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Litre Club
78 years old
July 24, 1936
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jacktee   -----

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  1. In Topic: Jacktee's Jokes

    Yesterday, 10:45 AM

    Twin sisters in a Newfoundland Nursing Home were turning one hundred years old.

    The editor of the local newspaper told a photographer to get over there and take
    pictures of the two 100 year old twins. One of the twins was hard of hearing and
    the other could hear quite well.

    Once the photographer arrived he asked the sisters to sit on the sofa.

    The deaf sister said to her twin, "WHAT DID HE SAY?"
    "WE GOTTA SIT OVER THERE ON THE SOFA!", said the other.

    "Now get a little closer together," said the cameraman.

    Again, "WHAT DID HE SAY?"
    So they wiggled up close to each other.

    "Just hold on for a bit longer, I've got to focus a little," said the photographer.

    Yet again, "WHAT DID HE SAY?"

    With a big grin, the deaf twin shouted out, "OH LARD JESUS! BOTH OF US????"

  2. In Topic: Jacktee's Jokes

    21 October 2014 - 11:07 AM

    If you had purchased £1,000 of shares in Delta Airlines one year ago, you would have £49.00 today.
    If you had purchased £1,000 of shares in AIG insurance company one year ago, you would have £33.00 today..
    If you had purchased £1,000 of shares in Lehman Brothers five years ago, you would have nothing today.
    If you had purchased £1,000 of shares in Northern Rock three years ago, you would have nothing today
    But, if you had purchased £1,000 worth of beer one year ago at Tesco's, drunk all the beer, then taken the aluminium cans to the scrap metal dealer, you would have received £214.00.

    Based on the above, the best current investment plan is to drink heavily & recycle.

    A recent study found that the average Briton walks about 900 miles a year.
    Another study found that Britons drink, on average, 22 gallons of alcohol a year. That means that, on average, Britons get about 41 miles to the gallon!

    Makes you proud to be British!
  3. In Topic: Jacktee's Jokes

    20 October 2014 - 09:06 AM

    OLD IS WHEN...Your sweetie says, "Let’s go upstairs and make love," and you answer, "Honey, I can’t do both!"
    OLD IS WHEN...Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you’re barefoot.
    OLD IS WHEN...A sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door.
    OLD IS WHEN...Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.
    OLD IS WHEN...You don’t care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don’t have to go along.
    OLD IS WHEN...You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of the police.
    OLD IS WHEN..."Getting a little action" means I don’t need to take any fiber today.
    OLD IS WHEN..."Getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking lot.
    OLD IS WHEN...An "all nighter" means not getting up to pee!
    A trucker drives his fully loaded lorry to the top of a steep hill on Salisbury Plain and starts down the other side when he notices a Soldier and a Wrac having sex in the center of the road.
    He blows his horn several times, but they don’t budge.
    He slams on his brakes, and stops just inches from them.
    Getting out of the cab, madder than hell, the trucker walks to the couple, still in the road, and yells, "What the hell’s the matter with you two? Didn’t you hear me blowing the horn? You could’ve been killed!
    The Soldier on the highway looks up and says, "Look, I was coming, she was coming, and you were coming. You were the only one with brakes."
    The other day my neighbour, who is blonde, came running up to me in the driveway just jumping for joy! I didn’t know why she was jumping for joy. I thought, what the heck, and I starting jumping up and down along with her.
    She said, “Julie, I have some really great news!"
    I said, "Great. Tell me why you’re so happy."
    She stopped jumping and, breathing heavily from all the jumping up and down, told me that she was pregnant!
    I knew that she had been trying for a while so I toldher, "That’s great! I couldn’t be happier for you!"
    Then she said, "There’s more."
    I asked, "What do you mean ’more’?"
    She said, "Well, we are not having just one baby. We are going to
    have twins Amazed at how she could know so soon after getting
    pregnant, I asked her how she knew. She said...
    “That was the easy part. I went to Wal-Mart and they actually had a home pregnancy kit in a twin-pack. Both tests came out positive!”
    A policeman brought four boys before a judge.
    "They were causing an awful lot of commotion at the zoo, your Honor," he said.
    "Boys," said the judge sternly, "I never like to hear reports of juvenile delinquency.
    Now I want each of you to tell me your name and what you were doing wrong."
    "My name is George," said the first boy, "and I threw peanuts into the elephant pen."
    "My name is Pete," said the second boy, "and I threw peanuts into the elephant pen."
    "My name is Mike," said the third boy, "and I threw peanuts into the elephant pen."
    "My name is Peanuts," said the fourth boy.
    Bob came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber.
    He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, "You died in your sleep, Bob."
    Bob was stunned. "I’m dead? No, I can’t be! I’ve got too much to live for. Send me back! Please!"
    St. Peter said, "I’m sorry, but there’s only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken."
    Bob was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home....The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking,
    and pecking the ground.
    A rooster strolled past. "So, you’re the new hen, huh? How’s your first day here?"
    "Not bad," replied Bob the hen, "but I have this strange feeling inside. Like I’m gonna explode!"
    "You’re ovulating," explained the rooster. "Don’t tell me you’ve never laid an egg before?"
    "Never," said Bob.
    "Well, just relax and let it happen," says the rooster. "It’s no big deal."
    Bob did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg!
    Bob was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon laid another egg -- his joy was overwhelming.
    As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard his wife yelling.....
    "BOB, wake up for goodness sake,"You’ve just s-it the bed..!"

