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Member Title:
Litre Club
Age:
77 years old
Birthday:
July 24, 1936
Gender:
Male Male

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jacktee   -----


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  1. In Topic: Jacktee's Jokes

    Yesterday, 09:21 AM

    A young and beautiful woman gets into the elevator, smelling like expensive perfume.

    She turns to the old Italian woman on the elevator with her and says arrogantly, "Giorgio - Beverly Hills, $100 an ounce!"

    Another young and beautiful woman gets on the elevator and also smells of very expensive perfume. She arrogantly turns to the old Italian woman and says, "Chanel No. 5, $150 an ounce!"

    About three floors later, the old Italian woman has reached her destination and is about to get off the elevator. Before she leaves, looks both beautiful women in the eye, turns, bends over, and farts. "Broccoli - 49 cents a pound."
    -------------------------------
    Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, parties and local pubs to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink from any woman. A date rape drug on the market called - "Beer" - is used by many females to target unsuspecting men.

    The drug is generally found in liquid form and is now available almost anywhere. It comes in bottles, cans, from taps and in large "kegs" Beer is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and have sex with them. Typically, a woman needs only to persuade a guy to consume a few units of Beer and then simply ask him home for no strings attached sex.

    Men are rendered helpless against this approach. After several Beers, men will often succumb to desires to perform sexual acts on horrific looking women to whom they would never normally be attracted. After drinking Beer men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that "something bad" occurred. At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life’s savings, in a familiar scam known as "a relationship."

    It has been reported that in extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer term form of servitude and punishment referred to as "marriage." Apparently, men are much more susceptible to this scam after Beer is administered and sex is offered by the predatory females.
    If you fall victim to this insidious ’Beer’ and the predatory women administering it, there are male support groups with venues in every town where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter in an open and frank manner with similarly affected, like-minded guys.

    For the support group nearest you, just look up "Golf Courses" in the yellow pages
    ----------------------------------------
    Why Men Are Men and Women Are Women ...

    Seems God was just about done with creating the universe but he had two extra things left over in his bag so he decided to split them between Adam and Eve.

    He told them that one of the things he had left was a thing that would allow the owner to pee while standing up. "It’s a very handy thing," God told them, "and I was wondering if either one of you would like that."

    When Adam saw it, he jumped up and down and begged "Oh, give that to me! I’d love to have that. It seems just the sort of thing a man should be have. Please. Please! Pleeease! Give it to me." On and on he went like an excited little boy.

    So Eve just smiled and told God that if Adam really wanted it so badly, he should have it. So God gave Adam the thing that allowed him to pee while standing up and he was so excited. He whizzed on the bark of a tree and then went off to write his name in the sand, laughing with delight all the while.

    God and Eve watched him for a moment and then God said to Eve, "Well, here’s the other thing and I guess you can have it."

    "What’s it called? Eve asked.

    "Brains" God said.
    ----------------------------------------------
    Pregnant Prostitute.
    Doctor asks pregnant prostitute, "Do you know who the father is?"
    "For god sakes, if you ate a tin of beans would you know which one made you fart?"
    --------------------------------------
    A couple lived near the ocean and used to walk the beach a lot. One summer they noticed a girl who was at the beach pretty much every day.

    She wasn't unusual, nor was the travel bag she carried, except for one thing. She would approach people who were sitting on the beach, glance around, then speak to them.

    Generally, the people would respond negatively and she would wander off, but occasionally someone would nod and there would be a quick exchange of money for something she carried in her bag. The couple assumed she was selling drugs and debated calling the cops, but since they didn't know for sure they just continued to watch her.

    After a couple of weeks the wife asked, "Honey, have you ever noticed that she only goes up to people with boom boxes and other electronic devices?"

    He hadn't and said so. Then she said, "Tomorrow I want you to get a towel and our big radio and go lie out on the beach. Then we can find out what she's really doing."

    Well, the plan went off without a hitch, and the wife was almost hopping up and down with anticipation when she saw the girl talk to her husband and then leave. The man walked up the beach and met his wife at the road. "Well, is she selling drugs?" she asked excitedly."

    No, she's not." he said, enjoying this probably more than he should have.

    "Well, what is it, then?" his wife fairly shrieked.

    The man grinned and said. "Her name is Sally and she's a battery salesperson."

