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Litre Club
Age:
80 years old
Birthday:
July 24, 1936
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jacktee   -----


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  1. In Topic: Jacktee's Jokes

    23 September 2016 - 09:11 AM

    A ventriloquist auditioned for Britain's Got Talent.
    He was told by the judges that he was complete rubbish.
    Without a word, the young man picked up his suitcase and left.
    As he went, a muffled voice from his case shouted "GOLLOX !"
    ---------------------------------------
    A man went onto his local Library and whisperes to the Librarian "Erm do you have that new book about small penisis ?" The Librarian looks on his computer and says No It Is Not In Yet and the man says "Yes, that's the one"
    -----------------------------------------
    Little Johnny's Chemistry teacher wanted to teach his class a lesson about the evils of liquor, so he set up an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey, and two worms. "Now, class. Observe what happens to the two the worms," said the professor putting the first worm in the glass of water. The worm in the water moved about, twisting and seemingly unharmed. He then dropped the second work in the whiskey glass. It writhed in pain for a moment, then quickly sank to the bottom and died. "Now kids, what lesson can we derive from this experiment?" he asked. Little Johnny raised his hand and wisely responded, "Drink whiskey and you won't get worms!"
    -----------------------------------------
    An airman in a bar leans over to the guy next to him and says, "Wanna hear a marine joke?" The guy next to him replies, "Well, before you tell that joke, you should know something. I'm 6' tall, 200 lbs, and I'm a marine. The guy sitting next to me is 6'2" tall, weighs 225, and he's a marine. The fella next to him is 6'5" tall, weighs 250, and he's also a marine. Now, you still wanna tell that joke?" The Airman says, "Nah, I don't want to have to explain it three times."
    -----------------------------------------
    A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small club in a small town in Arkansas. With his dummy on his knee, he's going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting: "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person, because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against, not only blondes, but women in general...and all in the name of humor!" The ventriloquist is embarrassed and begins to apologize, when the blonde yells, "You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little idiot on your knee!"
    -----------------------------------
    A blonde has sharp pains in her side. The doctor examines her and says, "You have acute appendicitis." The blonde says, "That's sweet, doc, but I came here to get medical help."
    ---------------------------------------
  2. In Topic: Jacktee's Jokes

    16 September 2016 - 08:03 AM

    A professor at The University of Cork was giving a lecture on the supernatural. To get a feel for his audience, he asks, "How many people here believe in Ghosts?" About 90 students raise their hands. " Well, thats a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you have seen a ghost?" About 40 students raise their hands." Thats really good. Im really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?" About 15 students raise their hand. "Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?"3 students raise their hands." Thats fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further...Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?" Way in the back, Paddy raises his hand. The professor takes off his glasses, and says "Son, all the years Ive been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost. Youve got to come up here and tell us about your experience." The big Irishman from Limerick got up with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium. When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, "So, Paddy, tell us what its like to have sex with a ghost?" Paddyreplied, "Shiiiit! from way back der oi I tought you said a goat :lol: :lol: :lol:
    -------------------------------------------
    A soldier serving overseas far from home was annoyed and upset when his girl wrote to break off their engagement and ask for her photograph back. He went out and collected from his friends all the unwanted photographs of women that he could find, bundled them all together, and sent them back with a note saying, “I regret that I cannot remember which one you are. Please keep your photo and return the others.”
    -------------------------------------------
    The following was developed as a mental age assessment by the School of Psychiatry at Harvard University

    Take your time and see if you can read each line aloud without a mistake.

    The average person over 45 years of age cannot do it!


    1. This is this cat.
    2. This is is cat.
    3. This is how cat.
    4. This is to cat.
    5. This is keep cat.
    6. This is an cat.
    7. This is old cat.
    8. This is fart cat.
    9. This is busy cat.
    10. This is for cat.
    11. This is forty cat.
    12. This is seconds cat.


    Now go back and read the third word in each line from the top down.
    -----------------------------------------------------------------------
    Dating Adds for Seniors found in a Florida Newspaper.

    You can say what you want about Florida , but you never hear of
    Anyone retiring and moving north. These are actual ads seen in
    ''The Villages'' Florida newspaper.Who says seniors don't have A sense of humor?)
    FOXY LADY:
    Sexy, fashion-conscious voluptuous blue-haired beauty,
    80's, slim, 5'4' (used to be 5'6'),
    Searching for sharp-looking, sharp-dressing companion.
    Matching white shoes and belt a plus.

