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Litre Club
79 years old
July 24, 1936
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jacktee   -----

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  1. In Topic: Jacktee's Jokes

    07 October 2015 - 08:27 AM

    Some extracts from various newspapers:-

    1) Commenting on a complaint from a Mr. Arthur Purdey about a large gas bill, a spokesman for North West Gas said, "We agree it was rather high for the time of year. It’s possible Mr. Purdey has been charged for the gas used up during the explosion that destroyed his house."
    (The Daily Telegraph)

    2) Police reveal that a woman arrested for shoplifting had a whole salami in her underwear. When asked why, she said it was because she was missing her Italian boyfriend.
    (The Manchester Evening News)

    3) Irish police are being handicapped in a search for a stolen van, because they cannot issue a description. It’s a Special Branch vehicle and they don’t want the public to know what it looks like.
    (The Guardian)

    4) A young girl who was blown out to sea on a set of inflatable teeth was rescued by a man on an inflatable lobster. A coast guard spokesman commented, "This sort of thing is all too common".
    (The Times)

    5) At the height of the gale, the harbourmaster radioed a coastguard and asked him to estimate the wind speed. He replied he was sorry, but he didn’t have a gauge. However, if it was any help, the wind had just blown his Land Rover off the cliff.
    (Aberdeen Evening Express)

    6) Mrs. Irene Graham of Thorpe Avenue, Boscombe, delighted the audience with her reminiscence of the German prisoner of war who was sent each week to do her garden. He was repatriated at the end of 1945, she recalled. "He’d always seemed a nice friendly chap, but when the crocuses came up in the middle of our lawn in February 1946, they spelt out ’Heil Hitler.’"
    (Bournemouth Evening Echo)
  2. In Topic: Jacktee's Jokes

    05 October 2015 - 10:18 AM


    Marriage changes passion.
    Suddenly you’re in bed with a relative

    I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with ’Guess’ on it.
    So I said’Implants?’ She hit me

    How come we choose from just two people to run for president and over fifty for Miss America

    Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can’t even get into my own pants

    I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose fitting clothing, I wouldn’t have signed up in the first place

    Don’t argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the difference

    Wouldn’t it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press ’Ctrl Alt Delete’ and start all over? AMEN, AMEN

    Why is it that our children can’t read a Bible in school, but they can in prison

    Wouldn’t you know it....
    Brain cells come and brain cells go, but FAT cells live forever
  3. In Topic: Jacktee's Jokes

    03 October 2015 - 09:15 AM

    A list of actual announcements that London Tube train drivers have made to their passengers...

    1) "Ladies and Gentlemen, I do apologise for the delay to your service. I know you’re all dying to get home, unless, of course, you happen to be married to my ex-wife, in which case you’ll want to cross over to the Westbound and go in the opposite direction."

    2) "Your delay this evening is caused by the line controller suffering from E & B syndrome: not knowing his elbow from his backside. I’ll let you know any further information as soon as I’m given any."

    3) "Do you want the good news first or the bad news? The good news is that last Friday was my birthday and I hit the town and had a great time. The bad news is that there is a points failure somewhere between Stratford and East Ham, which means we probably won’t reach our destination."

    4) "Ladies and gentlemen, we apologise for the delay, but there is a security alert at Victoria station and we are therefore stuck here for the foreseeable future, so let’s take our minds off it and pass some time together.. All together now.... ’Ten green bottles, hanging on a wall.....’."

    5) "We are now travelling through Baker Street... As you can see, Baker Street is closed. It would have been nice if they had actually told me, so I could tell you earlier, but no, they don’t think about things like that".

    6) "Beggars are operating on this train. Please do NOT encourage these professional beggars. If you have any spare change, please give it to a registered charity. Failing that, give it to me."

    7) During an extremely hot rush hour on the Central Line, the driver announced in a West Indian drawl: "Step right this way for the sauna, ladies and gentleman... unfortunately, towels are not provided."

    8) "Let the passengers off the train FIRST!" (Pause.) "Oh go on then, stuff yourselves in like sardines, see if I care - I’m going home...."

    9) "Please allow the doors to close. Try not to confuse this with ’Please hold the doors open.’ The two are distinct and separate instructions."

    10) "Please note that the beeping noise coming from the doors means that the doors are about to close.. It does not mean throw yourself or your bags into the doors."

    11) "We can’t move off because some idiot has their hand stuck in the door."

    12) "To the gentleman wearing the long grey coat trying to get on the second carriage - what part of ’stand clear of the doors’ don’t you understand?"

