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Litre Club
78 years old
July 24, 1936
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jacktee   -----

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  1. In Topic: Jacktee's Jokes

    23 January 2015 - 10:02 AM

    What Is Couple Sex?

    All you Grandpas and Grandmas, this is too funny not to forward.
    We are all reaching that stage where we need to keep the wax out of our ears and keep the hearing aids tuned up. Enjoy!

    What Is Couple Sex?--- An 8-year-old girl went to her grandfather, who was working in the yard and asked him, "Grampa, what is couple sex?"
    The grandfather was surprised that she would ask such a question, but decided that if she's old enough to know to ask the question, then she's old enough to get a straight answer. Steeling himself to leave nothing out, he proceeded to tell
    her all about human reproduction and the joys and responsibilities of intercourse.
    When he finished explaining, the little girl was looking at him with her mouth hanging open, eyes wide in amazement.
    Seeing the look on her face, the grandfather asked her, "Why did you ask this question, honey?"
    The little girl replied, "Grandma says that dinner will be ready in just a couple secs."
  2. In Topic: Jacktee's Jokes

    21 January 2015 - 10:07 AM

    Little Johnny had a cussing problem and his father was getting tired of it.
    He decided to ask his shrink what to do. The shrink said "Since Christmas is coming up, you should ask Johnny what he wants Santa to bring him. If he cusses while he tells you his wish list, leave a pile of dog poop in place of the gifts he requests."
    Two days before Christmas, Johnny’s father asked him what he wanted for Christmas.

    "I want a damn teddy-bear laying right beside me when I wake up. When I go downstairs I want to see a damn train going around the damn tree. And when I go outside I want to see a damn bike leaning up against the damn garage."

    Christmas morning, Litttle Johnny rolled over in bed into a pile of dog poop.
    Confused, he walked downstairs and saw another pile under the tree.
    Scratching his head, he walked outside and saw a huge pile of dog poop by the garage. When Johnny walked back inside with a curious look on his face.
    Dad smiled and asked, "What did Santa bring you this year?"

    Johnny replied,
    "I think I got a dog but I can’t find the son-of-a-bitch."
    The Police followed a Horse box for three miles doing 60 m.p.h in a 30 mile area . when stopped and asked why he was speeding Paddy said "I’m sorry officer but I am very late getting to the Ascot races" the policeman said "My colleague has looked in the back of your horse box and tells me that is empty" Paddy answered "Ah well officer you see oim taking the Non runners"
    A Bloke goes to a female dentist to have a tooth extracted.
    She pulled out a large syringe to give an anaesthetic shot.
    "No way, no needles! I hate needles!" the bloke said.
    So she started to hook up the nitrous tank, and said, "I can’t do the gas thing, just the thought of having a mask on my face suffocates me!"

    The dentist then asked the patient if he had any objections to taking a pill. "No" he says, "I’m fine with pills".
    The dentist then gives him two little blue pills and he swallowed them. "What were those"? he asked.
    "Viagra" she replied.
    "I’ll be damned" said the patient, "I didn’t know Viagra worked as a pain killer."
    "It doesn’t," she said, But it will give you something to hold on to when I pull your tooth out."
    Safe at Home.

    I’ve torn out my alarm system and de-registered from the Neighbourhood Watch.

    I’ve got two Pakistani flags raised in my front garden, one at each corner and the black flag of ISIS in the centre.

    The Local police, FBI and other intelligence services are all watching my house 24/7

    i’ve never felt safer.
    Doctor: I’m sorry to have to tell you that you may have rabies, and it could prove fatal. Patient: Well, doctor, please give me pencil and paper. Doctor: To make your will? Patient: No, to make a list of people I want to bite.
    Doctor Bob slept with one of his patients and afterwards was racked with guilt. he could not eat or sleep.
    A voice inside his head kept saying you are not the first man to do this, you are only human..
    Another voice kept also saying you have broken your ethical code and what have done is disgraceful.
    Finally he decided to end it all and phoned his Mother to tell her he was leaving the practice and going away for ever.
    His Mother said "Why, I don’t understand Son,
    you are such a fine Vet"
    While she was ’flying’ down the road yesterday, a woman passed over a bridge only to find a copper with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait.

