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- 16-December 09
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- 77 years old
- July 24, 1936
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Posts I've Made
11 December 2013 - 09:26 AMIrish Radio
On Irish radio there is a guy called Larry Gogan who has been running the "Just-a-Minute quiz" every lunchtime for years. These are actual answers from some contestants...
1) Something a blind man might use?
2) A Song with the word Moon in the title?
Blue Suede Moon
3) Name the Capital of France?
4) Name a bird with a long neck?
5) Name an occupation where you might need a torch?
6) Where is the Taj Mahal?
Opposite the dental hospital
7) What is Hitler's first name
8) As happy as.... (Larry gave a hint - think of my name)
A pig in sh*t
9) Some famous brothers
Bonnie and Clyde.
10) A dangerous race
11) Something that floats in a bath
12) An item of clothing worn by the Three Musketeers
13) Something you wear on a beach
14) A famous Royal
15) Something that flies that doesn't have an engine
A bicycle with wings
16) A famous bridge
The Bridge Over Troubled Waters
17) Something a cat does
Goes to the toilet
18) Something you do in the bathroom
19) A method of securing your home
Put the kettle on
20) Something associated with pigs
21) A sign of the Zodiac
22) Something people might be allergic to
23) Something you do before you go to bed
24) Something you put on walls
25) Something slippery
26) A kind of ache
A fillet of fish
27) A Jacket Potato topping
28) A food that can be brown or white
29) A famous Scotsman
30) A famous Welshman
31) Something you open other than a door
09 December 2013 - 10:03 AMI once knew a dental nurse who loved giving blow jobs and smoking weed.
She was known as oral high Jean.
Just had a parcel from Holland, when I opened it, it was a rubber fanny.
That's nice I thought, 'two lips from Amsterdam' !
A recent survey reported that three quarters of men don't know how to
turn on the dish washer.
I find that licking her nipples and a light gentle fingering usually
does the trick.
My girlfriend says that a small penis won’t affect our relationship.
Whether she's right or not, I'd prefer it if she didn't have one at all !
A woman is walking down the street and see's a sign in the pet shop
window reading, "FANNY LICKING FROG £25"
Curious the woman proceeds inside and says to the shop keeper, "I'd
like to see the fanny licking frog please."
To which the shop keeper replies, "Bonjour !"
I was on a train this morning, in the loo, when a voice called out
"Can I see your ticket please ?" "Not right now." I replied, "I'm
having a shit."
"I don't believe you." Said the voice. "Slide it under the door."
"No probs," I said. "The yellow bits are Sweetcorn !"
My son asked me today "What's the difference between a crow and a
I told him, "Crows have somewhat heavier beaks, fan shaped tails and
live on insects.
A blackbird has big rubbery lips, a fat arse and lives on benefits."
Everyone's a comedian nowadays. Even the paramedic who was unable to
resuscitate Whitney couldn't avoid a gag !
When he radioed dispatch he said..... "It's Houston, we have a problem !"
06 December 2013 - 10:09 AMSubject: texting is forever
Text from daughter to mom:
"Hello mom, I need your advice. I have some of my boyfriend's cum stuck in my hair. How do I get it out? Will I have to cut it out?"
Text from mom to daughter:
"It’s nice you can send me such a frank text. No, you won't have to cut it out. I've had loads of cum in my hair over the years and it will just wash out."
Daughter back to mom:
"Oh my God, mom.......... sorry, I meant to spell gum."
just a few
The mother-in-law arrives home from the shops to find her son-in-law
Paddy in a steaming rage and hurriedly packing his suitcase.
"What happened Paddy ?" she asks anxiously.
What happened!! I’ll tell you what happened. I sent an email to my wife telling her
I was coming home today from my fishing trip. I get home... and guess what I found ?
Yes, your daughter, my wife Jean, naked with Joe Murphy in our marital bed!
This is unforgivable, the end of our marriage. I’m done. I’m leaving forever!"
"Ah now, calm down, calm down Paddy!" says his mother-in-law.
"There is something very odd going on here. Jean would never do such a thing!
There must be a simple explanation.
I’ll go speak to her immediately and find out what happened."
Moments later, the mother-in-law comes back with a big smile,
"Paddy. I told you there must be a simple explanation .......she never got your E-mail!"
If my body was a car, this is the time I would be thinking about trading it in for a newer model. I’ve got bumps and dents and scratches in my finish and my paint job is getting a little dull...
But that’s not the worst of it.
My headlights are out of focus and it’s especially hard to see things up close
My traction is not as graceful as it once was. I slip and slide and skid and bump into things even in the best of weather.