    CNN reported today that Walt Disney’s new film called "Jet Black," the American-African version of "Snow White,” has been canceled.
    All of the 7 dwarfs: Dealer, Stealer, Mugger, Forger, Drive-By, Home boy, and Shank have refused to sing "Hi Ho" because they say it offends black prostitutes and their sisters.
    They also say they damn sure have no intention of singing, "It’s off to work we go."

    A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards.
    The little boy asked why he wore his collar backwards.
    The man, who was a Priest, said,...’I am a Father..’
    The little boy replied, ’My Daddy doesn’t wear his collar like that.’
    The priest looked up from his book and answered, ’’I am the Father of many.’
    The boy said, ’’My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he doesn’t wear his collar that way!’
    The priest, getting impatient, said. ’I am the Father of hundreds’, and went back to reading his book.
    The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and said, "Maybe you should wear a condom, and put your pants on backwards instead of your collar."
  4. In Topic: Jacktee's Jokes

    18 October 2014 - 08:19 AM

    Farmer John once lived on a quiet rural highway, but as time went by the traffic slowly built up and eventually got so heavy and so fast that his free range chickens were being run over, at a rate of three to six a week.

    Farmer John decided to call the local police station and complain,

    "You've got to do something about all these people driving so fast and killing all my chickens" he said to the local police officer.

    "What do you want me to do?" asked the policeman.

    "I don't care, just do something about those crazy drivers!"

    So the next day the policeman had the Council erect a sign that said:


    Three days later Farmer John called the policeman and said,

    "You've still got to do something about these drivers. The ‘school crossing' sign seems to make them go even faster!"

    So again, they put up a new sign:


    That really sped them up. So Farmer John called and said,

    "Your signs are no good. Can I put up my own sign?"

    In order to get Farmer John off his back said "Sure. Put up your own sign."

    The phone calls to the Police Station stopped, but curiosity got the better of the Officer, so he called Farmer John, "How’s the problem with the speeding drivers.

    Did you put up your sign?"

    "Oh, I sure did and not one chicken has been killed.

    The policeman was really curious and thought he'd better go out and take a look at the sign.

    He also thought the sign might be something the Police could use elsewhere, to slow drivers down.. So he drove out to Farmer John's house.

    His jaw dropped the moment he saw the sign.

    Slow down and watch out for chicks!
  5. In Topic: Jacktee's Jokes

    17 October 2014 - 07:17 AM

    A truck driver is driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads “Low Bridge Ahead.” Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under it. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks around to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, “Got stuck, huh?” The truck driver says, “No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas.”
    Guy goes into a seafood restaurant and asks to see the dish of the day.

    The waiter wheels over a trolley with a large tank full of carious species, and the man examines the dishes.
    "I’ll have the little green squid with the hairy lip, please" says the man.

    An excellent choice, they have a delicate, mild flavour." replies the waiter and calls out "Gervais"

    A little French chef appears with a large knife, the
    waiter instructs the chef to kill the little green squid with the hairy lip
    Gervais is just about to slice at the poor squid when he notices a tear running down its face.
    Gervais is touched, and admits that he hasn’t the heart to kill the squid.

