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Member Title:
Litre Club
Age:
79 years old
Birthday:
July 24, 1936
Gender:
Male Male

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jacktee   -----


Posts I've Made

  1. In Topic: Jacktee's Jokes

    27 April 2016 - 09:19 AM

    .HONEYMOON....
    A young couple left the church and arrived at the hotel where they were spending the first night of their honeymoon. They opened the champagne and began undressing. When the bridegroom removed his socks, his new wife asked, "What's wrong with your feet? Your toes look all mangled and weird.

    "I had tolio as a child," he answered.

    "You mean polio?" she asked.

    "No, tolio . The disease only affected my toes."

    When the groom took off his pants, his bride once again asked

    "What's wrong with your knees? They're all lumpy and deformed!"

    "As a child, I also had kneasles," he explained.

    "You mean measles?" she asked.

    "No, kneasles. It was a strange illness that only affected my knees."

    The new bride had to be satisfied with this answer.

    As the undressing continued, her husband at last removed his underwear.

    "Don't tell me," she said.

    "Let me guess...




    Smallcox

  2. In Topic: Jacktee's Jokes

    25 April 2016 - 10:42 AM

    Home Schooling
    I Never realised how much we all learned at home from our parents
    1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
    "If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."

    2. My mother taught me RELIGION. "You better pray that will come out of the carpet.

    3. My father taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
    "If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

    4. My father taught me LOGIC. "Because I said so, that's why."
    5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
    "If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the shop with me."
    6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
    "Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."
    7. My father taught me IRONY.
    "Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."
    8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
    "Shut your mouth and eat your supper."
    9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
    "Just you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"
    10. My mother taught me about STAMINA
    "You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."
    11. My mother taught me about WEATHER
    "This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."
    12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY. "
    If I told you once, I've told you a million times, don't exaggerate!"
    13. My father taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
    "I brought you into this world, and I can take you out..."
    14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION .
    "Stop acting like your father!"
    15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
    "There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."
    16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
    "Just wait until we get home."
    17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
    "You are going to get it from your father when you get home!"
    18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE
    "If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way."
    19. My mother taught me ESP.
    "Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"
    20. My father taught me HUMOUR.
    "When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."
    21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
    "If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."
    22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
    "You're just like your father."
    23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
    "Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"
    24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
    "When you get to be my age, you'll understand.
    25. My father taught me about JUSTICE
    "One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you
  3. In Topic: Jacktee's Jokes

    22 April 2016 - 08:33 AM

    Paddy decides to take up boxing and goes for the required medical.

    A few days later the doctor ‘phones and says “Paddy, you realise

    you’ve got sugar diabetes.”

    Paddy says, “Nice one, when do I fight him?”
    ...........................................................................

    It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Cokey. But I’ve turned

    myself around and that’s what it’s all about.
    ...........................................................................

    An Irishmen wanting to become a Priest went to see the Bishop who said

    "You must answer 3 questions on the Bible".

    "1st - Who was born in a stable?"

    "Red Rum" he replied

    "2nd - What do you think of Damascus ?"

    "It kills 99% of all germs" he replied.

    "3rd - What happened when the disciples went to Mount Olive ?"

    "That’s easy" he said "Popeye kicked the sh*t out of them!!"
    ...........................................................................

    Little boy gets home from school and says "Dad, I've got a part in the

    school play as a man who's been married for 25 years."

    His Dad replies "Never mind Son. Maybe next time you'll get a speaking
    part!!"
    ...........................................................................

    A dwarf goes to a very good but very busy doctor and asks

    "I know you are busy but do you treat dwarves?"

    The doctor replies "Yes, but you will have to be a little patient".
    ...........................................................................

    In hindsight I should have posted my Facebook status as:

    "I've blown the head gasket on my 1997 XR3i" rather than "I've just

    buggered a 14 year old escort".

    The police still haven't seen the funny side, my lap top's been confiscated

    and the wife has gone off to her mother.
    ...........................................................................

    Police have just released details of a new drug craze that is being

    carried out in Yorkshire nightclubs.

    Apparently, Yorkshire club goers have started injecting Ecstasy just

    above their front teeth. Police say the dangerous practice is called "e

    by gum"
    ...........................................................................

    A Yorkshire man takes his cat to the vet.
    Yorkshireman:

    "Ayup, lad, I need to talk to thee about me cat."

    Vet: "Is it a tom?"

    Yorkshireman: "Nay, I've browt it with us."

    ............................................................................

    A Yorkshireman's dog dies and as it was a favourite pet he decides

    to have a gold statue made by a jeweller to remember the dog by.

    Yorkshireman: "Can tha mek us a gold statue of yon dog?"

    Jeweller: "Do you want it 18 carat?"

    Yorkshireman: "No I want it chewin' a bone yer daft bugger!"
    ............................................................................

    Bloke from Barnsley with piles asks chemist "Nah then lad, does

    tha sell arse cream?"

