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Litre Club
78 years old
July 24, 1936
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jacktee   -----

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  1. In Topic: Jacktee's Jokes

    Yesterday, 10:17 AM

    A woman goes to her Dr and tells him she has three vagina’s
    Dr proceeds to examine her and sure enough he sees she has three vagina’s all lined up next to each other. Off he goes and comes back with some duct tape (must have been military M O) . And sticks two pieces over the the two outer vagina’s.
    "Will that help to cure me Doc" the woman say
    "No" says the Dr " but it will stop you getting f--ked left right and centre ".
    Grandma’s Birth Control Pills
    After working most of her life, Grandma finally retired.
    At her next checkup, the new doctor told her to bring a list of all the medicines that had been prescribed for her.
    As the young doctor was looking through these, his eyes grew wide as he realized she had a prescription for birth control pills.
    "Mrs. Smith, do you realize these are BIRTH CONTROL pills?"
    "Yes, they help me sleep at night."
    "Mrs. Smith, I assure you there is absolutely NOTHING in these pills that could possibly help you sleep!"
    She reached out and patted the young Doctor’s knee. "Yes, dear, I know that; but every morning, I grind one up and mix it in the glass of orange juice that my 16-year-old granddaughter drinks, and believe me, it helps me sleep at night."
    You gotta love Grandmas!!
    There comes a time when a woman just has to trust her husband...

    For example....

    A wife comes home late at night, and quietly opens the door to her bedroom.
    From under the blanket she sees four legs instead of two.
    She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can.

    Leaving the covered bodies groaning, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink.
    As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine

    "Hi Darling" he says, "Your parents have come to visit us, so I lat them stay in our bedroom.
    Did you say "Hello"?

    A woman and her 10 year old son were riding in a taxi cab in New York. It was raining and all the prostitutes were standing under the awnongs.
    "Mum" said the boy, "What are all these women doing?" "They’re waiting for their husbands to get off work" she replies.

    The taxi driver turns around and says "Geez, lady, why don’t you tell him the truth? They’re hookers, kid! They have sex with men for money,"

    The little boy’s eyes get wide and he says, "Is that true Mum?"
    His mother, glaring hard at the driver, Answers in the affirmative.

    After a few minutes, the kid asks, "Mum, what happens to the babies those women have?"

    "Most of them become taxi drivers." she said.

    Bharat walks into a pub and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman..
    He gives her a quick glance then casually looks at his watch for a moment.
    The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"
    "No", he replies, "I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was just testing it.."
    The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What’s so special about it?"
    Bharat explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."
    The lady says, "What’s it telling you now?"
    "Well, it says you’re not wearing any panties."
    The woman giggles and replies "Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!"
    Bharat smiles, taps his watch and says,
    "Bloody thing’s an hour fast!"
    A businessman, on his deathbed, called his friend and said, "Bill, I want you to promise me that when I die, you will have my remains cremated."
    "And what," his friend asked, "do you want me to do with your ashes?"
    The businessman said, "Just put them in an envelope and mail them to the Internal Revenue Service. Write on the envelope, 'Now, you have everything.'"
  2. In Topic: Jacktee's Jokes

    29 October 2014 - 11:21 AM

    New Rules
    We will no longer accept a doctor statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

    Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.

    Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday and Sunday.

    All employees will take their vacation at the same time every year. The vacation days are as follows: Jan. 1, July 4 & Dec. 25

    This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or coworkers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early, provided your share of the work is done enough.

    This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two weeks notice, as it is your duty to train your own replacement.

    Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. In the future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance, all employees whose names begin with 'A' will go from 8:00 to 8:20, employees whose names begin with 'B' will go from 8:20 to 8:40 and so on. If you're unable to go at your allotted time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your turn comes again. In extreme emergencies employees may swap their time with a coworker. Both employees' supervisors in writing must approve this exchange. In addition, there is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, and the stall door will open.

    Skinny people get an hour for lunch as they need to eat more so that they can look healthy, normal size people get 30 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain the average figure. Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast and take a diet pill. Sondra gets none.

    It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary, if we see you wearing $350 Prada sneakers and carrying a $600 Gucci bag we assume you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise.

    Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternations or input should be directed elsewhere. Have a nice week.

