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Litre Club
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July 24, 1936
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jacktee   -----

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  1. In Topic: Jacktee's Jokes

    21 October 2016 - 08:45 AM

    Two good ol' boys in a Georgia trailer park were sitting around talking one afternoon over a cold beer after getting off work at the local Kia plant.

    After a while the 1st guy says to the 2nd, "If'n I was to sneak over to your trailer Saturday & make love to your wife while you was off huntin' and she got pregnant and had a baby, would that make us kin?"

    The 2nd guy crooked his head sideways for a minute, scratched his head and squinted his eyes thinking real hard about the question. Finally, he says, "Well, I don't know about kin, but it would make us even!"
    What has 35 legs and 15 teeth?
    The front row at a Willie Nelson Concert

    How do you circumcise a hillbilly?
    Kick his Sister in the Jaw

    How do you starve a Hippy?
    Hide his food stamps under his soap

    How do you impregnate a Hippy?
    Cum on her feet and let the flies do the rest

    Why did White Guys go to the moon?
    They heard the Indians had landed there

    Why can white people laugh at white jokes but ya tell a good nag joke and everyone loses their minds...
    Q: Did you hear about the hillbilly that passed away and left his entire estate in trust for his widow?
    A: She can't touch it till she turns fourteen.


    The hillbilly man and his new bride were on their honeymoon. The first night the hillbilly anxiously jumps into bed to wait for his wife to get herself ready for a little romance.
    His new bride comes out of the bathroom in a sexy negligee and says "Honey, I have something to tell you. I'm a virgin."
    The man grabs his clothes and rushes out of the house yelling at the top of his lungs. He heads straight to his father's house. When he gets there his father says "Son, what are you doing here? You're supposed to be on your honeymoon."
    The son, almost out of breath from his run to the house says "Dad, my new wife told me a big secret of hers. She's a virgin!!!"
    "Damn son. You did the right thing by leaving. If she wasn't good enough for her family, she sure as hell isn't good enough for ours!"


    When I born, I BLACK,
    When I grow up, I BLACK,
    When I go in sun, I BLACK,
    When I cold, I BLACK,
    When I scared, I BLACK,
    When I sick, I BLACK,
    And when I die, I still BLACK.

    You white folks....
    When you born, you PINK,
    When you grow up, you WHITE,
    When you go in sun, you RED,
    When you cold, you BLUE,
    When you scared, you YELLOW,
    When you sick, you GREEN,
    When you bruised, you PURPLE ,
    And when you die, you GRAY.

    So who you callin' colored folks?


    Three couples went in to see the minister to see how to become members of his church. The minister said that they would have to go without sex for two weeks and then come back and tell him how it went.

    The first couple was retired, the second couple was middle-aged and the final couple was newlywed.

    Two weeks went by, and the couples returned to the minister. The retired couple said it was no problem at all. The middle-aged couple said it was tough for the first week, but after that, it was no problem. The newlyweds said it was fine until she dropped the can of paint.
    "Can of PAINT!" exclaimed the minister.
    "Yeah," said the newlywed man. "She dropped the can and when she bent over to pick it up I had to have her right there and then. Lust took over."
    The minister just shook his head and said that they were not welcome in the church.

    "That's okay," said the man. "We're not welcome in B & Q either."
  2. In Topic: Jacktee's Jokes