    "Batteries?" cried the wife.

    "Yes," he replied. "Sally sells C cells by the Seashore
    ---------------------------------
    A man goes into a restaurant and is seated. All the waitresses are gorgeous. A particularly voluptuous waitress wearing a very short skirt and legs that go all the way up to her backside came to his table and asked if he was ready to order,
    "What would you like, sir?"
    He looks at the menu and then scans her beautiful frame top to bottom, then answers, "A quickie." The waitress turns and walks away in disgust. After she regains her composure she returns and asks again, "What would you like, sir?"
    Again the man thoroughly checks her out and again answers, "a quickie, please."
    This time her anger takes over, she reaches over and slaps him across the face with a resounding "SMACK!" and storms away.
    A man sitting at the next table leans over and whispers, "Um, I think it’s pronounced ’quiche’."
    --------------------------------------
  2. In Topic: Jacktee's Jokes

    18 July 2014 - 08:29 AM

    SHOCKING TELEGRAMS
    TELEGRAM #1
    A daughter sends a telegram to her father on her clearing
    B.Ed exams, which the father receives as :

    "Father, your daughter has been successful in BED."
    *********************

    TELEGRAM #2

    A husband, while he is on a business trip to a hill
    station sends a telegram to his wife :

    "I wish you were here." The message received by wife:

    "I wish you were her."

    *************************************
    TELEGRAM #3

    A wife with near maturing pregnancy goes to railway
    station to return to her husband. At the reservation counter , while her turn came, it was the last ticket. Taking pity on a very old lady next
    to her in the queue, she offered her berth to the old lady
    and sent a telegram to her husband which reached as:

    "Shall be coming tomorrow, heavy rush in the train, gave
    birth to an old lady."

    ************************************
    TELEGRAM #4
    A man wants to celebrate his wife’s Birthday by throwing a
    party .

    So he goes to order a birthday cake. The salesman asks him
    what message he wants to put on the cake.

    Well he thinks for a while and says: let’s put, "you are
    not getting older you are getting better".

    The salesman asks "how do you want me to put it?"

    The man says, Well put "You are not getting older", at the
    top and

    "You are getting better" at the bottom.

    The real fun didn’t start until the cake was opened the
    entire party watched the message decorated on the cake:

    "You are not getting older at the top, You are getting
    better at the bottom".
    --------------------------------------
    Two psychiatrists were at a convention. As they conversed over a drink, one asked, "What was your most difficult case?"
    The other replied, "I had a patient who lived in a pure fantasy world. He believed that an uncle in South America was going to die and leave him a fortune. All day long he waited for a letter to arrive from an attorney. He never went out, he never did anything, he merely sat around and waited for this fantasy letter from this fantasy uncle. I worked with this man eight years."
    "What was the result?"
    "It was an eight-year struggle. Every day for eight years, but I finally cured him. And then that stupid letter arrived
    -----------------------------------
    A man walks into his local butcher's shop and complains about the leg of lamb that he had previously bought, "when I cooked it the joint had shrunk so much it went from 12 inches long to only 4-inches".
    The butcher said to the man "that’s funny my wife knitted me a sweater and when she washed it, it was also 4-inches in length".
    "what’s your sweater got to do with my leg of lamb?" asked the man
    The butcher replied "well they both must have come from the same sheep."
    --------------------------------------
    A new business was opening and one of the owner’s friends wanted to send him flowers for the occasion. They arrived at the new business site and the owner read the card,.... "Rest in Peace."

    The owner was angry and called the florist to complain.

    After he had told the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry he was, the florist replied, "Sir, I’m really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting angry, you should imagine this: somewhere, there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying,... ’Congratulations on your new location!’"
    ---------------------------------------------
  3. In Topic: Jacktee's Jokes

    16 July 2014 - 08:14 AM

    A Prostitute's Tax Return...
    A woman walks into a Kalgoorlie accountant's office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes.
    The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to ask you a few questions."
    He gets her name, address etc. And then asks,"What's your occupation?"
    "I'm a prostitute," she says.
    The accountant is somewhat taken aback and says, "Let's try to re phrase that."
    The woman says, "OK, I'm a high-end call girl". "No, that still won't work. Try again."
    They both think for a minute; then the woman says, "I'm an elite poultry farmer."
    The accountant asks, "What does poultry farming have to do with being a prostitute?"
    "Well, I raised a thousand cocks last year."
    "Poultry Farmer it is."
  4. In Topic: Jacktee's Jokes

    14 July 2014 - 09:49 AM

    The Mexican maid asked for a pay increase.

