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Litre Club
79 years old
July 24, 1936
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jacktee   -----

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  1. In Topic: Jacktee's Jokes

    28 August 2015 - 06:06 PM

    Mom and Dad were trying to console Susie whose dog, Skipper, had recently died. "You know," Mom said, "it's not so bad. Skipper's probably up in Heaven right now, having a grand old time with God." Susie stopped crying and asked, "What would God want with a dead dog?"
    Paddy was so proud as they left the Hospital with his wife and new born Triplets , being his first children he wanted to get everything right so he asked the Midwife "What time should I wake them up in the morning ?"

    The Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for Retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points in his body.. The officer got to choose what those two points would be.

    The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of $72,000.

    The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured
    from the tip of his outstretched hand to his toes He walked out $96,000

    The third one was a non- commissioned officer, a grizzly old Chief, who when he was asked where he would liked to be measured replied, "from the tip of my willie to my testicles"

    It was suggested by the pension officer that he might like to reconsider, explaining that the big checks the previous officers had received.

    But the old chief insisted and they decided to go along with providing that the measurement was taken by a Medical officer.
    The Medical Officer arrived and instructed the old Chief to "drop them"

    Which he did. The Medical Officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Chief’s weenie and began to work back to,

    Dear Lord he suddenly explained,
    "Where are your testicles?"

    The old Chief calmly replied
    Two engineers meet each other on their way into work. One of them has a new bike, and the other one asks where he got it. "Well," the first one says, "it's the funniest story. A beautiful woman rode up to me, threw down the bike, ripped off her clothes, and said 'Take what you want.'" "Good choice," said the other engineer, "the clothes probably wouldn't have fit you."
    I was standing at the bar one night, minding my own business. This fat ugly chick came up behind me, grabbed my ass and said,
    "You're kind of cute, you gotta a phone number?"
    I said, "Yea, you gotta pen?" She said "Yea", I got a pen". I said, "You better get back in it before the farmer misses you". Cost me 6 stitches.
    When you are over seventy . . . who gives a ****
    Now on sale at IKEA - LESBIAN beds, no nuts or screwing involved, it’s all tongue and groove.

    I got a letter from Screw Fix Direct thanking me for my interest, but explaining they were not a dating agency.

    Paddy thought his new girlfriend might be the one; but after looking through her knicker drawer and finding a nurse’s outfit, a French maids outfit,
    and a police womans uniform, he finally decided; if she can’t hold down a job, she’s not for him.

    Paddy is doing some roofing work for Murphy. He nears the top of the ladder and starts shaking and going dizzy. He calls down to Murphy and says,
    "I tink I will ave to go home, I’ve come all over giddy and feel sick."
    Murphy asks "Ave yer got vertigo?"
    Paddy replies "No, I only live round the corner."

    After 100 years lying on the sea bed, Irish divers were amazed to find that the Titanic’s swimming pool was still full.
  2. In Topic: Jacktee's Jokes

    26 August 2015 - 08:45 AM

    Hints on how to liven up your idle hours...

    To Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity

    1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing 'em Slow Down!

    2. On all your cheque stubs, write ' For Marijuana'!

    3. Skip down the street Rather Than Walk and see how many looks you get.

    4. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.

    5. Sing Along At The Opera.

    6. When The Money Comes Out of The ATM, Scream 'I Won! I Won!'

    7. When Leaving the Zoo, start Running towards the Car Park, Yelling 'Run For Your Lives! They're Loose!'

    8. Tell Your Children over dinner: 'Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go...

    And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity:


    Send This E-mail To Someone To Make Them Smile.

    It's called 'therapy'!
  3. In Topic: Jacktee's Jokes

    24 August 2015 - 09:27 AM

    Hotel brochure,,,,,,,

    A friend went to Beijing recently and was given this
    brochure by the hotel. It is precious.
    She is keeping it and reading it whenever she feels depressed.
    Obviously, it has been treanslated directly, word for word from Mandarin to English.

    Getting There.

    Our representative will make you wait at the airport. The bus to the hotel runs along the lake shore. Soon you will feel pleasure in passing water.
    You will know that you are getting near the hotel, because you will go round the bend. The manager will await you in the entrance hall. He always tries to have intercourse with all new guests.

    The Hotel.

    This is a family hotel, so children are very welcome. We of cource are always pleased to accept adultery. Highly skilled nurses are available in the evenings to put down your children. Guests are invited to conjugate in the bar and expose themselves to others. But please note that ladies are not allowed to have babies in the bar. We organize social games, so no guests is ever left alone to play with them self.

    The Restaurant...

    Our menus have been carefully chosen to be ordinary and unexciting. At dinner, our quartet will circulate from table to table, and fiddle with you.

    Your Room..

    Every room has excellent facilities for your private parts. In winter, every room is on heat. Each room has a balcony offering views of outstanding obscenity!...You will not be disturbed by trafic noise, since the road between the hotel and the lake is used only by pederasts.