    LONG-TERM COMMITMENT:
    Recent widow who has just buried fourth husband,
    Looking for someone to round out a six-unit plot. Dizziness,
    Fainting, shortness of breath not a problem.

    SERENITY NOW:
    I am into solitude, long walks, sunrises, the ocean, yoga and Meditation.
    If you are the silent type, let's get together, take our hearing aids out and enjoy quiet times.
    WINNING SMILE:
    Active grandmother with original teeth seeking a dedicated flosser
    To share rare steaks, corn on the cob and caramel candy.

    BEATLES OR STONES?
    I still like to rock, still like to cruise in my Camaro on Saturday nights and still like to play the guitar.
    If you were a groovy chick, or are now a groovy hen,
    let's get together and listen to my eight-track tapes.

    MEMORIES:
    I can usually remember Monday through Thursday.
    If you can remember Friday, Saturday and Sunday, let's put our
    two heads together.

    My favorite
    MINT CONDITION:
    Male, 1932 model, high mileage, good condition, some hair,
    Many new parts including hip, knee, cornea, valves.
    Isn't in running condition, but walks well.
    ----------------------------------------------
    She sits down in the first class. A steward, - who has seen her ticket at the entrance - approaches her very politely and ask if he could see her ticket once more. The woman hands it to him. The steward sees that it is for the Economy class and says nicely: - Madam, your ticket is not for the first class, but for the Economy. Would you please proceed to the back? The woman stands up and says quite loudly: - I am blond, I am going on holiday to Miami and I will stay here! - And she sits back. The steward is in a kind of a shock, so he walks to the co-pilot and tells him what happened. The co-pilot walks also to the woman and says: - Madam, if I understood well, you ticket is for the Economy Class. You must proceed to the back, this area is first class. The woman stands up and says quite loudly: - I am blond, I am going on holiday to Miami and I will stay here! - And she sits back. Well, the co-pilot can't force her either, so they go together with the steward to the pilot and tell him about the situation. The pilot chuckles a little and answers very calmly: - Let me talk to her. I understand blond women, my wife is also blond. So he walks to the woman as the steward and the co-pilot are curiously watching. He leans down to her and whispers something in her ears. The woman stands up immediately and walks to the back of the plane. The steward and the co-pilot are in shock. They run to the pilot and ask him: - What did you possibly say to her? The pilot just smiles and says: - I told her the First Class isn't going to Miami.
    ---------------------------------------------
  3. In Topic: Jacktee's Jokes

    09 September 2016 - 09:12 AM

    Retire Aged Personnel Early As a result of the reduction of money budgeted for the Department areas, we are forced to cut our number of personnel. Under the new plan, older employees will be asked to accept early retirement, thus permitting the retention of younger people who represent our future plans. Therefore, a programme to phase out older personnel by the end of the current fiscal year, via retirement, will be placed in effect immediately. The programme will be known as R.A.P.E. (Retire Aged Personnel Early). Employees who are R.A.P.E.D. will be given the opportunity to look for other employment outside the company. Provided they are being R.A.P.E.D., they can request a review of the employment records before actual retirement takes place. This phase of the operation will be called S.C.R.E.W. (Survey of Capabilities of retired Early Workers). All employees who have been R.A.P.E.D. or S.C.R.E.W.E.D. may file an appeal with upper management. This will be called S.H.A.F.T. (Study by Higher Authority Following Termination). Under the terms of the new policies, employees may be R.A.P.E.D. once, S.C.R.E.W.E.D. twice, but may be S.H.A.F.T.E.D. as many times as the company deems appropriate. If any employee follows the above procedure, he or she will be entitled to get H.E.R.P.E.S. (Half Earnings for Retired Personnels Early Severance). As H.E.R.P.E.S. is considered a benefit plan. any employee who has received H.E.R.P.E.S. will no longer be R.A.P.E.D. or S.C.R.E.W.E.D. by the company.
    --------------------------------------------
    A man wonders if having sex on the Sabbath is a sin because he is not sure if sex is work or play. He asks a priest for his opinion on this question. The priest says after consulting the Bible, "My son, after an exhaustive search I am positive sex is work and is not permitted the Sabbath." The man thinks: "What does a priest know about sex?" He goes to minister... a married man, experienced. for the answer. He queries the minister and receives the same reply. Sex is work and not for the Sabbath! Not pleased with the reply, he seeks out the ultimate authority -- a man of thousands of years tradition and knowledge: a rabbi. The rabbi ponders the question and states, "My son, sex is definitely play." The man replies, "rabbi, how can you be so sure when so many others tell me sex is work?" The rabbi softly speaks, " If sex were work...my wife would have the maid do it."
    ------------------------------------------------

