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Litre Club
78 years old
July 24, 1936
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jacktee   -----

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  1. In Topic: Jacktee's Jokes

    29 June 2015 - 09:44 AM

    Man goes into a crowded bar.He holds up his hands and says,"I’ve got a colt 45 in my left hand and a 13 round clip in my right hand and i’m looking for any guy who slept with my wife. Silence for a while then a little voice chirps up from the back of the bar and says
    buddy you better go and get another couple of clips.
    A wealthy Arab was admitted to hospital for heart
    surgery, but prior to surgery, the doctor needed type of blood in case the need arose.

    As the gentleman had a rare type of blood, it couldn’t be found localy, so the call went out.

    Finally a Scotsman was located who had a similar blood type. The Scot willingly donated his blood for the Arab.

    After the surgery, in appreciation for giving his blood, the Arab sent the Scotsman a new BMW 5 carats of Diamonds and $50,000 dollars.

    A cpuple of days later, once again, the Arab had to through a corrective surgery.
    The hospital telephoned the Scotsman who was more than happy to donate more of his blood again.

    After the seconed surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman a thank you card and a box of Black Magic .
    The Scotsman was shocked that the Arab did not reciproate his kind gesture as he had before.

    He phoned the Arab and asked him, "I thought you would be generous again, that you would give me another BMW , diamonds and money...but you only gave me a thanh you card and a box of chocolates".

    To this the Arab replied,"Aye Laddie, but now I have Scotish blood in Ma veins".
    Paddy spies a letter lying on his doormat.
    It says on the envelope,
    Paddy spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick it up.
    An old farmer’s dog goes missing and he’s inconsolabl.
    His wife says "Why don’t you put an advert in the paper?"
    He doed, but two weeks later the dog is still missing.
    "What did you put in the paper?" his wife asks.
    "Here boy" he replirs.
    Paddy’s in jail.
    Guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging by his feet.
    "What on earth are you doing?" he asks.
    "Hanging myself" Paddy replies
    "It should be around your neck" says the guard.
    "I know" says Paddy, "But I couldn’t breathe"
    After catching her five-year-old son Lucas trying to pull a fast one, his mother demanded, “Do you think I have idiot written on my forehead?” Lucas answered, “I don’t know. I can’t read.”
    Fred and Mary got married, but can’t afford a honeymoon, so they go back to Fred’s parent’s home for their first night together.

    In the morning, Johnny, Fred’s little brother, gets up and has his breakfast. As he is going out of the door to go to school he asks his mum if Fred and Mayy are up yet?

    She replies, "No"
    Johnny asks, "Do you know what I think?"
    His mum replies, "I don’t want to hear what you think just go to school".

    Johnny comes home from school for lunch
    and asks his mum, "Are Fred and Mary up yet?"
    She replies, "No"
    His mum replies, "Never mind what you think eat your lunch and get back to school.

    After school, Johnny comes home and asks again,
    "Are Fred and Mary up yet?
    His Mum says "No"
    He says "Do you know what I think?"
    His mum replies "Ok, do tell me what you think?"
    He says "Last night Fred came to my room for the Vaseline and I think I gave him my airplane glue".
  2. In Topic: Jacktee's Jokes

    26 June 2015 - 08:28 AM

    My daughter and I went to the McDonald’s checkout to pay our bill and I gave the clerk a £5 note.
    Our total bill was £4.20, so I also handed her a 20 pence piece.
    She said, ’You gave me too much money.’
    I said, ’Yes I know, but this way you can just give me £1 back.’
    She sighed and went to get the Manager who asked me to repeat my request.
    I did so, and he handed me back the 20 pence and said ’We’re sorry but we do not do that kind of thing.’
    The clerk then proceeded to give me back 80 pence in change.
    Do not confuse the clerks at MacDonald’s in St Albans , Hertfordshire.!!

    We had to have the garage door repaired. The GARADOR repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a ’large’ enough motor on the opener.
    I thought for a moment, and said that we had the largest one GARADOR made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower.
    He shook his head and said, ’Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower.’
    I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4 and he said, ’NOOO, it’s not. Four is larger than two.’
    We haven’t used Garador repair since.
    Happened in Moor Park , near Watford .

    I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbour call the Highways Department to request the removal of the ’DEER CROSSING’ sign from our road.
    The reason: ’Too many deer are being hit by cars on this stretch of road!
    I don’t think this is a good place for them to be crossing, any-more.’
    Story from Potters Bar, Hertfordshire.

