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Member Title:
Litre Club
Age:
80 years old
Birthday:
July 24, 1936
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jacktee   -----


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  1. In Topic: Jacktee's Jokes

    Yesterday, 10:14 AM

    A golfer hit his shot into a garden of a house on the borders of the coarse.
    When he got the point where the ball went into the garden he put his bag down on the edge of the fairway and walked over to the fence as he got there the house owner came out and stood over the ball the golfer said sorry but could i have the ball back, the house owner replied no you can't that ball is in my garden so it belongs to me the golfer said ok fair enough and walk back to his bag took out another ball walk back to the fence and tossed the ball over to the house owners feet who said why did you do that to which the golfer replied i'm a gentleman and i believe every prick should have two ball's.
    --------------------------------------------
    An Old man who has had a Dolls repair shop for many years is doing his Annual stocktaking, climbing up a ladder to reach a box of glass eyes he pulls it down and accidentally swallows one The following week he is getting stomach pains so goes to the Doctors. after a brief examination the Doc. says "Drop your Trousers and bend over" This the Old man does this. the Doctor then says "Mr. Jones, we MUST trust each other"
    --------------------------------------------
    A tough old sheep farmer from Scotland gave his grand-daughter some advice when she inquired about his longevity.

    He told her that the secret to a long and healthy life was to sprinkle a pinch of gun-powder on her porridge each morning.
    The grand-daughter followed this advice religiously until her death at the grand old age of 103.

    She left behind 14 children, 30 grand-children, 45 great grand-children, 25 great, great grand-children and

    A forty foot deep hole where the crematorium used to be.
    ----------------------------------------------
    A smart-arsed teenager at the back of the room raised his hand and asked.
    "What would happen if I came in tomorrow suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"
    The entire class was reduced to laughter and sniggering.
    When silence was restored, the teacher smiled at the student, shook her head and sweetly said, "Well, I would expect you to write the exam with your other hand."..
    ------------------------------------------------
    , A young lads mum told her son if he didn't stop masturbating he would go blind, after a while the young lad asked his mum, "Can I do it a little bit and wear glasses?"
    -----------------------------------------
    Three men were sitting around bragging about how they had given their new wives duties. The first man had married a Catholic woman and bragged that he had told his wife she was to do all the dishes and house cleaning that needed doing at their house. He said it took a couple days, but on the third day he came home to a clean house and the dishes were all washed and put away. The second man had married a Mormon woman. He bragged that he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, the dishes and the cooking. He told them the first day he didn't see any results, but the next day it was better. By the third day, the house was clean, the dishes were done, and he had a huge dinner on the table. The third man had married a Jewish girl. He boasted that he told her that her duties were to keep the house clean, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry done and hot meals on the table, every day. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything, but by the third day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye.
    0}' ng-click="forumPost.voteOnForumPost(1)">1 <>•Reply With Quote•Edit•Link • Share • Report [Reported] • Delete

    An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walk into a pub. They proceed to each buy a pint of Guinness. Just as they were about to enjoy their creamy beverage a fly landed in each of their pints and became stuck in the thick head. The Englishman pushed his beer away from him in disgust. The Irishman fished the offending fly out of his beer and continued drinking it as if nothing had happened. The Scotsman too, picked the fly out of his drink, held it out over the beer and then started yelling: "SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT YOU BASTARD!!!"
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    After having their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough (they could not afford a larger double wide). So, the husband went to his doctor (who also treated mules) and told him that he and his wife/cousin didn't want to have any more children. The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem. The doctor instructed him to go home, get a cherry bomb (fireworks are legal in Alabama), light it, put it in a beercan, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10. The Alabamian said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest man, but don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me." So, the couple drove to Georgia to get a second opinion. The Georgia physician was just about to tell them about the procedure for a vasectomy when he noticed that they were from Alabama. This doctor instead told the man to go home and get a cherry bomb, light it, place it in a beer can, hold it to his ear and count to 10. Figuring that both learned physicians couldn't be wrong, the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count. "1, 2, 3, 4, 5 . . . .", at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and resumed counting on his other hand.... Also works in Tennessee and West Virginia.
    ----------------------------------------------
    Dad comes home from work and Mother says Will you please have word with young Tom as he seems to be spending all his time in that Bathroom, all i can hear is a rythmic thumping and tiles are falling off of the wall, his school work is suffering. Dad says It's quite obvious he is ""Bashing his Bishop" all young lads at his age do it but i will go up to his Bedroom riight now and put him straight
    Dad knocks on his sons door and goes in, Hello Son, Now I want a serious word with you, your Mam tells me that you are soending most waking hours "Pulling your Plonker", Well i will tell you now Face to Face Son it's no good for you, If you persist doing it it will seriously damage your eyesight. The Lad answers "You are talking to the Wardrobe Dad, I am over by the bed"
    ---------------------------------------------
  2. In Topic: Jacktee's Jokes

    20 February 2017 - 11:39 AM

    Some School exam papers.

    Geography.
    Q: Name the four seasons.
    A: Salt, pepper, mustard, and vinegar.

    Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
    A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutant like grit,
    sand, dead sheep, and canoeists.

    Q: How is dew formed.
    A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

    Q: What causes the tides in the oceans.
    A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends
    to flow towards the moon because there is no water on the Moon and
    Nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.

    Sociology
    Q: What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on.
    A: If you are buying a house they will insist you are well endowed.

    Q: In a democratic society how important are elections.
    A: Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election

    Q: What are steroids.
    A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.

    Biology.
    Q: What happens to your body as you age.
    A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.

    Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty.
    A: He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.

    Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
    A: Premature death.

    Q: What is artificial insemination.
    A: When the farmer does it to the cow instead of the bull.

    Q: How can you delay milk turning sour.
    A:: Keep it in the cow (He got an A)

    Q: How are the main parts of the body catergorised. (e.g abdomen)
    A: The body is consisted into three parts- the brainium, the borax, the abdominal cavity.
    The brainium contains the brain,the borax contains the heart and lungs, and
    the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A,E,I,O,U.


    Q: What is the Fibula.
    A: A small lie.

    Q: What is the most common form of birth control.
    A: Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium.

    Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarean Section".
    A: The caesarean section is a district in Rome.

    Q: What is a seizure.
    A: A Roman Emperor.

    Q: What is a terminal illness.
    A: When you are sick at the airport.

    English.
    Q: Use the word "judicious" in a sentence to show you understand its meaning.
    A: Hands that judicious can be soft as your face.

    Q: What does the word "benign" mean.
    A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.

    Technology.
    Q: What is a turbine.
    A: Something an Arab or Sheikh wears on his head.
  3. In Topic: Jacktee's Jokes

    17 February 2017 - 10:32 AM

    A doctor and an engineer loved the same girl. Doctor used to give her a rose daily and engineer used to give the girl an apple. Girl got confused and asked engineer: There is a meaning of giving rose in Love, Why are you giving apple ? Engineer answered: Because "An apple a day keeps the doctor away".
    ---------------------------------------
    Sometimes you just hear what you want to hear.

    At a travel agency in Shanghai, I asked the Chinese girl behind the counter if she could escort me on a city tour and asked her for her mobile number so I could call her to make arrangements.

    She gave me a big smile, nodded her head and said, "Sex sex sex, wan free sex for tonight".

    I replied, "Wow, you Chinese women are really hospitable!

    A guy standing next to me overheard, tapped me on the shoulder and said, "What she really said was: 666136429."
    ----------------------------------
    A man walked into a crowded bar waving a pistol and yelled .........
    "I have a 45 calibre Colt with a 7 round magazine, plus one in the chamber,
    and I want to know who's been sleeping with my wife".

    A voice from the back of the room called out...........
    "You'll need more ammo !"
    --------------------------------------------
    A woman was enjoying a good game of Golf with her girlfriends.

    "Oh, NO..!" she suddenly exclaimed.

    "Look at the time..! I have to rush home and fix dinner for my husband.

    He'll be so annoyed if it's not ready on time."

    When she got home, she discovered all she had in the fridge was a wilted lettuce leaf, an egg and a can of Cat food.

    With no time to go to the supermarket, she opened the can of Cat food, stirred in the egg and garnished it with the lettuce leaf.

    She greeted her husband warmly when he came home, and then watched in horror as he sat down to his dinner.

    To her surprise, he seemed to be enjoying it.

    "Darling, this is the best dinner you've made me in 40 years of marriage..! You can make this for me any day."

    Needless to say, every Golf day from then on, the woman made her husband the same dish.

    She told her Golf partners about it and they were all horrified.

    "You're going to kill him..!" they exclaimed.

    Two months later, her husband died. The women were sitting around the clubhouse, and one of them said, "You killed him..!

    We told you that feeding him cat food every week would do him in..!
    How can you just sit there so calmly knowing you murdered your husband?"

    The wife stoically replied, "I didn't kill him. He fell off the window sill
    while he was trying to lick his arse..!"
    ---------------------------------------------
    Whenever the cashier asks my father if he would like the milk to be put in a bag, my dad happily replies, “Nah, it can stay in the carton!”
    -----------------------------------------------------
  4. In Topic: Jacktee's Jokes

    10 February 2017 - 10:34 AM

    An air traffic control tower suddenly lost communication with a small twin engine aircraft.
    A moment later the tower landline rang and was answered by one of the employees.
    The passenger riding with the pilot who lost communications was on a cellular phone.

    He yelled, "Mayday, mayday! The pilot had an instant and fatal heart attack. I grabbed his cell phone out of his pocket and he had told me before we took off he had the tower on his speed dial memory. I am flying upside down at 18,000 feet and traveling at 180 mph. Mayday, mayday!"

    The employee in the tower immediately put him on speaker phone.
    "Calm down, we acknowledge you and we'll guide you down after a few questions.
    The first thing is not to panic. Remain calm!"
    He began his series of questions:

    Tower: "How do you know you are traveling at 18,000 feet?"
    Aircraft: "I can see that it reads 18,000 feet on the altimeter dial in front of me."

