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Litre Club
79 years old
July 24, 1936
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jacktee   -----

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  1. In Topic: Jacktee's Jokes

    Yesterday, 10:08 AM


    In the 1400's a law was set forth in England that a man was allowed to beat his wife with a stick no thicker than his thumb. Hence we have 'the rule of thumb.'


    Many years ago in Scotland , a new game was invented.
    It was ruled 'Gentlemen Only...Ladies Forbidden'.. ...
    And thus, the word GOLF entered into the English language.


    The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time TV was Fred and Wilma Flintstone.


    Coca-Cola was originally green..


    It is impossible to lick your elbow.


    The cost of raising a medium-size dog to the age of eleven:
    £ 10,120.00


    The first novel ever written on a typewriter,
    Tom Sawyer.


    Each King in a deck of playing cards represents a great King from history:

    Spades - King David

    Hearts - Charlemagne

    Clubs -Alexander, the Great

    Diamonds - Julius Caesar


    111,111,111 x 111,111,111
    = 12,345,678,987,654,321


    If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle.
    If the horse has one front leg in the air, the person died because of wounds received in battle.
    If the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died
    of natural causes.


    Q..... If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go until you would find the letter 'A'?

    A... One thousand


    Q.... What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers and laser printers have in common?

    A... All were invented by women.


    Q... What is the only food that doesn't spoil?

    A... Honey


    In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes. When you pulled on the ropes, the mattress tightened, making the bed firmer to sleep on.
    Hence the phrase..'Goodnight , sleep tight'


    It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride's Father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink.
    Mead is a honey beer and because their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the honey month, which we know today as the honeymoon.


    In English pubs, Ale is ordered by pints and quarts....
    So in old England, when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them 'Mind your pints and quarts, and settle down. It's where we get the phrase: 'Mind your P's and Q's.'


    Many years ago in England , pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the rim, or handle, of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill, they used the whistle to get some service. ''Wet your whistle" is the phrase inspired by this practice.


    At least 75% of people who read this will try to lick their elbow!


    Don't delete the following just because it looks weird.
    Believe it or not, you can read it.
    I cdnuolt blveiee that I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd what I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid Aoccdrnig to rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in what oredr the ltteers in a word are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is that the first and last ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can still raed it wouthit a porbelm. This is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the word as a wlohe. Amzanig huh?


    YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2015 when...

    1... You accidentally enter your PIN on the microwave.

    2... You haven't played Solitaire with real cards in years.

    3... You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three..

    4... You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.

    5... Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.

    6... You pull up in your own driveway and use your mobile phone, to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries...

    7... Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen

    8... Leaving the house without your mobile phone, which you didn't even have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic, and you turn around to go and get it

    10. You get up in the morning and go on line , before getting your coffee

    11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )

    12. You're reading this and nodding, and laughing.

    13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.

    14. You are too busy to notice there was no 9 on this list.

    15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't
    a 9 on this list.
  2. In Topic: Jacktee's Jokes

    31 July 2015 - 07:25 AM

    A Senior Moment - The Explanation

    ​Brains of older people are slow because they know so much . People do not decline mentally with age, it just takes them longer to recall facts because they have more information in their brains, scientists believe . Much like a computer struggles as the hard drive gets full, so, too, do humans take longer to access information when their brains are full.

    Researchers say this slowing down process is not the same as cognitive decline . The human brain works slower in old age, said Dr. Michael Ramscar, but only because we have stored more information over time. The brains of older people do not get weak. On the contrary, they simply know more .

    Also, older people often go to another room to get something and when they get there, they stand there wondering what they came for. It is NOT a memory problem, it is nature's way of making older people do more exercise .

    SO THERE ..

    Now when I reach for a word or a name ,

    I won't excuse myself by saying

    "I'm having a senior moment" .

    Now, I'll say,

    "My start up disk is full!"
  3. In Topic: Jacktee's Jokes

    28 July 2015 - 09:22 AM


    Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself,'Lillian, you should have remained a virgin.'

    - Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)


    I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: - 'No good in a bed, but fine against a wall.'

    - Eleanor Roosevelt


    Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement.

    - Mark Twain


    The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible

    - George Burns


    Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.

    - Victor Borge


    Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

    - Mark Twain


    By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

    - Socrates


    I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

    - Groucho Marx


    My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.

