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My Information

Member Title:
Litre Club
Age:
80 years old
Birthday:
July 24, 1936
Gender:
Male Male

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E-mail:
Click here to e-mail me

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jacktee   -----


Posts I've Made

  1. In Topic: Jacktee's Jokes

    Yesterday, 10:38 AM

    I dialed a number and got the following recording:
    "I am not available right now, but thank you for caring enough to call.
    I am making some changes in my life.
    Please leave a message after the
    Beep. If I do not return your call,
    You are one of the changes."


    ~~~~~


    ( I LOVE THIS ONE! )
    My wife and I had words,
    But I didn't get to use mine.



    ~~~~~



    Frustration is trying to find your glasses without your glasses.


    ~~~~~


    The irony of life is that, by the time
    You're old enough to know your way around,
    you're not going anywhere.





    ~~~~~

    God made man before woman so as to give him time to think of an answer for her first question.

    ~~~~~



    I was always taught to respect my elders,
    But it keeps getting harder to find one.


    --------------------------------------------------------------------------



    A woman asks a man who is traveling with six children, "Are all these kids yours?"
    The man replies, "No, I work in a condom factory and these are customer complaints".




    *********************************************************



    Nominated as the best short joke this year:






    A three-year-old boy was examining his testicles
    while taking a bath.
    "Mom" he asked, "are these my brains?"
    "Not yet," she replied.
  2. In Topic: Jacktee's Jokes

    16 January 2017 - 01:05 PM

    A guy goes hunting. A gust of wind blew. The gun falls over and discharges, shooting him in the genitals. Several hours later, lying in a hospital bed, he is approached by a surgeon.

    "Well sir, I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that you are going to be OK. The damage was local to your groin there was very little internal damage and we were able to remove all of the buckshot."

    “What’s the bad news?" asks the hunter.

    "The bad news is that there was some pretty extensive buckshot damage done to your penis which left quite a few holes in it. I'm going to have to refer you to my sister."

    "Well I guess that isn't too bad," the hunter replied. "Is your sister a plastic surgeon?"

    "Not exactly," answered the surgeon. "She's a flute player in the Queensland Symphony Orchestra. She's going to teach you where to put your fingers so you don't piss in your eye."
  3. In Topic: Jacktee's Jokes

    13 January 2017 - 09:53 AM

    Worried because they hadn't heard anything for days from the widow in the neighboring apartment,Mrs
    Silver said to her son,"Timmy,would you go next door and see how old Mrs Kirkland is?"
    A few minutes later,Timmy returned.
    "Well," asked Mrs Silver,"Is she alright?"
    "She's fine,except that she's mad at you."
    "At me?" the woman exclaimed."Whatever for?"
    "She said'Its none of your business how old she is."
    ------------------------------
    Husband asks: Do you know the meaning of WIFE. It means, ‘Without Information Fighting Every time’ WIFE says: No, it means ‘With Idiot for Ever’
    -------------------------------------
    Hey Sue, what do you say to a nice walk? Oh Harry, that would be lovely! Wonderful. Could you bring me some beer and cigarettes on your way back?
    -----------------------------------------
    Job interview in a psychiatry: So you’re interested in working with us. What is your experience with mentally disturbed people? I’ve been on Facebook for 5 years now. Very good, the job is yours.
    -------------------------------------------
    A bush pilot told the two hunters he was dropping off “only one moose apiece”.

    A week later he flies in and there are four moose.

    “C’mon”, says one hunter, “you can do it. After all, your brother took us last year, and we had four then too”.

    “Oh, he did, did he? Ok!”.

    Two minutes later they crash and one hunter says to the other “Where are we?”

    “Oh, about three miles further than we were last year…”
    -------------------------------

    Two blondes were discussing their automobile mechanics.
    Said one,"I was so worried that the garage mechanic might try to rip me off."
    But then I was relieved when he told me that all I needed was turn signal fluid."
    ------------------------------------
    Did you hear about the two blondes that were found frozen to death in their car at a drive-in movie theater?
    They went to see,"Closed for the Winter."
    ----------------------------
    Overhead in a busy clinic as a receptionist spoke to an obviously hard-of-hearing patient:
    "No,Mrs.Smith, not the HEARSE,I'm sending the NURSE!"
    -----------------------------------------
  4. In Topic: Jacktee's Jokes

    06 January 2017 - 10:14 AM

    Was working on a bid this morning and the numbers just wouldn't add up.

