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Member Title:
Litre Club
Age:
80 years old
Birthday:
July 24, 1936
Gender:
Male Male

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jacktee   -----


Posts I've Made

  1. In Topic: Jacktee's Jokes

    Yesterday, 10:49 AM

    Joe had suffered from really bad headaches for the last 20 years.

    He eventually decides to go and see a Doctor.

    The Doctor said, 'Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches.
    The bad news is that it will require castration.
    You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache.

    The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.'

    Joe was shocked and depressed.He wondered if he had anything to live for.

    He had no choice but to go under the knife. The surgery cost him $15,000.

    When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself.

    As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.

    He saw a Men's clothing store and thought, 'That's what I need... A new Suit.'

    He entered the shop and told the salesman, 'I'd like a new Suit.'

    The elderly Tailor eyed him briefly and said, 'Let's see... size 44 long.

    Joe laughed, 'That's right, how did you know?'

    'Been in the business 60 years!' the tailor said.

    Joe tried on the suit it fitted perfectly.

    As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, 'How about a new shirt?'

    Joe thought for a moment and then said, 'Sure.'

    The salesman eyed Joe and said, 'Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck.'

    Joe was surprised, 'That's right, how did you know?'

    'Been in the business 60 years.'

    Joe tried the shirt and it fitted perfectly.

    Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, 'How about some new Underwear?'

    Joe thought for a moment and said, 'Sure..'

    The salesman said, 'Let's see..... size 36.

    Joe laughed, 'Ah ha! I got you! I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old..'

    The salesman shook his head, 'You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your Testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a Headache'
  2. In Topic: Jacktee's Jokes

    24 March 2017 - 10:47 AM

    Two men are discussing their lives. One says, "I’m getting married. I’m sick of a messy apartment, dirty dishes, and no clothes to wear." The other one says, "Hey, I’m getting divorced for the same reasons."
    ------------------------------------
    A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.

    ‘Careful,’ he said, ‘CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You’re cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They’re going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you’re cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don’t forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the Salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!’

    The wife stared at him. ‘What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don’t know how to fry a couple of eggs?’

    The husband calmly replied, “I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I’m driving.
    --------------------------------------------
    While playing in the backyard, Little Johnny kills a honeybee.
    His father sees him killing the honeybee and angrily says, “No honey for you for one month!”
    Later that afternoon, Johnny’s dad catches him tearing the wings off a butterfly
    . “That’s it! No butter for you for one month!” says his dad.
    Later that evening as Johnny’s mother cooks dinner, a cockroach run across the kitchen floor.
    She jumps and stomps on it, and then looks up to find Little Johnny and her husband watching her.
    Little Johnny looks at his father and says, “

    Are you going to tell her, Dad, or do you want me to?”
    ------------------------------------------------
    The perfect couple.

    Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met.
    After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding.
    Their life together was, of course, perfect.

    One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve,
    this perfect couple was driving their perfect car
    (a Grand Caravan) along a winding road when they noticed
    someone at the side of the road in distress.
    Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help.
    There stood Santa Claus, with a huge bundle of toys.

    Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas,
    the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle.

    Soon they were driving along delivering toys.
    Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated
    , and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident
    . Only one of them survived the accident.
    The question is: Who was the survivor? Scroll down for the answer.





    The perfect woman survived.
    She's the only one that existed in the first place.
    Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and
    no such thing as a perfect man.

    ***Women stop here. That is the end of the joke.
    ***Men keep scrolling




    So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus
    , the perfect woman must have been driving,
    and that explains why there was a car accident.

    By the way, if you're a woman and you're reading this
    , this illustrates another point: Women never listen.
    -------------------------------------

    A blonde woman is driving down the road. She notices that she's low on gas, so she stops at a gas station.

    While she's pumping her gas, she notices that she locked the keys in the car. So when she goes inside to pay, she asks the attendant for a hanger so that she can attempt to open the door herself.

    She returns outside and begins to jimmy the lock. Ten minutes later, the attendant comes out to see how the blonde is doing.

    Outside the car, the blonde is moving the hanger around and around while the blonde inside the car is saying...

    "A little more to the left...a little more to the right"
    --------------------------------------
    Two Texans were out on the range talking about their favorite sex positions. One said, "I think I enjoy the rodeo position the best." "I don't think I have ever heard of that one," said the other cowboy. "What is it?" "Well, it's where you get your wife down on all fours and you mount her from behind. Then you reach around and cup each one of her breasts in your hands and whisper in her ear, 'Boy, these feel just like your sister's.' Then you try and stay on for 8 seconds."

    ------------------------------
  3. In Topic: Jacktee's Jokes

    22 March 2017 - 09:26 AM

    CANNOT tell a lie -GEORGE WASHINGTON

    I CANNOT TELL THE TRUTH - RICHARD NIXON.

