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- 78 years old
- July 24, 1936
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Yesterday, 09:52 AMDo you break wind check list
AMBITIOUS= constantly attempts to beat his own record for loudness duration or smell
ANTISOCIAL= farts immediately after the lift doors close
ARROGANT= thinks everyone else absolutely wants to hear his farts
ATHLETIC=farts while performing a cartwheel
BEWILDERED= not sure if the fart is his or not
CARELESS= farts in church or a funeral service
CAVALIER= farts anywhere, any place any how
CHILDISH= farts then giggles
CHIVALROUS=leaves the room if ladies present
CONCEITED= think he can out fart anyone
CONFUSED=never sure whether to fart or belch
CONSIDERATE= only farts in the bathroom
DISAPPOINTED= produces only silent farts
DISHONEST= farts then blames the dog
EGOTIST= farts when alone solely for his own pleasure
ENVIRONMENTALIST=farts regularly but feels guilty about global warming
EXHIBITIONIST= lights his own farts to create a spectacular indoor firework display
GIFTED= can smell your fart and tell you what you have eaten
IMPUDENT=farts out loud then laughs
MASOCHIST=farts in bed then pulls the covers over them self’s
MISERABLE=really feels like a farting, but cant
MUSICAL=farts over a three octave range
NOSTALGIC=thinks that fating sure aint what it used to be
PHILOSOPHER=’i fart, therefore i am
POSH= calls farting flatulence or breaking wind
PREMATURE=farts suddenly without any long satisfying build up
PRUDENT=always has farts in reserve
RECKLESS=farts near a naked flame
SADIST= farts then pull the blankets over his partner
SCIENTIFIC=bottles his farts so he can analyse the gas compostion
SENSITIVE=farts then cries blaming a childhood incident for his flatulence
SENTIMENTAL=thinks about previous farts with a tear in his eye
SLOB=farts violently stains his pants and wears the same underwear for days
SNOB=will only fart a la carte
SOCIABLE= likes the smell of other peoples farts
STRATEGIC=farts but disguises it with a loud cough
SUBSERVIENT=asks for permission to fart
THESPIAN=farts and pauses dramatically for applause
THRIFTY=farts when hes cold
TIMID= is startled by his own farts
UNFORTUNATE=farts but leaves something solid in his pants
VAIN=loves the smell of his own farts
18 August 2014 - 10:52 AMREADING THE SIGNS
Wasp Nest Destroyed $30
Displayed on a tailor’s door-
Bring your repairs to this old sew and sew.
In a motorway cafe-
In the interest of hygiene please use tongues when selecting your pastries.
In a butcher shop-
All meat in this window is from local farmers killed on the premises.
Handyman to wash dishes and two waitresses.
Barmaid, must be honest and reliable until after Christmas.
After being married for 50 years, I took a careful look at my wife one day and said, "Fifty years ago we had a cheap house, a junk car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 23-year-old girl.”
“Now ... We have an £800,000 home, a £45,000 car, a nice big bed and a large-screen TV, but I’m sleeping with a 73-year-old woman. It seems to me that you’re not holding up your side of the bargain."
My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 23-year-old girl and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap house, driving a junk car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.
Aren’t older women great? They really know how to solve an old guy’s problems!
Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, ’Pour me a stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman.’ ’Oh yeah?’ said Charlie, ’And how did this one end?’ ’When it was over,’ Mike replied, ’She came to me on her hands and knees.’ ’Really,’ said Charles, ’Now that’s a thing! What did she say?’ She said, ’Come out from under the bed, you little chicken.’
A friend of mine was very depressed, he owed 500 pounds to a shark and his family were going to be kicked out on the street the following day. He drove to the edge of a cliff and parked there, his head resting on the steering wheel. All the nice people there had a whip-round and they got him his 500 pound!!.....Good thing his bus was full that day!!!
The wit of the Scots . . . A Greek and a Scotsman were sitting in a Starbucks cafe discussing who had the superior culture. Over triple lattes the Greek guy says, "Well we Greeks built the Parthenon" and arched his eyebrows.
The Scotsman replies, "Well . . . it was the Scots that discovered the Summer and Winter Solstices.
The Greek retorts, "We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics."
The Scotsman, nodding in agreement says, "Scots were the ones who built the first timepieces and calendars."
And so on until the Greek comes up with what he thinks will end the discussion. With a flourish of finality he says, "The Greeks were the ones who invented sex.
The Scotsman replies, Aye, that is true, but is was we Scots who introduced it to the women.
A very loud Texan Engineer was visiting Australia, and talking big about all of the large civil works in the USA that he was involved in. To be polite his Australian counterpart took him on a tour of some of Sydney’s larger constructions.
First he took him to Gladesville Bridge. The Texan exclaimed, "What’s that!” In reply the Australian said, "Thats the Gladesville Bridge".
"Hmmph" said the Texan, "How long and how many men did it take to build?” The Australian replied, "About 5 years with 1000 men."
The Texan replied, "Well in Texas we would've done it in 2 years with 500 men."
Next they went to the Sydney Opera House. "What's that" said the Texan. "That's the Sydney Opera House" was the reply.
"Hmmph" said the Texan, "How long and how many men did it take to build?” The Australian replied, "About 10 years with 200 men". The Texan replied "Well in Texas we would've done it in 4 years with 200 men."
By this stage the Australian was a little put out by the Texan's attitude so he decided to get some revenge, they walked around the Sydney Opera House and as they did the Sydney Harbor Bridge came into view.