    God created the mule, and told him, "You will be mule, working constantly from dusk to dawn, carrying heavy loads on your back. You will eat grass and lack intelligence. You will live for 50 years." The mule answered, "To live like this for 50 years is too much. Please, give me no more than 20." And it was so. Then God created the dog, and told him, "You will hold vigilance over the dwellings of Man, to whom you will be his greatest companion. You will eat his table scraps and live for 25 years." And the dog responded, "Lord, to live 25 years as a dog like that is too much. Please, no more than 10 years." And it was so. God then created the monkey, and told him, "You are monkey. You shall swing from tree to tree, acting like an idiot. You will be funny, and you shall live for 20 years." And the monkey responded, "Lord, to live 20 years as the clown of the world is too much. Please, Lord, give me no more than 10 years." And it was so. Finally, God created Man and told him, "You are Man, the only rational being that walks the earth. You will use your intelligence to have mastery over the creatures of the world. You will dominate the earth and live for 20 years." And the man responded, "Lord, to be Man for only 20 years is too little. Please, Lord, give me the 30 years the mule refused, the 15 years the dog refused, and the 10 years the monkey rejected." And it was so. And so God made Man to live 20 years as a man, then marry and live 30 years like a mule working and carrying heavy loads on his back. Then, he is to have children and live 15 years as a dog, guarding his house and eating the leftovers after they empty the pantry; then, in his old age, to live 10 years as a monkey, acting like an idiot to amuse his grand children.
    --------------------------------------------------

    Billy-Bob was walking into town one day wearing nothing but his gun and his boots. Just as he began walking down Main Street he was confronted by the Sheriff. "Hey, Billy-Bob, ya mind if I ask you what you are doin walkin down Main Street wearin nothin but your gunbelt and boots?" "Well Sheriff, its a long story." "I aint going nowhere", said the Sheriff. "Well Sheriff, a couple hours ago I ran into Mary Lou in the saloon. We had ourselves a couple of drinks and then we started to feelin kinda frisky and Mary Lou said, Why dont we go out to the barn? So we did. Then we started getting real close and cuddin and smoochin and Mary Lou said, Why dont we go out back and go up to the top of the hill. So we did." He continued, "We started cuddlin and smoochin some more and the next thing I know, Mary Lou had taken off all her clothes and she suggested that I do the same. So I did, all except my gunbelt and boots. then Mary Lou laid down on the ground and said, Okay,Billy-Bob, go to town.
    -----------------------------------------------

    Once there was a family who was given some venison by a friend. The wife cooked up the deer steaks, and served it to the husband and children. The husband thought it would be fun to have the children guess what it was that they were eating. "Is is beef?" The daughter Katie asked. "Nope." "Is it pork?" the son Willie asked. "Nope." "Heck, we dont know, Dad!" Willie exclaimed. "Ill give you a clue," the Dad said, "Its what your mom sometimes calls me." "Spit it out, Willie!" cried Katie, "Were eating Asshole!!"
    -------------------------------------------

    This guy sees a sign in front of a house "Talking Dog for Sale." He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the back yard. The guy goes into the back yard and sees a mutt sitting there."You talk?" he asks."Yep," the mutt replies."So, what's your story?"The mutt looks up and says "Well, I discovered this gift pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leader, cause no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running. The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals. Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog. The owner says "Ten dollars." The guy says he'll buy him but asks the owner, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him?" The owner replies, "He's such a bloody liar."
    -------------------------------------------
  4. In Topic: Jacktee's Jokes

    07 September 2016 - 09:00 AM

    Family values.

    Two men were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and family values.

    Bill said, "I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?"

    Larry replied, "I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?"
    ___________________________________________

    A little boy went up to his father and asked: "Dad, where did my intelligence come from?"

    The father replied. "Well, son, you must have got it from your mother,
    cause I still have mine."
    ___________________________________________

    "Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully," the divorce Court Judge said, "And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week,"

    "That's very fair, your honor," the husband said. "And every now and
    then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself."
    ___________________________________________

    A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room, took the husband aside, and said, "I don't like the looks of your wife at all."

    "Me neither doc," said the husband. "But she's a great cook and really good with the kids."
    ___________________________________________

    An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse
    he has been living with for the last 40 years.

    The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words
    that were used to put the curse on you."

    The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and
    wife."
    ___________________________________________

    Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder:
    1. The DNA all matches.
    2. There are no dental records.
    ___________________________________________
    A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, "Can you tell me how long it'll
    take to fly from San Francisco to New York City?"

