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Member Title:
Litre Club
Age:
80 years old
Birthday:
July 24, 1936
Gender:
Male Male

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jacktee   -----


Posts I've Made

  1. In Topic: Jacktee's Jokes

    19 May 2017 - 08:10 AM

    2 old blokes are having a few beers when they see a sign advertising the local flower show. So one of them dares his mate $50 to streak the flower show.

    $50 is $50, so he strips off & toddles off to the flower show. He comes back an hour later with a big blue ribbon. His mate asks him what the ribbon is for?

    He says, "Best dried arrangement in show."
    --------------------------------------------
    The teacher was giving the children a poetry test.
    "Write a small poem containing the name 'Timbuktu' " she said.
    After a while, little Johnny held up his hand, "I've done it, Miss", he said.
    The teacher smiled and replied, "Clever boy, Johnny, let's hear it !"
    Johnny cleared his throat and started.........
    "Tim and I went to the zoo,
    And met three girls behind the loo,
    We didn't know what to do,
    So I bukt one, and Tim bukt two !"
    -------------------------------------
    A man was walking along a sidewalk in a very gentle manner, almost as if he were walking on eggs. Two doctors, also on foot, were across the street. They spotted the man and began to discuss his condition. "Prostrate trouble," said the first doctor.

    "Oh no, not at all. That's a case of hemorrhoids if ever I saw one", said the other.

    They tossed it back and forth until one of them suggested going over to talk to the man. "Mister, this gentleman and I are both doctors," said one, "and if you'll pardon our intrusion, I figured you have a bad prostrate problem, but my colleague thought it to be hemorrhoids. Might you state the problem so that we can solve our little dilemma?"

    "Well", said the man, "all three of us were wrong." I THOUGHT "it was gas."
    =----------------------------------------------
    Irish Air Lines flight 113 was descending for a landing at an airport they had never been to before. The pilot looked out the windshield and suddenly exclaimed to the copilot, "Holy cow! Look how short the runway is! I`ve never seen one that short!"

    The co-pilot looked out the windshield. "Wow! you`re right!
    That`s incredible! Are you sure we can make it?"
    "Well we better, were almost out of fuel."

    So the captain got on the intercom and notified the passengers to put their heads
    between their knees and prepare for an emergency landing.
    Then he set the flaps to full down and slowed the plane to just over stall speed.
    The big jumbo jet came screaming in, on the ragged edge of control
    . The pilot`s hands were sweating, the copilot was praying.
    They touched down and came screeching to a halt JUST before
    the edge of the runway, the tires smoking.

    "WHEW! That was CLOSE!" yelled the captain.
    "That runway was SHORT!"

    "Yeah!" said the co-pilot,"and WIDE too!"
    -----------------------------------------------------
    A fellow dies, goes to hell, and is surprised when confronted by a room full of beautiful blondes and kegs of beer.

    He asks a nearby demon if this is really hell, and what was so bad about the place.

    "Well," said the demon, "the kegs all have holes in the bottoms, and the blondes don't!"
    ---------------------------------------
    Irish Airline Cunni Lingus have one of their Planes coming into land at Heathrow and the Control Tower ask Captain Paddy Murphy to state his height and position.
    Paddy replies "This is Captain Paddy Murphy speaking , I am 5 foot 6. and sat up at the front"
    ---------------------------------------
    The matchmaker goes to see Mr Smith, a confirmed bachelor for many years. "Mr Smith, don't leave it too late. I have exactly the one you need. You only have to say the word and you'll meet and get married in no time." Says the matchmaker. "Don't bother," replies Mr Smith,"I've two sisters at home who look after all my needs." "That's all well and good, but all the sisters in the world cannot fill the the role of a wife." Replied the matchmaker. Mr Smith said, " I didn't said that they are my sisters."
    -----------------------------------------------
  2. In Topic: Jacktee's Jokes

    15 May 2017 - 12:08 PM

    BRITISH HUMOR IS DIFFERENT
    These are classified ads, which were actually placed in U.K. Newspapers:

    FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
    8 years old,
    Hateful little bastard.
    Bites!

    FREE PUPPIES
    1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog.

    FREE PUPPIES.
    Mother is a Kennel Club registered German Shepherd.
    Father is a Super Dog, able to leap tall fences in a single bound.

    COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED.
    Also 1 gay bull for sale.

    JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
    Must sell washer and dryer £100.

    WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE .
    Worn once by mistake.
    Call Stephanie.

    **** And the WINNER is... ****

    FOR SALE BY OWNER.
    Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes.
    Excellent condition, £200 or best offer. No longer needed, got married, wife knows everything.

    Statement of the Century
    Thought from the Greatest Living Scottish Thinker--BillyConnolly. "If women are so bloody perfect at multitasking, How come they can't have a headache and sex at the same time?"

    >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
    Children Are Quick
    ______________________________ ______

    TEACHER: Why are you late?
    STUDENT: Class started before I got here.
    ______________________________ ______
    TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
    JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
    ______________________________ ____________
    TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
    GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
    TEACHER: No, that's wrong
    GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
    (I Love this child!)
    ______________________________ ______________
    TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
    DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
    TEACHER: What are you talking about?
    DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
    ______________________________ ____
    TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
    WINNIE: Me!
    ______________________________ ____________
    TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
    GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
    ______________________________ _________
    ______________________________
    TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it.
    Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
    LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.....
    ______________________________ ________
    TEACHER: Now, Simon , tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
    SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mum is a good cook.
    ______________________________
    TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's.
    Did you copy his?
    CLYDE: No, sir. It's the same dog.

