!
    1) The bandage was wound around the wound.
    2) The farm was used to produce produce.
    3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
    4) We must polish the Polish furniture.
    5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.
    6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
    7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.
    8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
    9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
    10) I did not object to the object.
    11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
    12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
    13) They were too close to the door to close it.
    14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.
    15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
    16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
    17) The wind was too strong for me to wind the sail.
    18) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
    19) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
    20) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?
    Let's face it - English is a crazy language.
    There is no egg in eggplant, nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple.
    English muffins weren't invented in England or
    French fries in France.
    Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.
    We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
    And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth, beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices? Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?
    If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell?
    How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same as no chance, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which, an alarm goes off by going on.
    English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all. That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.
    PS. - Why doesn't 'Buick' rhyme with 'quick'?



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