    The wife was very upset about this, and decided to talk to her about the raise.

    She asked: "Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?"

    Maria: "Well, Senora, there are tree reasons why I wanna increaze."
    "The first is that I iron better than you."
    Wife: "Who said you iron better than me?"

    Maria: "Jor huzban, he say so."

    Wife: "Oh yeah?"

    Maria: "The second reason eez that I am better cook than you."

    Wife: "Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?"

    Maria: "Jor hozban deed."

    Wife, increasingly agitated: "Oh he did, did he?"

    Maria: "The third reason eez that I am better at sex dan you in da bed."

    Wife, really boiling now and through gritted teeth: "And did my husband say that as well?"

    Maria: "No Senora...."The gardener deed."

    Wife: "So, how much do you want?"
    ----------------------------------------
    Russ and Sam, two friends, very old and frail, met in the park every day to
    feed the birds, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems.

    One day Russ didn't ....show up. Sam didn't think much about it and figured
    maybe he had a cold or something.

    But after Russ hadn't shown up for a week or so, Sam really got worried.

    However, since the only time they ever got together was at the park, Sam
    didn't know where Russ lived, so he was unable to find out what had happened
    to him.

    A month had passed, and Sam figured he had seen the last of Russ,but one
    day, Sam approached the park and -- lo and behold! -- there sat Russ! Sam
    was very excited and happy to see him and told him so.

    Then he said, "For crying out loud Russ, what in the world happened to you?"

    Russ replied, "I was in jail."

    "Jail?" cried Sam. "What in the world for?"

    "Well," Russ said, "you know Sue, that cute little blonde waitress at the
    coffee shop where I sometimes go?"

    "Yeah," said Sam, "I remember her. What about her?"

    "Well, one day she filed rape charges against me; and, at 89 years old, I
    was so proud that when I got into court, I pleaded 'guilty'."

    "The damn judge gave me 30 days for lying under oath."

    ---------------------------------------------

    Sister Mary Katherine entered the Monastery of Silence. The Priest said, 'Sister, this is a silent monastery. You are welcome here as long as you like, but you may not speak until I direct you to do so.'



    Sister Mary Katherine lived in the monastery for 5 years before the Priest said to her, 'Sister Mary Katherine, you have been here for 5 years. You can speak two words.'



    Sister Mary Katherine said, 'Hard bed.'



    'I'm sorry to hear that,' the Priest said, 'We will get you a better bed.'



    After another 5 years, Sister Mary Katherine was called by the Priest. 'You may say another two words, Sister Mary Katherine.



    'Cold food,' said Sister Mary Katherine, and the Priest assured her that the food would be better in the future.



    On her 15th anniversary at the monastery, the Priest again called Sister Mary Katherine into his office. 'You may say two words today.'



    'I quit,' said Sister Mary Katherine.



    'It's probably best', said the Priest, 'You've done nothing but moan since you've been here.'

    -----------------------------------------

    An Arab Sheik was admitted to Hospital for heart surgery, but prior to the surgery, the doctors needed to store his blood in case the need arises for a transfusion. As the gentleman had a rare type of blood, it couldn't be found locally, so, the call went out.
    Finally a Scotsman was located who had a similar blood type. The Scot willingly donated his blood for the Arab.
    After the surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman as appreciation for giving his blood, a new BMW, diamonds & US dollars.
    A couple of days later, once again, the Arab had to go through a corrective surgery.
    His doctor telephoned the Scotsman who was more than happy to donate his blood again.
    After the second surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman a thank-you card & a box of Quality Street chocolates.
    The Scotsman was shocked that the Arab did not reciprocate his kind gesture as he had anticipated.
    He phoned the Arab & asked him: "I thought you would be generous again, that you would give me a BMW, diamonds & money... but you only gave me a thank-you card & a box of Quality Street."


    To this the Arab replied:
    "Aye laddie, but I now have Scottish Blood in ma veins".
  5. In Topic: Happy birthday Trippo

    13 July 2014 - 11:39 AM

    Happy Birthday Trippo have a good one

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