    My daughter went to a local Kentucky Fried Chicken and ordered a Taco. She asked the person behind the counter for ’minimal lettuce.’ He said he was sorry, but they only had Iceberg Lettuce.
    From South Oxhey , Hertfordshire.

    I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked,
    ’Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?’
    To which I replied, ’If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?’
    He smiled knowingly and nodded, ’That’s why we ask.’
    Happened at Luton Airport

    The traffic light on the corner buzzes when the lights turn red and it is safe to cross the road. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged friend of mine.
    She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red.
    Appalled, she responded, ’What on earth are blind people doing driving?!’
    She is a Local County Council employee in St Albans ,
    Hertfordshire. (And she’s NOT blonde)

    When my husband and I arrived at our local Ford dealer to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the Service Department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the Driver’s door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door-handle and discovered that it was unlocked. ’Hey,’ I announced to the Fitter/Mechanic, ’it’s open!’
    His reply: ’I know. I already did that side.’
    This was at the Ford dealership in St Albans , Hertfordshire.
  3. In Topic: Jacktee's Jokes

    25 June 2015 - 08:15 AM

    Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the "y" becomes silent.

    -A husband said to his wife, "No, I don’t hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law better than I like mine."

    -The honeymoon is over when the husband calls home to say he’ll be late for dinner and the answering machine says it is in the microwave.

    -Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage. They’ve experienced pain and bought jewellery.

    -How do most men define marriage? A very expensive way to get your laundry done.

    -A man meets a genie. The genie tells him he can have whatever he wants provided that his mother-in-law gets double. The man thinks for a moment and then says, "OK, give me a million dollars and beat me half to death."

    -A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" And the father replied, "I don’t know, son, I’m still paying for it."

    -A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it because the thief was spending less than his wife did.

    -Love is blind but marriage is an eye-opener.

    -The most effective way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.

    -Cosmetics: A woman’s way of keeping a man from reading between the lines.

    -Words to live by: Do not argue with a spouse who is packing your parachute.

    -Boring husband: Honey, why are you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger? Bored wife: Because I married the wrong man!

    -First Guy (proudly): "My wife’s an angel!" Second Guy: "You’re lucky, mine’s still alive."

    -Marriage is grand -- and divorce is at least 100 grand.

    -Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbours listen.

    -Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something you say. After marriage, he will fall asleep before you finish.

    If a man wants you, nothing can keep him away. If he doesn’t want you, nothing can make him stay. Stop making excuses for a man and his behaviour.

    Allow your intuition (or spirit) to save you from heartache.Stop trying to change yourself for a relationship that’s not meant to be. Slower is better.

    Never live your life for a man before you find what makes you truly happy. If a relationship ends because the man was not treating you as you deserve

    then heck no, you can’t "be friends". A friend wouldn’t mistreat a friend. Don’t settle. If you feel like he is stringing you along, then he probably is.

    Don’t stay because you think "it will get better."you’ll be mad at yourself a year later for staying when things are not better.

    The only person you can control in a relationship is you. Avoid men who’ve got a bunch of children by a bunch of different women.

    He didn’t marry them when he got them pregnant, why would he treat you any differently? l ways have your own set of friends separate from his.

    Maintain boundaries in how a guy treats you.If something bothers you, speak up.Never let a man know everything. He will use it against you later.

    You cannot change a man’s behaviour. Change comes from within.Don’t EVER make him feel he is more important than you are...

    even if he has more education or in a better job. Do not make him into a quasi-god. He is a man, nothing more nothing less.

    Never let a man define who you are. Never borrow someone else’s man.If he cheated with you, he’ll cheat on you.

    A man will only treat you the way you ALLOW him to treat you. All men are NOT dogs.You should not be the one doing all the bending...compromise is a two way street.

    You need time to heal between relationships...there is nothing cute about baggage..Deal with your issues before pursuing a new relationship.

    You should never look for someone to COMPLETE you...a relationship consists of two WHOLE individuals...

    look for someone complimentary...not supplementary. Dating is fun...even if he doesn’t turn out to be Mr. Right.

    Make him miss you sometimes... when a man always know where you are, and you’re always readily available to him -

    he takes it for granted. Never move into his mother’s house. Never co-sign for a man.Don’t fully commit to a man who doesn’t give you everything that you need.

    Keep him in your radar but get to know others.Share this with other women and men (just so they know)...

    You’ll make someone smile, another rethink her choices, and another woman prepare
  4. In Topic: Jacktee's Jokes

    24 June 2015 - 09:03 AM

    I have a little Satnav, It sits there in my car
    A Satnav is a driver's friend, it tells you where you are.
    I have a little Satnav; I've had it all my life
    It's better than the normal ones, my Satnav is my wife.