    I called my secretary in and asked her 'if I gave you twenty thousand dollars less 12.4 percent how much would you take off?'

    She said 'everything but my panties'
    ------------------------------
    Husband takes his wife to a disco. There’s a guy on the dance floor dancing like a king –moonwalking, break dancing, head spins, the works. The wife turns to her husband and sighs: "You see that man? 25 years ago he asked me to marry him and I said no." Husband says: "Yep, it looks like he’s still celebrating!!"
    -------------------------------------
    A wife complains to her husband: “Just look at that couple down the road, Roger, how lovely they are. He keeps holding her hand, kissing her, holding the door for her … Why can’t you do the same?” “Are you mad? I barely know the woman!”
    ------------------------------------------
    Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates. 'In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'If you can show me something on your person that symbolizes the spirit of Christmas I'm going to let you in. No questions asked.'
    The first guy fumbled through his pockets and pulled out his bic lighter. He flicked it on. Saint Peter said what does that have to do with the spirit of Christmas. The guy said well it's the candle they light for Jesus Birthday. Saint Peter said oh that's very good, go on in
    The second guy dug around in his pocket's for 5 minutes and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and wiggled them all around. Saint Peter said what does that have to do with the spirit of Christmas? The guy said, 'They're the bells they ring on Christmas day.' Saint Peter said 'Oh that's very clever, I like that'.
    The third guy started searching desperately through his pockets and finally after 10 minutes pulls out a pair of women's panties. St. Peter looked at the man and said whoa, whoa, I could kinda see where the other two guys were going but what the heck does a pair of women's underwear have to do with the spirit of Christmas?' The guy replied, 'They're ah, Carol's'
    ---------------------------------
    Women are so funny sometimes. They think that their long silences or “I won’t talk to you” attitudes is actually a punishment.
    -------------------------------------------
    Lisa thanks her grandpa, "Thank you Grandpa for the violin you gave me last year for Christmas. I've never got such a brilliant gift!" "Really?" asks the surprised Grandpa. Lisa says, "Oh yeah - every time I start playing, mom gives me 2 dollars so I would stop!"
    -----------------------------------
    A Blonde visited a bar for the first time, she sat close to the bar tender.

    The guy on her left ordered: "Jack Daniels, Single".

    The guy on her right ordered: "Johnny Walker, Single".

    The bar tender looked at the lady and said: "And You?"

    The blonde lady replied: "Liz Brown, Married..!!"
    --------------------------------
  5. In Topic: Jacktee's Jokes

    03 January 2017 - 09:41 AM

    I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People get out of the way much faster now.

    Gone are the days when girls used to cook like their mothers. Now they drink like their fathers.

    You know that tingly little feeling you get when you really like someone? That's common sense leaving your body.

    Old age is coming at a really bad time. When I was a child I thought “Nap Time” was a punishment. Now, as a grownup, it feels like a small vacation.

    The biggest lie I tell myself is..."I don't need to write that down; I'll remember it."

    I don't have gray hair; I have "wisdom highlights." I'm just very wise.

    If God wanted me to touch my toes, He would've put them on my knees.

    Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators. We haven't met yet.

    Of course I talk to myself; sometimes I need expert advice.

    At my age "Getting lucky" means walking into a room and remembering what I came in there for.





    I am a Seenager. (Senior teenager) I have everything that I wanted as a teenager, only 60 years later.
    I don’t have to go to school or work.
    I get an allowance every month.
    I have my own pad.
    I don’t have a curfew.
    I have a driver’s licence and my own car.
    I have ID that gets me into bars and the whisky store.
    The people I hang around with are not scared of getting pregnant.
    And I don’t have acne.

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