    The agent replies, "Just a minute."

    "Thank you," the blonde says, and hangs up.
    ___________________________________________

    Moe: "My wife got me to believe in religion."

    Joe: "Really?"

    Moe: "Yeah. Until I married her, I didn't believe in Hell."
    ___________________________________________

    While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed
    a display of bathing suits.

    It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband's advice.

    "What do you think?" I asked. "Should I get a two piece or an
    all-in-one?"'

    Better get the two piece," he replied. "You'd never get it all in one."

    He's still in intensive care!
    ___________________________________________

    The graveside service just barely finished, when there was massive
    clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance.

    The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, "Well, she's
    there!"

  5. In Topic: Jacktee's Jokes

    02 September 2016 - 09:42 AM

    It was a bitter divorce, after four years of marriage and two children it was over. Sam showed up in court together with his ex to see what the verdict would be. Finally after a long court case the verdict was decided. “Ok”, said the judge, turning to Sam, “I am rewarding your ex-wife Ann $470 dollars a month.” “That’s really kind of you, and I really appreciate it” said Sam “I’ll try to send her a little bit from time to time myself.”
    ---------------------------------------

    A young man was visiting his brother and sister-in-law for Sunday dinner. As he arrived at their house he found his young nephew, Mikey, helping them bake some fairy cakes.

    After they were done, his sister-in-law allowed Mikey to put the icing on. When the boy had finished, he brought them to the table.

    "The fairy cakes look delicious, Mike." his uncle said. He took a bite and said, "Mikey these are so good."

    As he finished fairy cake and took another, he again complimented his little nephew. "The fairy cakes look beautiful, Mikey," his uncle said. "How did you get the icing so neat?"

    His nephew replied, "It was easy. I just licked them."

    The uncle turned pale. He pointed to the plate of fairy cakes. "You licked all of these?"

    Mikey replied, "Well no. After a while my tongue got tired, and I got the dog to help."
    ---------------------------------------

    DARWIN POST
    (Last Tuesday),
    Woman saves herself in Crocodile attack using a small Walking Stick.

    This is a story of self-control and marksmanship by a brave,
    Cool-headed woman with a walking stick against a fierce predator.

    */Here is her story in her own words:/*


    "While out walking along the edge of a creek just outside of our house in Darwin,
    With my soon to be ex-husband Discussing our property settlement,
    Kids and other divorce issues,

    We were surprised by a huge 5 metre. Crocodile Which suddenly emerged from the murky water
    And began charging at us very fast with its large jaws wide open.

    The Croc must have been protecting her young And her home because she was extremely aggressive.

    If I had not had my little $5. Dollar Reject shop Walking stick with me, I would not be here today!

    Just one Hard Whack to my estranged husband's knee cap Was all it took..

    ..The' Croc got him easily and I was able to escape By just walking away at a brisk pace.

    The amount I saved in lawyer’s fees was really incredible And I got the lot.-------
    --------------------------------------------
    Sam heard all about the great service in the “Sleep Fine Hotel”, so after dropping his stuff in his room, he excitedly headed down to the hotel lounge. He was only there for a few minutes when a beautifully dressed waitress came over to him. “Would you like something to drink?” she asked. Sam took in a deep breath, looked around at the beautiful lobby and asked “what are my choices?” The woman’s gave Sam a strange look, and responded in an extra loud and slow voice, “yeees or noooo.”
    -------------------------------------------
    Jim’s car is swerving all over the road so a cop pulls him over, “Step out of the car” says the cop, “I am going to need you to take a breathalyzer test.” “I can’t”, Jim responds “You see I have very bad asthma, that can set off an attack.” “Alright,” says the cop, “then you’re going to have to take a blood test.” “Can’t do that either,” Jim responds, “I am a hemophiliac, if a wound is opened, I won’t stop bleeding, and I could bleed to death.” “Ok,” the cop answers “then I will need a urine sample.” “Sorry,” says Jim “I also have diabetes, that could push my sugar count really low.” “Fine, so just come on out, and walk a straight line for me.” “Can’t do that either” responds Jim. “Why not?” Demanded the exasperated cop. “Well, because I’m drunk!”
    -----------------------------------------------
    A guy walked into a crowded bar, waving his un-holstered pistol and yelled, "I have a 45-caliber Colt 1911 with a seven round magazine plus one in the chamber, and I want to know who's been sleeping with my wife."

    A voice from the back of the room called out, "You need more ammo!"
    -----------------------------------

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