    I CANNOT TELL THE DIFFERENCE-- DONALD TRUMP
    This explains it....

    THE 'Y' CHROMOSOME

    People born before 1946 are called -
    The Greatest Generation.
    People born between 1946 and 1964 are called -
    The Baby Boomers.
    People born between 1965 and 1979 are called -
    Generation X.
    And people born between 1980 and 2010 are called -
    Generation Y.

    Why do we call the last group -Generation Y ?

    Y should I get a job?
    Y should I leave home and find my own place?
    Y should I get a car when I can borrow yours?
    Y should I clean my room?
    Y should I wash and iron my own clothes?
    Y should I buy any food?
    But perhaps a cartoonist explained
    it most eloquently below...

    Just thought you might want to know "Y"
    Now share and inform someone else,
    they may not know.
    Never mind!
    Their heads are in their iPhones.
  4. In Topic: Jacktee's Jokes

    20 March 2017 - 01:14 PM

    Three Virgin Sisters

    Three virgin sisters were all getting married within a short time period. Mum was a bit worried about how their sex life would get started and made them all promise to send a postcard from the honeymoon with a few words on their first impressions of marital sex.

    The first girl sent a card from Hawaii two days after the wedding. The card said, nothing but: “Nescafe”. Puzzled at first, Mum went to her kitchen and got out the Nescafe jar. It said: “Great from beginning to end”. Mum blushed, but was pleased for her daughter.

    The second girl sent the card from the Maldives a week after the wedding, and the card read: “Rothmans”. Mum now knew to go straight to her husband's cigarettes to read from the pack: “Super strong king size”. She was again slightly embarrassed but still happy for her daughter...

    The third girl departed for her honeymoon in New Zealand...

    Mum waited for a week. Nothing. Another week went by and still nothing. A month passed; still nothing...

    A card finally arrived from Auckland on which was written with shaky hand, “Air New Zealand”...

    Mum took out her latest travel magazine, flipped through the pages fearing the worst, and finally found the ad for Air New Zealand.

    It said,

    'Ten times a day, seven days a week, in all directions.'
  5. In Topic: Jacktee's Jokes

    17 March 2017 - 10:03 AM

    Police
    I got pulled over by the police. He came to the window and said papers ... I said - scissors, I win - and drove off. He must be desperate for a rematch as he's been chasing me for ages!
    ===================
    The bloody dog ran off last night.
    I walked around for 20 minutes calling his name
    and still couldn't find him.
    My wife said I should look harder.
    I shaved my head and got a tattoo.

    I still can't find the bloody dog
    -----------------------------------------------
    Yossele Zelkovitz worked in a Jewish pickle factory. For many years he had a powerful desire to put his penis in the pickle slicer. Unable to stand it any longer, he sought professional help from the factory psychologist..

    After six months, the therapist gave up. He advised Yossel to go ahead and do it or he would probably never have any peace of mind.

    The next day he came home from work very early. His wife, Sacha, became alarmed and wanted to know what had happened. Yossel tearfully confessed his tormenting desire to put his penis in the pickle slicer. He went on to explain that today he finally went ahead and did it, and he was immediately fired.

    Sacha gasped and ran over to her husband. She quickly yanked down his pants and shorts only to find a normal, completely intact penis. She looked up and said, "I don't understand. What about the pickle slicer?"

    Yossel replied, "I think she got fired, too.
    --------------------------------------------
    When my wife starts to sing I always go out and do some garden work so our neighbors can see there's no domestic violence going on.
    ------------------------------------------

    Subject: Republican in a bar

    A union boss walks into a bar next door to the factory and is about to order a drink, when he sees a guy close by wearing a TRUMP for President button, and two beers in front of him. He does not have to be an Einstein, to know that this guy is a Republican.

    So, he shouts over to the bartender so loudly that everyone can hear, 'Drinks for everyone in here, bartender, but not for the Republican.'

    Soon after the drinks have been handed out, the Republican gives him a big smile, waves at him then says, 'Thank you!' in an equally loud voice. This infuriates the union boss.

    The union boss once again loudly orders drinks for everyone except the Republican. As before, this does not seem to bother the Republican.

    He continues to smile, and again yells, 'Thank you!'

    The union boss once again, loudly orders drinks for, everyone except the Republican. As before, this doesn't seem to bother the Republican. He continues to smile, and again yells, 'Thank you!'

    The union boss asks the bartender, 'What the heck is the matter, with that Republican? I have ordered three rounds of drinks for everyone in the bar but him, and all the silly jerk does, is smile and thanks me. Is he nuts?'

    'Nope,' replies the bartender. 'He owns the place.'

    ----------------------------------

    At a disco: He: “Wow, what’s a cute girl like you doing in a corner all alone?” She: “I had to fart.”

    --------------------------------------------

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