    (I want to adopt this kid!!!)
    ______________________________ _____
    TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
    HAROLD: A teacher.
  3. In Topic: Jacktee's Jokes

    12 May 2017 - 08:27 AM

    I was looking for that thing that peels potatoes, apples and carrots. I’ve asked my kids if they had any idea. Apparently she left 2 days ago.
    --------------------------------------
    Women are so funny sometimes. They think that their long silences or “I won’t talk to you” attitudes is actually a punishment.
    --------------------------------------------
    A group of friends from the Cottonwood Church wanted to get together on a regular basis, socialize, and play games.
    The lady of the house was to prepare the meal.When it came time for Al and Jean to be the hosts, Jean wanted to outdo all the others.
    She decided to have mushroom-smothered steak, but mushrooms are expensive.
    She then told her husband, "No mushrooms. They are too expensive"


    He said, "Why don't you go down in the pasture and pick some of those mushrooms? here are plenty in the creek bed."
    She said, "No, some wild mushrooms are poison." He said, "Well, I see varmints eating them and they're OK."
    So Jean decided give it a try. She picked a bunch, washed, sliced, and diced them for her smothered steak.

    Then she went out on the back porch and gave Ol' Spot, the yard dog, a double handful. Ol' Spot ate every bite.
    All morning long, Jean watched Ol' Spot and the wild mushrooms didn't seem to affect him, so she decided to use them.

    The meal was a great success, and Jean even hired a helper lady from town to help her serve. After everyone had finished, they relaxed, socialized, and played '42' and dominoes.

    About then, the helper lady came in and whispered in Jean 's ear.
    She said, "Mrs. Williams, Ol' Spot is dead" Jean went into hysterics.
    After she finally calmed down, she called the doctor and told him what had happened.
    The doctor said, "That's bad, but I think we can take care of it.
    I will call for an ambulance and I will be there as quickly as possible. We'll give everyone enemas and we will pump out everyone's stomach.
    Everything will be fine. Just keep them calm."

    Soon they could hear the siren as the ambulance was coming down the road.
    The EMTs and the doctor had their suitcases, syringes, and a stomach pump.
    One by one, they took each person into the bathroom, gave them an enema, and pumped out their stomach.
    The scene was not pretty.
    After the last one was finished, the doctor came out and said, "I think everything will be fine now," and he left.

    They were all looking pretty weak sitting around the living room and about this time the helper lady came in and whispered to Jean ,"You know, the guy who run over Ol' Spot never even stopped.
    -----------------------------------------------
    Husband: “Soon we will be married for 10 years. I will get you a nice new car for our anniversary.” Wife: “Oh darling. Nothing would please me more!” And so the husband got her nothing for the anniversary.
    ----------------------------------------------
  4. In Topic: Jacktee's Jokes

    11 May 2017 - 09:16 AM

    Irish Password


    During a recent PASSWORD AUDIT at the Bank of Ireland It was found that Paddy O'Toole was using the following password:

    MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDewe y
    DonaldGoofyDublin

    When Paddy was asked why he had such a long password he replied, "Bejazus! are yez stupid?
    Shore Oi was told me password had to be at least eight characters long and include one capital".

    Don't ever think you can outwit the Irish!
  5. In Topic: Jacktee's Jokes

    08 May 2017 - 11:53 AM

    Picasso Saves Sight for Sore Eyes
    Picasso's mistress was losing her eyesight so he took her to an opthomologist in Paris. Upon examination, the doctor reported that nothing could be done and she would soon become blind. Picasso then sought out the best eye doctor in all of France, but got the same prognosis. He even took her to the best doctor in all of Europe, to no avail.

    He then decided to take her for a trip around the world so that she could see the sights before totally losing eyesight. They were in San Francisco when they saw a sign reading "Sam Smith-Eye Doctor, Free Consultation". Picasso figured that it couldn't do any harm to try this doctor as she was going to be blind anyway.

    After a thorough examination, Dr. Smith reported that when he did an operation in cases like hers that it would cure her. Picasso agreed to have the operation performed.

    After the operation and a few weeks of recovery, the doctor removed the bandages, and what do you know, she could see 20/20. Picasso was overjoyed and said ,"Doctor, tell me your fee. I am a very rich man and will pay whatever you ask".

    Mr. Picasso", the doctor replied "I only ask my usual fee of $100."

    "Well then", continued Picasso, "To reward you handsomely, I will paint a mural on your waiting room wall. When I am finished, we will invite the art critics to see it."

    The doctor agreed to this offer because the room needed a paint job anyway. So Picasso labors behind a curtain for three weeks and when he is finished, invitations are sent to the press for a showing.

    On the chosen date the critics crowd into the waiting room and when all are ready, Picasso pulls down the curtain and there on the wall is a great big eye. Thats all, just a giant size eye.

    "Great", the critics all exclaim. "This is one of Picasso's greatest masterpieces".

    Picasso nudges the doctor and says "Well, Sam, what did I tell you?"

    The doctor replies "Its a good thing I'm not a gynecologist!"

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