My whitewalls are stained with varicose veins.
It takes me hours to reach my maximum speed. My fuel rate burns inefficiently.
But here’s the worst of it,
Almost every time I sneeze, cough or sputter,
either my radiator leaks or My Exhaust Backfires
Two guys are hitting the links at their local golf and country club. Luckily, it's a beautiful day, and there's hardly anyone on the course, so they've been breezing through the holes. Up around the seventh tee, they spot the first people on the course other than themselves, two ladies who, from the guys' perspective, are having trouble on the green. In fact, they've each five-putted it!
The first guy says ''Christ. I hope they just had a bad hole, I don't want to follow these broads for the next eleven holes!'' The second one goes, ''Well, maybe I'll go talk to them, and maybe they can let us pass them. I'll be back in a sec.''
So he trots off, about to go and ask to let them pass. Suddenly, about a hundred feet away from the women, he stops, turns and runs away from them as fast as he can. When he comes back, he exclaims, ''Jesus! That's my wife and my girlfriend! They're both here! Golfing together! I'm sorry, man, but I can't say anything to them. I'm liable to be killed if they saw me. How about you go ask them?''
So the other guy concurs, and trots off to ask the women if they can pass and get on with their game. Then he stops suddenly, spins around and runs back to his buddy in the same manner. ''What's wrong? What's the matter?'' his friend says. ''Same damn thing,'' he replies.
A Class three teacher is giving a lesson on nutrition, and she decides to ask her students what they had for breakfast.
To add a spelling component, she asks the students to also spell their answers.
Susan puts up her hand and says she had an egg, ’E-G-G’.
’Very good’, says the teacher.
Peter says he had toast ’T-O-A-S-T’.
Johnny has his hand up and the teacher reluctantly calls on him.
’I had bugger all’, he says, ’ B-U-G-G-E-R-A-L-L’.
The teacher i s mortified and scolds Johnny for his rude answer.
Later when the lesson turns to geography, she asks the students some rudimentary questions.
Susan correctly identifies the Capital of Canada.
Peter is able to tell her which ocean is off Canada ’s east coast.
When it’s Johnny’s turn, the teacher remembers his rude answer from the nutrition lesson, and decides to give him a very difficult question..
Johnny, she asks, ’Where is the Polish border?’
Johnny ponders the question and finally says, ’The Polish boarder is in bed with my mother.That’s why I got bugger all for breakfast’.
05 December 2013 - 11:26 AMHappy Birthday, have a good one
05 December 2013 - 09:32 AMThe other day I was in an empty pub having a quiet beer by myself.
The door opened and in walked the most stunning woman I've ever laid eyes on. 5'11'' tall, beautiful blue eyes, silky blonde hair, an hourglass figure.
Barely covered by a tiny mini skirt and a flimsy cotton top. I could see she was not wearing a bra and her incredibly firm breasts were on show.
After watching her walk in I turned back to my beer. No sooner had I taken a sip when I turn to see her pulling another bar stool up close to me and sat down. She said 'Hi', and I said 'Hi' in return. She asked how I was and took my hand and placed it on her perfect inner thigh, rubbing it up and down.
'So, does that make you feel good ?' she asked. 'I'll bet you feel good,' she continued. 'In fact, I'll bet you've never felt this good before.'
'Well, I have,' I corrected her. 'You see, when I was 17, I was picked to play for the school 1st. XV in the National School Finals in front of a crowd of about 3000 and I felt really good.'
I immediately felt a bit pathetic saying that and I thought she would get up and go. But she took my hand off her thigh and put it up the front of her top. Her nipple pushed into my palm as she massaged my hand into her pert, perfect breast.
'How do you feel now,' she purred.
'OK' I replied.
Again, she said, 'I'll bet you do. In fact, I'll bet you've never felt THIS good before!'
Unbelievably I heard myself saying 'Well, actually I have. In that game, we were down by six points with about 20 seconds left in the match. The Opposition kicked the ball deep into our half of the field, where I caught it. I ran up field, side-stepping past the first few defenders, handed off a couple of would-be tacklers, burst through a few forwards, chipped over their fullback, regathered and scored a try right under the posts with about 2 or 3 seconds 'til full time. We were still behind by one point, but I had a simple kick at goal to win the match.”
"Ahhh...." she growled between clenched teeth, more than a bit miffed, pulled my hand from under her top and thrust it down the front of her skirt. My fingers immediately met what felt like a wisp of soft cotton , and she was wet !
She whispered, 'Well tell me this, Mr. Rugby Man: Have you ever felt such a perfect C*%T ?'
'I certainly have,' I answered, 'I missed the kick.'