    "Not to worry" says the waiter, and call out "Hans" at which an enormous German bloke comes out of the kitchen.

    "Sir", says the waiter, "This is Hans, the dishwasher. Hans kill that green squid with the hairy lip!"
    The dishwasher wields a huge rolling pin and is just about to bludeon the little green squid with the hairy lip when it cringes back and gives a little cry.
    "I am sorry sir, I just cannot kill the squid" Hans admits, his lower lip trembling.

    "Well sir", says the waiter, "it just goes to show,

    That Hans that do the dishes can be soft as Gervias with mild green, hairy lip Squid.
    Just found out that my great grandfather was killed by a Zulu....he was having a s-it at Whipsnade Zoo and the roof collapsed!
    I met a girl in a nightclub and told her ’I’m going to make love to you in my bedroom, my bathroom, my kitchen and my lounge when we get back to mine’.She replied, ’Wow, let’s go, it’s good to find a man with such stamina these days’.For some reason she didn’t seem too impressed when we finally got to the caravan.!!
    Paddy goes to the patent office, having invented a new mouse trap. It consists of a ramp with a razor blade at the top, set at right angles. Below the drop is a piece of cheese.
    Patent officer: "How does it work then?"
    Paddy: "Quite straightforward. The mouse walks up the ramp. When he leans over to get the cheese his neck goes onto the razor blade and it slits his throat".
    Patent officer: "Stupid git! There wouldn’t be nearly enough pressure to slit its throat. Get out of my office and don’t come back until you’ve perfected it".
    After months of head scratching Paddy makes a single but vital modification: he removes the cheese. He proudly returns to the patent office and puts the trap on the desk.
    Patent officer: "OK, smart arse, enlighten me".
    Paddy: "Simple. Mouse walks up the ramp, leans over onto the razor blade and slits his throat..."
    Patent officer: "But that’s exactly the same as before!"
    Paddy: "No, no. This time he moves his head from side to side saying ’"where’s the cheese?
    My new girlfriend’s car got a flat TYRE as we were on our way to see my parents, so I called them up and said, "Sorry Mum, I’m going to be late, my girlfriend’s got a puncture."
    "Oh harry " she sighed. "I thought you had a real one this time."

    A Sailor and his wife decided they needed to use "a code" to indicate that they wanted to have sex without letting their children in on it.
    They decided on the word "typewriter."
    One day the Sailor told his five year old daughter, "Go tell your mummy that daddy needs to type a letter."
    The child told her mum what her dad said and her mother responded, "Tell your daddy that he can’t type a letter right now because there’s a red ribbon in the typewriter."
    The child went back to tell her father what mummy had said. A few days later the mum told the daughter, "Tell daddy that he can type that letter now."
    The child told her father, and then returned to her mother and announced, "Daddy said never mind with the typewriter, he already wrote the letter by hand.”
    Three strangers strike up a conversation in the airport lounge in Bozeman, Montana, awaiting their flights.
    One is an American Indian, passing thru from Lame Deer. Another is a cowboy on his way to Billings for a livestock show. And the third is a fundamentalist Arab student from the Middle East, newly arrived at Montana State University.
    Their discussion drifts to their diverse cultures. Soon, the two Westerners learn that the Arab is a devout, radical Muslim and the conversation falls into an uneasy lull.
    The cowboy leans back in his chair, crosses his boots on a magazine table and tips his big sweat-stained hat forward over his face. The wind outside is blowing tumbleweeds around and the old windsock is flapping, but still no plane comes.
    Finally, the American Indian clears his throat and softly speaks. “At one time here, my people were many, but sadly, now we are few."
    The Muslim student raises an eyebrow and leans forward, “Once my people were few," he sneers, "and now we are many. Why do you suppose that is?"
    The Montana cowboy shifts his toothpick to one side of his mouth, and from the darkness beneath his Stetson says in a drawl, “That’s ’cause we ain’t played Cowboys and Muslims yet, but I do believe it’s a-comin’".
    A guy was screwing this girl he had just met. After doing her hard for about five minutes she said "you want to know where some real good pussy is"? He thought that she was going to tell her about one of her friends and asked where? She said about three inches deeper.



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