    -- Management
  3. In Topic: Jacktee's Jokes

    27 October 2014 - 11:44 AM

    A champion jockey is about to enter an important race on a new horse. The horse's trainer meets him before the race and says,
    "All you have to remember with this horse is that every time you approach a jump, you have to shout, "ALLLLEEE OOOP!" really loudly in the horse's ear. Providing you do that, you'll be fine".
    The jockey thinks the trainer is mad but promises to shout the command. The race begins and they approach the first hurdle. The jockey ignores the trainer's ridiculous advice and the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump.
    They carry on and approach the second hurdle. The jockey, somewhat embarrassed, whispers "Aleeee ooop" in the horse's ear. The same thing happens -- the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump.
    At the third hurdle, the jockey thinks, "It's no good, I'll have to do it" and yells, "ALLLEEE OOOP!" really loudly. Sure enough, the horse sails over the jump with no problems. This continues for the rest of the race, but due to the earlier problems the horse only finishes third.
    The trainer is fuming and asks the jockey what went wrong. The jockey replies,
    "Nothing is wrong with me -- it's this bloody horse. What is he -- deaf or something?"
    The trainer replies, "Deaf?? DEAF?? He's not deaf -- he's BLIND!"
    An old cowboy, dressed in cowboy shirt, hat, jeans, spurs and chaps went to a bar, sat down and ordered a drink.
    As he was sipping his whiskey, a young lady sat down next to him. After she ordered her drink she turned to the cowboy and asked him, "are you a real cowboy?"
    To which he replied, "well, I’ve spent my whole life on the ranch herding cows, breaking horses, and mending fences, so I guess I am."
    After a short while, he asked her what she was. She replied, "I’ve never been on a ranch so I’m not a cowboy, but I am a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I getup in the morning, I think of women. When I eat, shower, watch tv -- everything seems to make me think of women."
    A short while later she left and the cowboy ordered another drink. A couple sat down next to him and asked, "are you a real cowboy?"
    To which he replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out I’m a lesbian."

    Two small county judges both got arrested for speeding on the same day. Rather than call the state Supreme Court for a visiting judge, each agreed to hear the other's case.

    The first judge took the bench while the second stood at the defendant's table, and admitted his guilt. The sentencing judge immediately suspended both the fine and costs.

    They switched places. The second judge admitted that he was speeding, too. Thereupon the first judge immediately fined him $250 and ordered him to pay court costs.

    The second judge was furious. "I suspended your fine and costs, but you threw the book at me!", he fumed. The first judge looked at him and replied, "This is the second such case we've had in here today. Someone has to get tough about all this speeding!"
    I was riding to work yesterday when I observed a female driver, who cut right in front of a pickup truck, causing the driver to drive onto the hard shoulder to avoid hitting her.
    This evidently angered the driver enough that he hung his arm out his window and gave the woman the finger.
    ’Man, that guy is stupid,’ I thought to myself. I ALWAYS smile nicely and wave in a sheepish manner whenever a female does anything to me in traffic, and here’s why:
    I drive 48 miles each way every day to work.
    That’s 96 miles each day.
    Of these, 16 miles each way is bumper-to-bumper
    Most of the bumper-to-bumper is on an 8 lane motorway.
    There are 7 cars every 40 feet for 32 miles.
    That works out to 982 cars every mile, or 31,424 cars.
    Even though the rest of the 32 miles is not bumper-to-bumper, I figure I pass at least another 4000 cars.
    That brings the number to something like 36,000 cars that I pass every day.
    Statistically, females drive half of these.
    That’s 18,000 women drivers!
    In any given group of females, 1 in 28 has PMS.
    That’s 642.
    According to Cosmopolitan, 70% describe their love life as dissatisfying or unrewarding.
    That’s 449.
    According to the National Institute of Health, 22% of all females have seriously considered suicide or homicide.
    That’s 98.
    And 34% describe men as their biggest problem.
    That’s 33.
    According to the National Rifle Association, 5% of all females carry weapons and this number is increasing especially in Birmingham .
    That means that EVERY SINGLE DAY, I drive past at least one female that has a lousy love life, thinks men are her biggest problem, has seriously considered suicide or homicide, has PMS, and is armed.
    Give her the finger?
    I don’t think so!
    Father O’Malley answers the phone. ’Hello, is this Father O’Malley?’
    ’It is!’
    ’This is the IRS. Can you help us?’
    ’I can!’
    ’Do you know a Ted Houlihan?’
    ’I do!’
    ’Is he a member of your congregation?’
    ’He is!’
    ’Did he donate $10,000 to the church?’
    ’He will.’
    Lemon Squeeze
    There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon entering the confessional, she said, ’Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.’
    The priest said, ’Confess your sins and be forgiven.’
    The young woman said, ’Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times.’
    The priest thought long and hard and then said, ’Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice.’
    The young woman asked, ’Will this cleanse me of my sins?’
    The priest said, ’No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face.’
  4. In Topic: Jacktee's Jokes