Immediately the Texan exclaimed, "Wow! What's that?"
The Australian Engineer replied, "I don't know, it wasn't there yesterday."
13 August 2014 - 08:50 AMMale or Female?
Is it Male or Female? You might not have known this, but a lot of non-living objects are actually either male or female. Here are some examples...
They are male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.
These are female, because once turned off; it takes a while to warm them up again.
They are an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can also wreak havoc if you push the wrong buttons.
Tires are male, because they go bald easily and are often over inflated.
HOT AIR BALLOONS
Also a male object, because to get them to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under their butt.
These are female, because they are soft, squeezable and retain water.
Female, because they're constantly being looked at and frequently getting hit on.
Definitely male, because they always use the same old lines for picking up people.
An hourglass is female because, over time, all the weight shifts to the bottom.
Male, because in the last 5000 years, they've hardly changed at all, and are occasionally handy to have around.
THE REMOTE CONTROL
Female. Ha! You probably thought it would be male, but consider this: It easily gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know which buttons to push, he just keeps trying...
11 August 2014 - 10:37 AMONLY A MAN WOULD ATTEMPT THIS
Just try reading this without laughing till you cry!!!
Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife.
A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this:
Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer.
The effects of the Tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long term adverse affect on your assailant,
Allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety...??
WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home... I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.
AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right?
There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.
I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and then thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.
Am I wrong?
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and Tazer in another.
The directions said that:
A one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant;
A two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; and
A three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.
Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.
All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference (loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries); pretty cute really, and thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'
What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.
I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side so as to say, 'Don't do it stupid,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny lil ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it.
I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and...
HOLY MOTHER OF GOD. WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION. WHAT THE... !!!
I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs! The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.
If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a Tazer,
One note of caution:
There is NO such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor!
A three second burst would be considered conservative!
A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape.
My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace.
The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was.
My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching.
My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.
I had no control over the drooling.
Apparently I had crapped in my shorts, but was too numb to know for sure, and my sense of smell was gone.
I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head, which I believe came from my hair.
I'm still looking for my testicles and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!
PS: My wife can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift and now regularly threatens me with it!
08 August 2014 - 08:43 AMAfter watching the girls do line dancing, Michael thought, hey I can do this. So he got in line and asked one of the girls, what’s the name of this dance?
"She said I don't know; this is the line for the bathroom"
A woman goes to her boyfriend’s parents’ house for dinner. This is to be her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous. They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal. The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli casserole. The gas pains are almost making her eyes water. Left with no other choice, she decides to relieve herself a bit and lets out a dainty little fart. It wasn’t loud, but everyone at the table heard the poot. Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriend’s father looked over at the dog that had been snoozing at the women’s feet, and said in a rather stern voice, "Ginger!"
The woman thought, "this is great!" and a big smile came across her face. A couple minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain again. This time, she didn’t even hesitate. She let a much louder and longer fart rip. The father again looked at the dog and yelled, "Dammit Ginger!"
Once again the woman smiled and thought, "Yes!" A few minutes later the woman had to let another one rip. This time she didn’t even think about it. She let rip with a fart that rivaled a train whistle blowing. Again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled, "Dammit, Ginger, get away from her before she s--ts on you!
The wife & I decided to take an organised trip to Afghanistan to see for ourselves what the place was like. It didn’t start well when the train we were traveling on, broke down a few miles North of the capital. What a third world s--thole! Streets full of angry bearded types glaring at us & the Mrs stood out in her sundress as all other women had head to toe burqas. We are so dead I thought.
Anyway, Dave the organiser suddenly remembered that Finsbury Park had a tube station, so we were able to get safely to Kings Cross & on to Kabul from Heathrow
Gay Mike goes into the doctor’s office and has some tests run.
The doctor says "Mike, I am not going to beat around the bush, You have AIDS."
Mike is devastated. "Doc, what can I do?"
The doctor says "I want you to go home and eat 5 pounds of spicy sausage a head of cabbage, 20 un-peeled carrots drenched in hot sauce, 10 Jalapeno peppers, 40 walnuts and 40 peanuts, 1/2 box of Grapenuts cereal, and top it off with a gallon of prune juice."
Mike asks, "Will that cure me, Doc?"
No, but it should leave you with a better understanding of what your a-se is for
Always keep a positive attitude!!!
Thursday night he gradually came to, stiff as a board and in pain in the hospital’s ICU with tubes up his nose & down his throat, wires monitoring every function and a gorgeous nurse hovering over him. It was obvious he’d been in a serious accident.
She gave him a deep and steady heartfelt look straight in the eyes and he heard her slowly say, "You may not feel anything from the waist down."
He somehow managed to mumble in reply, "Can I feel your t*ts, then?"
NOW THAT’S A POSITIVE ATTITUDE!!!!!!
A bent-over lady hobbled into her doctors room.
Within minutes she was out again but miraculously
she was standing up straight.
A man in the waiting room who had been watching
her said in amazement,
"My, goodness what did the doc do to you?"
The old lady replied,
" He gave me a longer stick."
An old Italian man in Brooklyn is dying. He calls his grandson to his bedside, "Guido, I wan' you lissina me. I wan' you to take-a my chrome plated ...38 revolver so you will always remember me."
"But grandpa, I really don't like guns.. How about you leave me your Rolex watch instead?"
"You lissina me, boy! Somma day you gonna be runna da business, you gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big-a home and maybe a couple of bambinos. "
"Somma day you gonna come-a home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with another man. "Whatta you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, 'Times up!' "?