    - Jimmy Durante


    I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.

    - Zsa Zsa Gabor


    Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.

    - Alex Levine


    My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.

    - Rodney Dangerfield


    Money can't buy you happiness. But it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery

    - Spike Milligan


    Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP.

    - Joe Namath


    I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap.

    - Bob Hope


    I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

    - W. C. Fields


    We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.

    - Will Rogers


    Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you.

    - Winston Churchill


    Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.

    - Phyllis Diller


    By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.

    - Billy Crystal

    And the cardiologist's diet: - If it tastes good spit it out.
  4. In Topic: Jacktee's Jokes

    25 July 2015 - 08:38 AM

    After a tiring day, a commuter settled down in his seat and closed his eyes

    As the train rolled out of the station, a woman sitting next to him pulled out her mobile phone.

    Description: _com_android_email_attachmentprovider_1_4095_RAW@sec.galaxytab

    She started talking in a loud voice: "Hi sweetheart. It's Sue. I'm on the train". "Yes, I know it's the six thirty and not the four thirty, but I had a long meeting. No, honey, not with that Kevin from the accounting office. It was with the boss. No sweetheart, you're the only one in my life. Yes, I'm sure, cross my heart!"

    Fifteen minutes later, she was still talking loudly. When the man sitting next to her had enough, he leaned over and said into the phone, "Sue, hang up the phone and come back to bed."

    Sue doesn't use her mobile phone in public any longer.
  5. In Topic: Jacktee's Jokes

    24 July 2015 - 11:52 AM

    Two buddies go duck hunting. They had been hunting for a while when one had to take a dump. So he leans his shotgun up against a fence and goes over to take care of business. Suddenly a strong gust of wind comes along. It blows his shotgun over and it accidentally discharges and shoots him right in the crotch! His buddy freaks out and loads him up in the pickup and starts speeding toward town and the nearest hospital. They finally get him into surgery and he's there for almost four hours. When he wakes up he starts calling for the doctor. The doctor finally comes in and the guy said, "Doc, am I going to O.K.?" The doctor said, "Well, there was a lot of buckshot damage. I was able to repair most of it, but now I think you need to see my brother." The guy said, "Oh, is your brother a doctor, too?" The doctor said, "No, he's a flute player, but he can show you where to put your fingers so you don't pee in your eye!"
    A blonde goes to the doctor's and find out she is pregnant with twins. She starts crying and the doctor asks her what's wrong. She replies, "I know who the dad is for one of them but I don't know who the dad is for the other one!"
    Presently, I am trying to make friends outside of Facebook while applying the same principles.

    So every day, I walk along the street and tell passers-bye what I have eaten, how I feel, what I have done the night before, and what I will do afterwards.

    I give them pictures of my family, my dog and me gardening and spending time in my pool.

    I also listen to their conversations and I tell them I love them.

    AND IT WORKS! … I already have 3 people following me: 2 police officers and a psychiatrist.
    Diamonds Are A Girls Best Friend"
    "So, have you figured what to buy the Missus for Christmas?" asked Brady. "I, sure have, she decided it for me," answered Paddy. "She said she wanted something with diamonds in it, so I’ve bought her a pack of cards."
    "Arrest Advice"
    What are the first words you should say if ever a policeman says "Anything you say will be used in evedence against you!" Simple you say "Please don’t hit me again officer!"

    Milking the cow .. a farmer ordered a high-tech milking machine.
    Since the equipment arrived when his wife was out of town, he decided to
    test it on himself first.
    So, he inserted his ’manhood’ into the equipment, turned on the switch and
    everything else was automatic.
    Soon, he realized that the equipment provided him with much more pleasure
    than his wife did. When the fun was over, though, he quickly realized that
    he couldn’t remove the instrument from his ’member’..
    He read the manual but didn’t find any useful information on how to
    disengage himself. He tried every button on the instrument, but still
    without success.
    Finally, he decided to call the supplier’s Customer Service Hot Line with
    his mobile phone (Thank god for mobile phones!).
    ’Hello, I just bought a milking machine from your company. It works
    fantastic, but how do I remove it from the cow’s udder?’
    ’Don’t worry,’ replied the customer service rep, ’The machine will release
    automatically once it’s collected two gallons.’



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