    24 October 2014 - 08:47 AM

    I just overheard my girlfriend telling her sister that she’s taking her retarded boyfriend to the pub tonight.
    I can’t believe the bitch is cheating on me
    Today is International Women’s Day.
    It was actually supposed to be held yesterday but they took too long to get ready.

    A handful of 7 year old children in Australia were asked what they thought of beer.
    There were some interesting responses, but the last one is especially touching.

    ’I think beer must be good. My dad says the more beer he drinks the prettier my mum gets.’
    --Tim, 7 years old

    ’Beer makes my dad sleepy and we get to watch what we want on television when he is asleep, so beer is nice.’
    --Melanie, 7 years old

    ’My Mum and Dad both like beer. My Mum gets funny when she drinks it and takes
    her top off at parties, but Dad doesn’t think this is very funny.’
    --Grady, 7 years old

    ’’My Mum and Dad talk funny when they drink beer and the more they drink the more they give kisses to each other, which is a good thing.’
    --Toby, 7 years old

    ’My Dad gets funny on beer. He is funny. He also wets his pants sometimes, so he
    shouldn’t have too much.
    --Sarah, 7 years old

    ’My Dad loves beer. The more he drinks, the better he dances.
    One time he danced right into the pool.’
    --Lily, 7 years old

    ’I don’t like beer very much. Every time Dad drinks it, he burns the sausages on the barbecue and they taste disgusting.’
    --Ethan, 7 years old

    ’I give Dad’s beer to the dog and he goes to sleep.’
    --Shirley, 7 years old

    ’My Mum drinks beer and she says silly things and picks on my father.
    Whenever she drinks beer she yells at Dad and tells him to go bury his bone down the street again, but that doesn’t make any sense.’
    --Jack, 7 years

    Husbands and Wives
    Every Wife is a "Mistress" for her Husband.
    "Miss" for one hour & "Stress" for the rest 23 hours!
    There are 2 times when a Man doesn’t understand a Woman.
    Before Marriage and After Marriage.
    My wife and I divorced over religious differences.
    She Thought she was God, and I didn’t.
    Marriage is like a public toilet.
    Those waiting outside are desperate to get in, and those inside are desperate to come out.
    Why are hurricanes usually named after women?
    Because when they arrive, they’re wet and wild, but when they go, they take your house and car..
    After drinking, Men talk unnecessarily, Become emotional,drive badly, stop thinking, fight for nothing.
    Women can do all these without drinking!
    When I was born, I was given a choice - A big dick or a good memory. I don't remember, what I chose.

    Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.

    A wife is a sex object. Every time you ask for sex, she objects.

    Impotence: Nature's way of saying 'No hard feelings...'

    There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men - 'don't' and 'stop', unless they are used together.

    Panties: Not the best thing on earth, but next to the best thing on earth.

    Virginity is not dignity, its lack of opportunity.

    Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

    Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy.

    A couple just married were happy with the whole thing. He was happy with the hole, and she was happy with the thing.

    Despite the old saying, "Don't take your troubles to bed' many men still sleep with their wives.
  5. In Topic: Jacktee's Jokes

    22 October 2014 - 10:45 AM

    Twin sisters in a Newfoundland Nursing Home were turning one hundred years old.

    The editor of the local newspaper told a photographer to get over there and take
    pictures of the two 100 year old twins. One of the twins was hard of hearing and
    the other could hear quite well.

    Once the photographer arrived he asked the sisters to sit on the sofa.

    The deaf sister said to her twin, "WHAT DID HE SAY?"
    "WE GOTTA SIT OVER THERE ON THE SOFA!", said the other.

    "Now get a little closer together," said the cameraman.

    Again, "WHAT DID HE SAY?"
    So they wiggled up close to each other.

    "Just hold on for a bit longer, I've got to focus a little," said the photographer.

    Yet again, "WHAT DID HE SAY?"

    With a big grin, the deaf twin shouted out, "OH LARD JESUS! BOTH OF US????"



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