    Tower: "Okay, that’s good, remain calm. How do you know you're traveling at 180 mph?"
    Aircraft: "I can see that it reads 180 mph on the airspeed dial in front of me."

    Tower: "Okay, this is great so far, but it’s heavily overcast. So how do you know you're flying upside down?"
    Aircraft: “The s**t in my pants is running out of my shirt collar."
    -----------------------------------------
    Three priests were in a railroad station on their way home to
    Pittsburgh. Behind the ticket counter was a very foxy,
    shapely, well endowed woman wearing a very tight, skimpy
    sweater. She made the three priests very nervous, so
    they drew straws to determine who would get the tickets.

    The first priest approached the window. "Young
    lady, I would like three pickets to Titsburg." He
    completely lost his composure and fled.

    The second priest went to the window. "Young
    lady, I would like three tickets to Pittsburgh and I would
    like the change in nipples and dimes." Mortified,
    he too fled.

    "Morons" the third priest muttered and moved to
    the window. "Young lady, I would like three
    tickets to Pittsburgh and I would like the change in nickels
    and dimes. And, if you insist on dressing like that,
    when you get to the pearly gates,
    St Finger's going to shake his Peter at you."

    They took the bus.
    -------------------------------------------
    MEDICAL UPDATE Remember this the next time you have major surgery and need
    a blood transfusion! This is good to know.

    Medical Association researchers have found
    that patients needing blood transfusions may benefit from receiving
    Chicken blood rather than human blood.
    It tends to make the men cocky and the women lay better.
    ---------------------------------------
    Don't wish to boast but when i was a young man once i had my willy in the Guiness Book Of Records................. then the Librarian saw me and i had to leave the Library very quickly.
    -----------------------------------
    When I bought my Blackberry, I thought about the 30-year business I ran with 1800 employees, all without a cell phone that plays music, takes videos, pictures and communicates with Facebook and Twitter. I signed up under duress for Twitter and Facebook, so my seven kids, their spouses, my 13 grand kids and 2 great grand kids could communicate with me in the modern way. I figured I could handle something as simple as Twitter with only 140 characters of space.

    My phone was beeping every three minutes with the details of everything except the bowel movements of the entire next generation. I am not ready to live like this. I keep my cell phone in the garage in my golf bag.

    The kids bought me a GPS for my last birthday because they say I get lost every now and then going over to the grocery store or library. I keep that in a box under my tool bench with the Blue tooth [it's red] phone I am supposed to use when I drive. I wore it once and was standing in line at Barnes and Noble talking to my wife and everyone in the nearest 50 yards was glaring at me. I had to take my hearing aid out to use it, and I got a little loud.

    I mean the GPS looked pretty smart on my dash board, but the lady inside that gadget was the most annoying, rudest person I had run into in a long time. Every 10 minutes, she would sarcastically say, "Re-calc-u-lating." You would think that she could be nicer. It was like she could barely tolerate me. She would let go with a deep sigh and then tell me to make a U-turn at the next light. Then if I made a right turn instead. Well, it was not a good relationship...
    When I get really lost now, I call my wife and tell her the name of the cross streets and while she is starting to develop the same tone as Gypsy, the GPS lady, at least she loves me.

    To be perfectly frank, I am still trying to learn how to use the cordless phones in our house. We have had them for 4 years, but I still haven't figured out how I lose three phones all at once and have to run around digging under chair cushions, checking bathrooms, and the dirty laundry baskets when the phone rings.

    The world is just getting too complex for me. They even mess me up every time I go to the grocery store. You would think they could settle on something themselves but this sudden "Paper or Plastic?" every time I check out just knocks me for a loop. I bought some of those cloth reusable bags to avoid looking confused, but I never remember to take them with me.

    Now I toss it back to them. When they ask me, "Paper or plastic?" I just say, "Doesn't matter to me. I am bi-sacksual." Then it's their turn to stare at me with a blank look. I was recently asked if I tweet. I answered, No, but I do fart a lot."
    ----------------------------------------------
  5. In Topic: Jacktee's Jokes

    08 February 2017 - 09:59 AM

    Yesterday my daughter e-mailed me again, asking why I didn't do something useful with my time.

    “Like sitting around the pool and drinking wine is not a good thing?” I asked.

    Talking about my "doing-something-useful" seems to be her favorite topic of conversation.

    She was "only thinking of me", she said and suggested that I go down to the Senior Center and hang out with the guys.

    I did this and when I got home last night, I decided to play a prank on her.

    I e-mailed her and told her that I had joined a Parachute Club.

    She replied, "Are you nuts? You are 78 years old and now you're going to start jumping out of aero planes?"

    I told her that I even got a Membership Card and e-mailed a copy to her.

    She immediately telephoned me and yelled, "Good grief, Mum, where are your glasses?!

    This is a Membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club."

    "Oh man, I'm in trouble again,” I said, “I really don't know what to do. I signed up for five jumps a week!!"

    The line went quiet and her friend picked up the phone and said that my daughter had fainted.

    Life as a Senior Citizen is not getting any easier, but sometimes it can be fun.

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