    The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car with that classic patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked, "What is your hurry?"

    To which she replied, "I’m late for work."

    "Oh yeah" said the cop, "What do you do?"

    "I’m a rectum stretcher" she responded.

    The cop stammered, "A what"?
    "And just what does a rectum stretcher do?"

    "Well" she said, "I start by inserting one finger in the rectum, then work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surly stretch it, until it’s about 6 feet,"

    "And just what the hell do you do with a six foot asshole?" he asked.

    "You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge".

    Traffic Ticket. $398.00

    Court Costs $45.00.

    Look on Cop’s face......PRICELESS.

    For everything else, there’s MasterCard.
  3. In Topic: Jacktee's Jokes

    19 January 2015 - 09:25 AM

    The true story as told by Hillary Clinton:

    "Some years ago, nearing dinner time at the White House,
    our regular cook fell ill and they had to get a replacement on short notice.
    He wasn't the smartest looking guy, in fact he seemed a bit dirty.
    The President voiced his concerns to his Chief of Staff but was told​
    that this was the best they could do on such short notice.

    "Just before the meal, Bill noticed the cook sticking his finger in​
    the soup to taste it and again complained to the Chief Of Staff, but​
    he was assured that many chefs did that.
    "Dinner went okay, although Bill thought that the soup tasted a little
    funny. By the time dessert came, he started to have stomach cramps and​
    nausea. It was getting worse and worse until finally the President had​
    to excuse himself.

    "By now, he was desperately ill with violent cramps and was so​
    disorientated that he couldn't remember which door led to the​
    bathroom. He was on the verge of passing out from the pain when he​
    finally found a door that opened.

    "As he unzipped his trousers and ran in, he realized to his horror​
    that he had stumbled into Monica Lewinsky's office with his trousers​
    around his knees. As he was about to pass out, this naive girl bent over him​
    and heard the President whisper in a barely audible voice:

    "Sack my cook"

    "And that is how the whole misunderstanding occurred."
  4. In Topic: Jacktee's Jokes

    16 January 2015 - 09:24 AM

    Alleged to have happened at an Underground station in London.

    There were protesters on the concourse handing out pamphlets on the evils of Britain.

    I politely declined to take one.

    An elderly lady behind me was getting off the escalator and a young female protester offered her a pamphlet, which the lady also politely declined.

    The young protester put her hand on the woman's shoulder as a gesture of friendship and in a very soft voice said, “Madam, don't you care about the
    children of Syria, Afghanistan and Iraq ?”

    The elderly lady looked up at her and said, “My dear, my Father died in France during World War 2, I lost my husband in the Korean conflict and my grandson in Afghanistan.

    All three died so you could have the right to stand here and bad-mouth our country, so,

    if you touch me again, I'll stick this umbrella right up your arse and open it.”
  5. In Topic: Jacktee's Jokes

    14 January 2015 - 12:46 PM

    Two deputies in the Sheriff's Office, one who had been in town for ten years and the other who had just transferred, answered an emergency call. When they walked into the house, they found the nude bodies of a man and a woman in the bedroom. They had been shot to death. When they went to the living room, they found the body of a man with a gun at his side.

    "No doubt about it," the new deputy said, "This was a double murder and suicide. This guy came home and found his wife in bed with somebody else and shot them both. Then he shot himself."

    "You're right," the experienced deputy replied. "But I'll bet you when the sheriff gets here he's going to say, 'it could have been worse'."

    "No way. You're on."

    The old sheriff arrived at the scene. "No doubt about it," the sheriff said, shaking his head. "It was a double murder and suicide." After hesitating for a moment, the old sheriff looked his deputies in the eyes.

    "But, you know," he said, "it could have been worse."

    The deputy who had lost the bet jumped up and shouted, "Sheriff, how could it have been worse? There are three people in this house, and all three of them are dead. It couldn't have been worse."

    "Yes, it could," the sheriff retorted. "You see that guy there on the floor? If he had come home yesterday, that would be me!"



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