    14 October 2016 - 09:36 AM

    Husband brings the child home from kindergarten and asks his wife, "He’s been crying the whole way home. Isn’t he sick or something?" "No," replies the wife, "he was just trying to tell you he isn’t our Frankie."
    A man to a psychiatrist: “How do you select who should be admitted to your facility?” The psychiatrist replies: “We fill a bathtub with water and give the person a spoon, a cup and a bucket. Then we ask that person to empty the bathtub.” The man smiles: “Ah, I understand, if you are sane you would take the bucket.”
    "Please help me doctor, I have a bowel movement every morning at 7!" "But that is a very healthy thing, Mr. Richards!" "It would be, if I didn't usually wake up at 8:30!"
    Little Johnny once bought his Grandma a very nice, luxurious toilet brush for her birthday. But when he went to visit her a couple of weeks later, it wasn't in the bathroom. Little Johnny asked his Grandma, “Gran, what happened to the toilet brush I gave you?” “Darling, I'm sorry but I just didn’t like it. After all those years, I’ve gotten used to the toilet paper, and this new thing was just too scratchy.”
    An elderly man was on the operating table awaiting surgery to be performed by his son, a renowned surgeon. Just before they would put him under, he asked to speak to his son: "Don’t be nervous, son, do your best and just remember, if it doesn’t go well, if something happens to me… your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife."
    From the Problem Page........

    Dear Deidrie,

    My husband is a liar and a cheat. He has cheated on me from the beginning and when I confront him, he denies everything. What's worse, everyone knows he cheats on me. It's so humiliating.
    Also, since he lost his job 14 years ago, he hasn't even looked for a new one. All he does all day is smoke cigars, play golf, cruise around and shoot pool with his buddies and has sex with hookers, while I work so hard to pay our bills.
    Since our daughter went away to college and then got married; he doesn't even pretend to like me, and hints that I may be a lesbian. What should I do?


    Dear Confused:
    Grow up and dump him.
    You don't need him any more!

    Good grief woman, you're running for President of the United States!
    Most of the time, when you cry, nobody notices the tears you shed. Most of the time, when you're facing trouble, nobody feels your pain. But try farting in public just one time!
  3. In Topic: Jacktee's Jokes

    06 October 2016 - 08:51 AM

    After every flight, UPS pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet" which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.

    Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are actual maintenance complaints submitted by UPS pilots ("P") and solutions recorded ("S") by maintenance engineers:

    P: Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement.
    S: Almost replaced left inside main tyre.

    P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
    S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

    P: Something loose in cockpit
    S: Something tightened in cockpit

    P: Dead bugs on windshield.
    S: Live bugs on back-order.

    P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent
    S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

    P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
    S: Evidence removed.

    P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
    S: DME volume set to more believable level.

    P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
    S: That's what friction locks are for.

    P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
    S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

    P: Suspected crack in windshield.
    S: Suspect you're right.

    P: Number 3 engine missing.
    S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

    P: Aircraft handles funny.
    S: Aircraft warned to: straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

    P: Target radar hums.
    S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

    P: Mouse in cockpit.
    S: Cat installed.

    P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
    S: Took hammer away from midget
  4. In Topic: Jacktee's Jokes

    30 September 2016 - 08:55 AM

    Vern works hard at the Phone Company but spends
    Two nights each week bowling, and plays golf every Saturday.
    His wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local Strip club.
    The doorman at the club greets them and says,
    "Hey, Vern! How ya doing.?
    His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.
    "Oh no," says Vern. “ He’s in my Bowling League”.
    When they are seated, a waitress asks Vern If he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.
    His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, "How did she know that you drink Budweiser?"
    "I recognize her, she's the waitress from the golf club.
    I always have a Bud at the end of the 1st nine, honey."
    A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Vern, starts to rub herself all over him and says...
    "Hi Vern. Want your usual table dance, big boy?"
    Vern's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.
    Vern follows and spots her getting into a cab.
    Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her.
    Vern tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else,
    But his wife is having none of it
    She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every 4 letter word in the book...
    The cabby turns around and says,
    'Geez Vern, you picked up a real bitch this time.'

    One time I got sick and landed in the hospital.
    There was this one nurse that just drove me crazy.
    Every time she came in, she would talk to me like I was a little child.
    She would say in a patronising tone of voice, “and how are we doing
    this morning?”
    Or.... "are we ready for a bath?" Or… "are we hungry?"
    I had enough of this particular nurse.
    One day at breakfast, I took the apple juice off the tray and put it in my
    bedside stand.
    Later I was given a urine sample bottle to fill for testing. So you know where the juice went!
    The nurse came in a while later, picked up the urine sample bottle, looked
    at it and said, “My, my, it seems we are a little cloudy today.”