    It gives me full instructions, especially how to drive
    "Its sixty miles an hour", it says, "You’re doing sixty five".
    It tells me when to stop and start, and when to use the brake
    and tells me that it's never ever, safe to overtake.

    It tells me when a light is red, and when it goes to green
    It seems to know instinctively, just when to intervene.

    It lists the vehicles just in front, and all those to the rear
    And taking this into account, it specifies my gear.

    I'm sure no other driver has so helpful a device
    For when we leave and lock the car, it still gives its advice.

    It fills me up with counselling, each journey’s pretty fraught
    So why don't I exchange it, and get a quieter sort?

    Ah well, you see, it cleans the house, makes sure I'm properly fed
    It washes all my shirts and things, and keeps me warm in bed!

    Despite all these advantages, and my tendency to scoff,
    I only wish that now and then, I could turn the bugger off.
  5. In Topic: Jacktee's Jokes

    19 June 2015 - 08:42 AM

    A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies. Suddenly, at 3 O'clock in the morning, A resounding noise came from outside... The woman, sort of bewildered, Jumps up from the bed and yells at the man "Shit!, that must be my husband!" So the guy quickly got out of bed , scared, and naked. He jumped out the window like a crazy man, Smashed himself on the ground, went through a thorn bush, Then he stood up and started to run fast to his car. Just a few minutes later he returns and tells the woman "I'm your husband, you slut!!!" So the woman answers:- "Oh, yeah?!! And why were you running?!! You son of a bitch!!!"

    As we Silver Surfers know, sometimes we have trouble with our computers.

    Yesterday, I had a problem, so I called Georgie, the 11 year old next door, whose bedroom looks like
    Mission Control, and asked him to come over.

    George clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.

    As he was walking away, I called after him,
    "So, what was wrong?"
    He replied, "It was an ID T error."

    I didn’t want to appear stupid, but nonetheless
    "An, ID ten T error? What’s that? in case I need to fix it again,"

    Georgie grinned..."Haven’t you ever heard of an ID T error before?
    "No" I replied,

    "Write it down," he said, and I think you’ll figure it out’.
    So I wrote down.

    I used to like Georgie, the little shithead.
    Getting away from their high-stress jobs, a couple spends relaxing weekends in their motor home. When they found their peace and quiet disturbed by well-meaning, but unwelcome, visits from other campers, they devised a plan to assure themselves some privacy. Now, when they set up camp, they place this sign on the door of their RV: “Insurance agent. Ask about our term-life package.”
    Murphy, a furniture sealer from Dublin, decided to expand the line of furniture in his store, so he decided to go to Paris to see what he could find.

    After arriving in Paris, he visited with some manufacturers and selected a line that he thought would sell well back home. To celebrate the new acquisition, he decided to visit a small bistro and have a glass of wine.

    As he sat enjoying his wine, he noticed that the small place was quite crowded, and that the the other chair at his table was the only vacant seat in the house.

    Before long, a very beautiful young Parisian girl came to his table, asked him something in French (which Murphy could not understand), so he motioned to the vacant chair and invited her to sit down.

    He tried to speak to her in English, but a couple of minutes of trying to communicate with her, he took a napkin and drew a picture of a wine glass and showed it to her. She nodded, so he ordered a glass of wine for her.

    After sitting together at the table for a while he took another napkin, and drew a picture of a plate with food on it and she nodded. They left the bistro and found a quite cafe that featured a small group playing romantic music.

    They ordered dinner, after which he took another napkin and drew a picture of a couple dancing.

    She nodded, and they got up to dance. They danced until the cafe closed and the band was packing up.

    Back at their table, the young lady took a napkin and drew a picture of a four-poster bed.

    To this day, Murphy has no idea how she figured out he was in the furniture business,
    A man in the Florida supermarket tries to buy half a head of lettuce. The very young produce assistant tells him that they sell only whole heads of lettuce. The man persists and asks to see the manager. The boy says he'll ask his manager about it. Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager, "Some asshole wants to buy half a head of lettuce." As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, "And this gentleman has kindly offered to buy the other half." The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way. Later the manager said to the boy, "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?" "Canada, sir," the boy replied. "Well, why did you leave Canada?" the manager asked. The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but bitches and hockey players up there." "Really?" said the manager. "My wife is from Canada." "No shit?" replied the boy. "Who'd she play for?"



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