    Chemist replies "Aye, Magnum or Cornetto?"
  4. In Topic: Jacktee's Jokes

    18 April 2016 - 11:41 AM

    Shay, buddy, whats a Breathalyzer?" asked one drunk to his friend at the next bar stool. "Well, Id have to say that its a bag that tells you when you've drunk way too much," answered the equally wasted gent. "Ah hell, whaddya know? I've been married to one of those for years!"
    ----------------------------------
    A man and his wife moved back home to Cavan, from London.The wife had a wooden leg and to insure it in Britain was £2,000 a year!
    When they arrived in Bailieborough, they went to an Insurance agency to see how much it would cost to insure the wooden leg.
    The agent looked it up on the computer and said to the couple, '€39.00.'
    The husband was shocked and asked why it was so cheap here in Ireland to insure, because it cost him £2,000 in England!
    The agent turned his computer screen to the couple and said, 'Well, here it is on the screen,it says:
    *Any wooden structure, with a sprinkler system over it, is €39.00.*
    --------------------------------------
    The huge college freshman decided to try out for the football team. "Can you tackle?" asked the coach. "Watch this," said the freshman, who proceeded to run smack into a telephone pole, shattering it to splinters. "Wow," said the coach. "I'm impressed. Can you run?" "Of course I can run," said the freshman. He was off like a shot, and, in just over nine seconds, he had run a hundred yard dash. "Great!" enthused the coach. "But can you pass a football?" The freshman hesitated for a few seconds. "Well, sir," he said, "if I can swallow it, I can probably pass it."
    ------------------------------------------
    Bill: Jesus Mike, I heard you had another kid...didn't you have a vasectomy after the last one? Why did she end up pregnant again?

    Mike: She says she called the Dr and he told her we must have gotten the other kind by accident and there is nothing that can be done. She said she called several Drs who said the same thing so I should just let it go and dont bother the Dr.

    Bill: The other kind?

    Mike: Yeah, We wanted the kind that keeps her from getting pregnant, but apparently we got the kind that only changes the color of the baby!

    ---------------------------------------------------
    HELGA'S CRUISE SHIP DIARY
    DEAR DIARY - DAY 1
    All packed for the cruise ship -- all my nicest dresses, swimsuits, short sets. Really, really exciting. Our local Red Hat chapter - The Late Bloomers decided on this "all-girls" trip. It will be my first one - and I can't wait!
    --------------------------------------
    DEAR DIARY - DAY 2
    Entire day at sea, beautiful. Saw whales and dolphins. Met the Captain today -- seems like a very nice man.
    -----------------------------------------
    DEAR DIARY - DAY 3
    At the pool today. Did some shuffleboard, hit golf balls off the deck. The Captain invited me to join him at his table for dinner. Felt honored and had a wonderful time. He is very attractive and attentive.
    -----------------------------------------
    DEAR DIARY - DAY 4
    Won $800.00 in the ship's casino. The Captain asked me to have dinner with him in his own cabin. Had a scrumptious meal complete with caviar and champagne. He asked me to stay the night, but I declined. Told him I could not be unfaithful to my husband.
    -----------------------------------------
    DEAR DIARY - DAY 5
    Pool again today. Got sunburned, and I went inside to drink at piano-bar, stayed there for rest of day. The Captain saw me, bought me several large drinks. Really is quite charming. Again asked me to visit his cabin for the night. Again I declined. He told me, if I did not let him have his way with me, he would sink the ship... I was shocked.
    -----------------------------------------
    DEAR DIARY - DAY 6
    Today I saved 2600 lives.
    - -
    - -
    Twice
    ----------------------------------------------
    Mrs Williams, from the valleys, was a dreadful hypochondriac.
    She was forever pestering the doctor for a cure from her latest problem.
    Dr Glyn merely prescribed an aspirin for her but called it by a different
    name each time. Eventually the inevitable happened: she had a massive heart attack
    and, sadly, died. The doctor was so shocked that he collapsed and died of a heart attack also
    . As chance would have it they were buried in the little village churchyard in adjacent plots
    . Two days later the doctor heard knocking on his coffin;
    smiley: tonguesmiley: tonguesmiley: tongue
    "Hello, Doctor Glyn. This is Mrs Williams, do you have anything for worms?"
    --------------------------------------
  5. In Topic: Jacktee's Jokes

    15 April 2016 - 08:53 AM

    What is meant by the modern term referred to as ‘POLITICAL CORRECTNESS’. Someone found this definition in 4 telegrams at the Truman Library and Museum in Independence Missouri. The following are copies of four telegrams between President Harry Truman and Gen Douglas MacArthur on the day before the actual signing of the WWII Surrender Agreement in September 1945. The contents of those telegrams below are exactly as received at the end of the war - not a word has been added or deleted!

    (1) Tokyo,Japan
    0800-September 1,1945
    To: President Harry S Truman
    From: General D A MacArthur
    Tomorrow we meet with those yellow-bellied bastards and sign the Surrender Documents, any last minute instructions?

    (2) Washington, D C
    1300-September 1, 1945
    To: D A MacArthur
    From: H S Truman
    Congratulations, job well done, but you must tone down your obvious dislike of the Japanese when discussing the terms of the surrender with the press, because some of your remarks are fundamentally not politically correct!

    (3) Tokyo, Japan
    1630-September 1, 1945
    To: H S Truman
    From: D A MacArthur and C H Nimitz
    Wilco Sir, but both Chester and I are somewhat confused, exactly what does the term politically correct mean?

    (4) Washington, D C
    2120-September 1, 1945
    To: D A MacArthur/C H Nimitz
    From: H S Truman
    Political Correctness is a doctrine, recently fostered by a delusional, illogical minority and promoted by a sick mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a piece of shit by the clean end!

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