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My Information

Member Title:
Litre Club
Age:
80 years old
Birthday:
July 24, 1936
Gender:
Male Male

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E-mail:
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jacktee   -----


Posts I've Made

  1. In Topic: Jacktee's Jokes

    23 June 2017 - 01:41 PM

    A young couple were on their honeymoon. The husband was sitting in the bathroom on the edge of the bathtub saying to himself, "Now how can I tell my wife that I've got really smelly feet and that my socks absolutely stink? I've managed to keep it from her while we were dating, but she's bound to find out sooner or later that my feet stink. Now how do I tell her?"

    Meanwhile, the wife was sitting in the bed saying to herself, "Now how do I tell my husband that I've got really bad breath? I've been very lucky to keep it from him while we were courting, but as soon as he's lived with me for a week, he's bound to find out. Now how do I tell him gently?"

    The husband finally plucks up enough courage to tell his wife and so he walks into the bedroom. He walks over to the bed, climbs over to his wife, puts his arm around her neck, moves his face very close to hers and says, "Darling, I've a confession to make."
    And she says, "So have I, love."
    To which he replies, "Don't tell me, you've eaten my socks!"
    ------------------------------------------
    I shouted at my wife while she was in labor: "Push honey! Come on and push! You have to push harder!" She said: “Stop talking to me you cretin!” I mean what did she expect? It's an old car and if she wants to get to the hospital we need to get it started somehow...
    ------------------------------------------
    I met a pretty lady at a bar last night...she had a glass eye. But she had to leave early so when I kissed her good night, her glass eye popped out. When I asked to see her again, she replied "I'll keep an eye out for you"
    --------------------------------
    A fat chick was dancing on a table...I said Wow..awesome legs ! She replied Well thank you !
    I said I was talking about the table,,,I cant believe they are holding up under a load like that.
    ----------------------------
    A fat chick came up to me and said Hey, Your pretty cute ! Got a phone number?
    I asked her if she had a pen and she said SURE !
    I told her she better go back to it before the farmer notices she was missing.
    --------------------------------
    I sat next to two fat chicks at the bar and was listening to them talk and after a while I asked Are you two ladies from Ireland ?
    one said It's Wales you idiot
    So I asked OH, are you two whales from Ireland ?
    ----------------------------------
    After a couple of conversations n drinks, I invited her to my apartment.
    I couldn't ask her directly if she's was going to stay over so I threw a question at her:
    "How would you like your eggs in the morning?"
    The smartass replied: "Unfertilized"
    -----------------------------
  2. In Topic: Jacktee's Jokes

    19 June 2017 - 11:59 AM

    There was a guy who had been having chronic trouble in trying to get an erection. After weeks of frustration, he finally breaks down and and goes to the doctor. The doctor gives him a thorough examination and finally makes the diagnosis.

    "Well, there's good news and there's bad news," she says.

    "The bad news is that the muscles around your penis are deteriorating, and there is no cure."

    The guy, on the verge of panic, finally regains his composure. "So what's the good news?" he asks.

    The doctor says, "There is an experimental treatment available, but there are no guarantees. It involves transplanting the muscles from a baby elephant's trunk into your penis. Would you like to try it?"

    The guy thinks about it and finally says, "Well, the thought of going through life without being able to have sex is just too much for me. What have I got to lose? Let's do it." So the doctor performs the operation.

    A few weeks later, the guy takes his girlfriend out to a nice restaurant to celebrate his new equipment. While sitting at the table, he feels a stirring between his legs; it gets progressively worse until it reaches the point of being painful.

    Seeking relief, he reaches down and unzips his fly to relieve some of the pressure.

    Suddenly, his penis leaps free from his pants, slides over the tabletop and grabs a dinner roll, then returns to his pants again.

    "Wow!" says his stunned girlfriend, "That was impressive! Can you do that again?"

    Eyes watering and face flushed, he says, "Probably... but I don't know if I can fit another dinner roll up my ass!"
  3. In Topic: Jacktee's Jokes

    16 June 2017 - 08:15 AM

    An elderly couple goes to their favorite restaurant they’ve been visiting together for decades. The man addresses his wife with all sorts of endearments, calling her his darling, sweetheart, his treasure etc. When the lady excuses herself and goes to the bathroom, the waiter comments to the man, “Wow, you have an amazing relationship with your wife, all those lovely names you call her…” The man looks at him, “To be honest, it has become a necessity. I actually forgot her name about 3 years ago.”
    -------------------------------------------
    These two hunters went moose hunting every year without success.
    Finally they came up with a foolproof plan. (emphasis on fool)

    They got themselves a very authentic cow moose costume and learned the
    mating call of a cow moose. The plan was to hide in the costume, lure in the bull, then come out of the costume and shoot the bull.

    So, they set themselves up on the edge of a clearing, in their costume, and began to give the moose love call. Before too long their call was answered by bull in the forest.

    They called again, the bull answered closer to them. They called again, The bull answered, and came crashing out of the forest and into the clearing. As the bulls' pounding hoof beats got closer the guy in front said, "OK, lets get out and get him"!