    Your bed has been made in accordance with local tradition. If you have any other ideas please ring for the chambermaid. Please take advantage of her. She will be very pleased to squash your shirts, blouses and underwear. If asked, she will also squeeze your trousers.

    Above All,

    When you leave us at the end of your holiday,
    you will have no hope.
    You will struggle to foget it....
  4. In Topic: Jacktee's Jokes

    21 August 2015 - 08:42 AM

    A TRUE STORY!!!!

    OOOPS !!

    RCMP Frozen Carburetor Incident

    Sometimes humor comes in a coarse way- but its still funny.
    You know, people complain about the RCMP, (Royal Canadian Mounted Police),

    but you rarely hear about the positive things that they do,such as this one:
    Frozen Carburetor Incident:
    In the fun world of the administration of justice, not all the laughs are in the courtroom.

    Indeed, giggles and guffaws can erupt at almost any time or place.

    For example, on a bitterly cold winter's day several weeks ago in Northern British Columbia,

    a RCMP constable on patrol came across a motorcyclist, who was swathed in protective clothing and helmet, stalled by the roadside.
    "What's the matter?" asked the Policeman.
    "Carburetor's frozen," was the terse reply.
    "P1ss on it. That'll thaw it out."
    "I can't." said the biker.

    "OK, watch me closely and I'll show you."

    The constable promptly warmed the carburetor as promised. The bike started and the rider drove off, waving.

    A few days later, the detachment office received a note of thanks from the father of the motorbike rider.
    It began: "On behalf of my daughter Jill....."

  5. In Topic: Jacktee's Jokes

    19 August 2015 - 09:12 AM

    I thought my vasectomy would keep my wife from getting pregnant, but apparently it just changes the colour of the baby.
    Farmer walks into an Attorney's Office.
    "I wanna get me one o them deevorces!"
    "Do you have a case?"
    "No I run all John Deeres!"
    "Do you have grounds?"
    "Jesus what is this? Of course I have grounds, about 500 acres...Im a farmer aint I?"
    "No no, let's talk about your she a nagger?"
    "Sh it no she aint no nagger, but our last kid was and thats why I want a deevorce!
    The mother-in-law arrives home from the shops to find her son-in-law Paddy in a steaming rage and hurriedly packing his suitcase.
    > "What happened Paddy?" she asks anxiously.
    > "What happened? I'll tell you what happened. I sent an email to me wife telling her I was coming home today from my fishing trip. I get home... and guess what I found? Yes, your daughter, my wife Jean, naked with Joe Murphy in our marital bed! This is unforgivable, the end of our marriage. I'm done. I am leaving forever!
    > "Ah, now, calm down, calm down, Paddy!" says his mother-in-law. "There is something very odd going on here. Jean would never do such a thing! There must be a simple explanation. I'll go speak to her immediately and find out what happened."
    > Moments later, the mother-in-law comes back with a big smile.
    > "Paddy, I told you there must be a simple explanation... she never got your email ."
    A man is trying to catch the bus, hes running and every time he almost makes it he stumbles and falls, the crowd on the bus is laughing their butts off, a lady opens a window and tells the man :"Please stop it, we will wee our pants" to which the man replies :" that's nothing, soon you will do more than wet your pants because i'm the bus driver!"
    The learners were getting their final instructions on the Airfield before their first Sky Diving exercise. the instructor said "O.K. now finally any questions ?"
    Paddy said As this has cost me a lot of money if my chute doesn’t open will I get a refund
    Policeman in Ireland stop a car full of people and the copper says to the driver " I have been following you for the last ten miles and I am pleased to tell you that the Irish Driving Vehicle Office has awarded you a cheque for 1,000 euros as the safe driver of the day. tell me what do you think is the first thing you will do with the money ?"
    The driver Paddy says Probably I will get one of them driving licence things. his wife leans over and says Take no Notice of him Officer, he always talks nonsense when he is drunk, Mick in the back seat says I knew we shouldn’t have been in this stolen car and just then a muffled voice from the car Boot asks "Are we over the border yet?"

    She hurried to the pharmacy to get medication, got back to her car and found that she had locked her keys inside.
    The woman found an old rusty coat hanger left on the ground. She looked at it and said, "I don’t know how to use this."
    She bowed her head and asked God to send her some HELP.
    Within 5 minutes a beat-up old motorcycle pulled up, driven by a bearded man who was wearing an old biker skull rag.
    He got off his cycle and asked if he could help.
    She said, "Yes, my daughter is sick. I’ve locked my keys in my car. I must get home. Please can you use this hanger to unlock my car?"
    He said" sure"
    He walked over to the car, and in less than a minute the car door was open.

    She hugged the man and through tears said, "Thank you, God for sending me such a very nice man."
    The man heard her little prayer and replied, "Lady, I am NOT a nice man. I just got out of prison yesterday, I was in prison for car theft".

    The woman hugged the man again sobbing. "Oh, thank you God! you even sent me a Professional!!"



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