    At this, I snatched the bottle out of her hand, popped off the top, and gulped it down, saying, “Well, I'll run it through again. Maybe I can filter it better this time!”

    The nurse fainted... I just smiled!
    You'll lose every time!!!
    At St. Peter's Catholic Church in Adelaide , they have weekly husbands'
    marriage seminars.

    At the session last week, the priest asked Giuseppe, who said he was
    approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and
    share some insight into how he had managed
    to stay married to the same woman all these years.

    Giuseppe replied to the assembled husbands, 'Wella, I'va tried to
    treat her nicea, spenda da money on her, but besta of all is, I tooka
    her to Italy for the 25thanniversary!'

    The priest responded, 'Giuseppe, you are an amazing inspiration to all
    the husbands here! Please tell us what you are planning for your wife
    for your 50th anniversary?'

    Giuseppe proudly replied, " I gonna go picka her up."

    1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British and Americans.
    2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British and Americans.
    3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British and Americans.
    4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British and Americans.
    5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British and Americans.
    Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you
    A man goes on a rare night out with the lads and on his way home a voice from a dark doorway says " £10 for a good time" so he agrees and they are hard at it when suddenly a policeman shines his torch on them, He asks "What's going on here then and the man quickly thinking says " I am just making love to my wife Officer" the Bobby say's Oh sorry Sir i didn't was your wife the man says "And neither did I until you shone that Bloody torch on us"

    Did you know it only takes Three and a Half Inches to really please a women......... either Barclay Card or \iista.
    A man goes to the Police to report his credit card stolen from four weeks ago and when the Officer ask why he had not reported it sooner, the man said "Because I found the thief was spending less with it than my wife did." so the Officer asked So why are you reporting it Now ? and the man replied "Because I think the thief's wife has now got hold of it"
    The Doctor gave me only Four months to live so i shot him and the Judge gave me twenty years in prison.
    Problem solved.
  5. In Topic: Jacktee's Jokes

    23 September 2016 - 09:11 AM

    A ventriloquist auditioned for Britain's Got Talent.
    He was told by the judges that he was complete rubbish.
    Without a word, the young man picked up his suitcase and left.
    As he went, a muffled voice from his case shouted "GOLLOX !"
    A man went onto his local Library and whisperes to the Librarian "Erm do you have that new book about small penisis ?" The Librarian looks on his computer and says No It Is Not In Yet and the man says "Yes, that's the one"
    Little Johnny's Chemistry teacher wanted to teach his class a lesson about the evils of liquor, so he set up an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey, and two worms. "Now, class. Observe what happens to the two the worms," said the professor putting the first worm in the glass of water. The worm in the water moved about, twisting and seemingly unharmed. He then dropped the second work in the whiskey glass. It writhed in pain for a moment, then quickly sank to the bottom and died. "Now kids, what lesson can we derive from this experiment?" he asked. Little Johnny raised his hand and wisely responded, "Drink whiskey and you won't get worms!"
    An airman in a bar leans over to the guy next to him and says, "Wanna hear a marine joke?" The guy next to him replies, "Well, before you tell that joke, you should know something. I'm 6' tall, 200 lbs, and I'm a marine. The guy sitting next to me is 6'2" tall, weighs 225, and he's a marine. The fella next to him is 6'5" tall, weighs 250, and he's also a marine. Now, you still wanna tell that joke?" The Airman says, "Nah, I don't want to have to explain it three times."
    A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small club in a small town in Arkansas. With his dummy on his knee, he's going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting: "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person, because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against, not only blondes, but women in general...and all in the name of humor!" The ventriloquist is embarrassed and begins to apologize, when the blonde yells, "You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little idiot on your knee!"
    A blonde has sharp pains in her side. The doctor examines her and says, "You have acute appendicitis." The blonde says, "That's sweet, doc, but I came here to get medical help."



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