    13) "Please move all baggage away from the doors." (Pause..) "Please move ALL belongings away from the doors." (Pause...) "This is a personal message to the man in the brown suit wearing glasses at the rear of the train: Put the pie down, Four-eyes, and move your bl**dy golf clubs away from the door before I come down there and shove them up your a**e sideways!"

    14) "May I remind all passengers that there is strictly no smoking allowed on any part of the Underground. However, if you are smoking a joint, it’s only fair that you pass it round the rest of the carriage."
  4. In Topic: Jacktee's Jokes

    25 September 2015 - 08:49 AM

    Paddy was telling Mick about his Pig being cross eyed and Mick said the only way to straighten them is to to push a tube up the pig’s bottom and blow.
    The following day Mick comes round with a piece of bamboo and pushes it up the pig’s rectum. he then puts the other end in his mouth and blows sharply. "Are is eyes straight yet?" when Paddy says No Mick blow again even harder, "Are they straight now" Paddy again says No. this continues until Mick stands up and says "Let me hold his head and you have a blow" So Paddy goes round the back but takes the tube out of Porky’s arse and turns it around to put it in his mouth. Mick seeing this asks "You are not going to put that end in your mouth are you?" Paddy replies I certainly am, you have had the other end in YOUR mouth....
    I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends.
    One is engaged, one is a mistress, and I have been married for 20+ years.
    We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by greeting them at the door wearing a black bra, stiletto heels and a mask over our eyes. We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes.
    Here’s how it all went.
    Engaged friend :
    The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said, ’You are the woman of my dreams....I love you.’ Then we made passionate love all night long.

    The mistress:
    Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing a raincoat, under it only the black bra, heels and mask over my eyes. When I opened the raincoat he didn’t say a word, but he started to tremble and we had wild sex all night.

    Then I had to share my story:
    When my husband came home I was wearing the black bra, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. When he came in the door and saw me he said:

    "What’s for dinner, Zorro?"
    After their baby was born, the panicked father went to see the Obstetrician.
    'Doctor,' the man said, 'I don't mind telling you, but I'm a little upset because my daughter has red hair. She can't possibly be mine!!'

    'Nonsense,' the doctor said... 'Even though you and your wife both have black hair, one of your ancestors may have contributed red hair to the gene pool.'

    'It isn't possible,' the man insisted.

    'This can't be, our families on both sides have had jet-black hair for generations.'

    "Well, said the doctor, let me ask you this.

    How often do you have sex???"

    The man seemed a bit ashamed..

    'I've been working very hard for the past year. We only made love once or twice every few months.'

    'Well, there you have it!' The doctor said confidently....

    "It's Rust."
    Paddy and Patrick decided to become sperm donors. On the way to the clinic

    Paddy came on the bus and Patrick misses the tube.

    A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor

    to come in for the baby's first exam.

    The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little

    concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.

    'Breast-fed, ' she replied.. Well, strip down to your waist, ' the doctor ordered.

    She did.

    He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in

    a very professional and detailed examination.

    Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, ' No wonder this baby is

    underweight. You don't have any milk. '

    I know, ' she said, ' I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came.
    My new girlfriend's car got a flat tyre as we were on our way to see my parents,

    so I called them up and said, "Sorry Mum, I'm going to be late, my girlfriend's got

    a puncture."

    "Oh John!" she sighed. "I thought you had a real one this time."

    student: may i use the bathroom? Teacher: as long as you can recite the alphabet. Student: abcdefghijklmnoqrstuvwxyz Teacher: wheres the p? Student: running down my leg.

  5. In Topic: Jacktee's Jokes

    21 September 2015 - 09:01 AM

    And God Looked Down...
    Most seniors never get enough exercise. In His wisdom God decreed that seniors become forgetful so they would have to search for their glasses, keys and other things thus doing more walking. And God looked down and saw that it was good.

    Then God saw there was another need. In His wisdom He made seniors losecoordination so they would drop things requiring them to bend, reach & stretch.
    And God looked down and saw that it was good.

    Then God considered the function of bladders and decided seniors would have additional calls of nature requiring more trips to the bathroom, thus providing more exercise. God looked down and saw that it was good.
    So if you find as you age, you are getting up and down more, remember its Gods will. It is all in your best interest even though you mutter under your breath.
    Nine Important Facts To Remember As We Grow Older

    #9 Death is the number 1 killer in the world.

    #8 Life is sexually transmitted.

    #7 Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

    #6 Men have 2 motivations: hunger and hanky panky, and they can't tell them apart. If you see a gleam in his eyes, make him a sandwich.

    #5 Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks, months, maybe years.

    #4 Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital, dying of nothing.

    #3 All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

    #2 In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird, and people take Prozac to make it normal.

    #1 Life is like a jar of jalapeno peppers. What you do today might burn your butt tomorrow.



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