    After a moment, that seemed like an eternity, the guy in the back shouts -
    "THE ZIPPER IS STUCK, WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO!?!"

    The front guy says, "Well, I'm gonna start nibbling grass,
    but you better start to "brace yourself!"
    ----------------------------------------
    Two guys are on duty at a french foreign legion fort. One says to the other one, "See that camel over there? I'll bet you I can make him jump 30 feet in the air.

    The other guy says "No way".

    The first guy walks around to the back of the camel with two bricks, reaches in between the camel's legs and crashes the bricks together. The camel jumps 30 feet in the air.

    A couple of days later the first guy says to the second guy, "I bet you I can make that camel nod his head yes, then shake his head no."

    The second guy says, "You got me last time, but there's no way you can make that dumb animal nod his head yes then shake it no."

    The first guy takes the same two bricks, walks around to the front of the camel, holds up the bricks and says, "Remember what I did last time?". (Camel nods). "Want me to do it again?"
    ---------------------------------------------------
    Subject: The girl across the street.


    She's single... She lives right across the street. I can see her place from my kitchen window.

    I watched as she got home from work this evening. I was surprised when she walked across the street, up my driveway, and knocked on the door.

    I opened the door, she looked at me and said, "I just got home, and I have this strong urge to have a good time, dance, get drunk, and get laid tonight.

    Are you doing anything?" I quickly replied, "Nope, I'm free!"

    "Great," she said. "Can you look after my dog?"

    Being a senior citizen really sucks!
    ----------------------------------

    Heaven is...

    when the French are the cooks,
    the Italians are the lovers,
    the British are the police,
    the Germans are the mechanics
    and the Swiss run the hotels.

    Hell is...

    when the British are the cooks,
    the Swiss are the lovers,
    the Italians are the mechanics,
    the French run the hotels
    and the Germans are the police.
    ----------------------------------------------
  4. In Topic: Jacktee's Jokes

    12 June 2017 - 10:37 AM

    The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over sixty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."

    "Yes", she says, "I remember it well." "OK," he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?" "Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!"

    A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle, he thinks to himself, "I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble." So he follows them.

    The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence.

    The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.

    The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.

    After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.

    So, as the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?" Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, "Sixty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."
  5. In Topic: Jacktee's Jokes

    09 June 2017 - 08:24 AM

    An elderly couple goes to their favorite restaurant they’ve been visiting together for decades. The man addresses his wife with all sorts of endearments, calling her his darling, sweetheart, his treasure etc. When the lady excuses herself and goes to the bathroom, the waiter comments to the man, “Wow, you have an amazing relationship with your wife, all those lovely names you call her…” The man looks at him, “To be honest, it has become a necessity. I actually forgot her name about 3 years ago.”
    -------------------------------------------
    These two hunters went moose hunting every year without success.
    Finally they came up with a foolproof plan. (emphasis on fool)

    They got themselves a very authentic cow moose costume and learned the
    mating call of a cow moose. The plan was to hide in the costume, lure in the bull, then come out of the costume and shoot the bull.

    So, they set themselves up on the edge of a clearing, in their costume, and began to give the moose love call. Before too long their call was answered by bull in the forest.

    They called again, the bull answered closer to them. They called again, The bull answered, and came crashing out of the forest and into the clearing. As the bulls' pounding hoof beats got closer the guy in front said, "OK, lets get out and get him"!

    After a moment, that seemed like an eternity, the guy in the back shouts -
    "THE ZIPPER IS STUCK, WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO!?!"

    The front guy says, "Well, I'm gonna start nibbling grass,
    but you better start to "brace yourself!"
    ----------------------------------------
    Two guys are on duty at a french foreign legion fort. One says to the other one, "See that camel over there? I'll bet you I can make him jump 30 feet in the air.

    The other guy says "No way".

    The first guy walks around to the back of the camel with two bricks, reaches in between the camel's legs and crashes the bricks together. The camel jumps 30 feet in the air.

    A couple of days later the first guy says to the second guy, "I bet you I can make that camel nod his head yes, then shake his head no."

    The second guy says, "You got me last time, but there's no way you can make that dumb animal nod his head yes then shake it no."

    The first guy takes the same two bricks, walks around to the front of the camel, holds up the bricks and says, "Remember what I did last time?". (Camel nods). "Want me to do it again?"
    ---------------------------------------------------
    Subject: The girl across the street.


    She's single... She lives right across the street. I can see her place from my kitchen window.

    I watched as she got home from work this evening. I was surprised when she walked across the street, up my driveway, and knocked on the door.

    I opened the door, she looked at me and said, "I just got home, and I have this strong urge to have a good time, dance, get drunk, and get laid tonight.

    Are you doing anything?" I quickly replied, "Nope, I'm free!"

    "Great," she said. "Can you look after my dog?"

    Being a senior citizen really sucks!
    ----------------------------------

    Heaven is...

    when the French are the cooks,
    the Italians are the lovers,
    the British are the police,
    the Germans are the mechanics
    and the Swiss run the hotels.

    Hell is...

    when the British are the cooks,
    the Swiss are the lovers,
    the Italians are the mechanics,
    the French run the hotels
    and the Germans are the police.
    ----------------------------------------------

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